Fish and Chips
by inafrozenworld
Summary: At seventeen years old, Kurogane finds himself falling for his friend's twin brother, Yuui, but their relationship follows through a series of damaging events. Chpt 31 acts as a recent epilogue
1. Chapter 1

Kurogane went out with the twins that Bonfire night – something he wasn't too happy about mostly for the reason that this made life awkward. Not that he can't tell the difference between them or anything, he can tell them apart better than anyone, but whenever he was with them he always felt that he shouldn't be there, as if there was a bond between them he always seemed to intrude on. Things never appeared to work like that though… in fact the twins may be seen as welcoming, inviting him to spend time within their special group. But it wasn't as if Kurogane particularly wanted this and not merely for the reason that he wasn't one to get close. It was the twins themselves.

Fai was the one he found easier to get along with. Kurogane talked to him the most out of a 'select' group of friends. His mind was a lot more practical and concise, he was very clear-headed and thoughtful, the kind of guy who mostly keeps to himself and doesn't say too much so he comes across as quite serious. In truth though Kurogane found him quite comfortable to speak to, not being the world's most natural conversationalist either and at the very least he had quite a few interesting things to say.

He sat further away from the other two that night, on a drier spot to avoid the autumn damp, that silent drizzle within the chilling air. A puff of steamy breath emitted from his mouth as he stared into the overcast sky, eyes narrowing as he tried to gauge the November weather.

His brother, on the other hand, was a completely different matter and there was something about him that made Kurogane feel uneasy. Gazing upwards, eyes wandering dreamily, compared to his twin he seemed very distracted and it was that aloofness that made him a difficult person to get along with. It was almost as if Yuui hit his head off something hard every now and again just to create the effect. He was a daydreamer, his head caught in the clouds. And in those small moments where he would return to the ground it felt like he hadn't entirely managed to find his way back; another part of his brain had remained in the sky and become swept away. Then, rather like a house-sitter, a beaming smile would overcome his face, standing in temporarily and creating the impression that he'd lost his head… perhaps he had.

They shared a fish supper unevenly between them with Kurogane and Yuui polishing off the majority of the take-out. Fai had had the common sense to eat before he left the house but Yuui had been away training at the swimming pool – Kurogane could still catch the faint scent of chlorine clinging to his hair. So when he'd said that he was hungry, it had been natural instinct to buy it, share it between them. Only at the time, Fai had neglected to mention that he'd already eaten, leaving Kurogane to share with his demented brother, so annoyingly confident and outgoing. Actually, outgoing was perhaps not the best word to use. He kept himself within a close group, refusing to expand his social circle as far as his friendly nature and social skills could take him.

But it was more than slightly apparent that Kurogane held a grudge against him and Fai could pick up and act upon that with ease.

Kurogane swore in his head. It had been a ploy.

That was the only annoying thing about Fai – he was crafty. And he would use every ounce of cunning to bring his friend and his brother together, never having liked the notion that Kurogane resented his twin. So there was a sense of determination within him – a desire to push them together at every given opportunity for no particular reason that Kurogane could figure out at least.

This latest scheme was probably one of his more subtle attempts and, realising he could say nothing against the decision, Kurogane loathed the consequences.

Yuui was picking bits of fish from his lap, reaching in and out, leaning forward and back again. He could feel the heat of his body against his - that's how close they were. He would bring his arm across him, quickly without warning, pricking at chips, removing them slowly, carefully placing them in his mouth and eating, staring distractedly again. His plastic fork was spending too much time in his mouth and it was irritating Kurogane.

'It's a good night for fireworks,' he commented, dangling the offending fork and gesturing towards the sky.

His brother responded, chin in hands, 'Yeah, very clear, and not too wet or windy. No stars though.'

Yuui shrugged, asking in a rather blasé manner, 'Do we need them?'

'It'd be nice, that's all.'

Kurogane remained quiet. That is, until he stuck his fork down to pick up a piece of fish and discovered it wasn't there. It was halfway to Yuui's mouth.

'Hey, that's the last bit!' he snapped in frustration.

Yuui's eyes drifted over to him, his eyebrows lightly raised, before he smiled softly and brought his little wooden fork over to Kurogane's mouth. 'You can have it if you want it that badly,' he said gently, yet teasingly.

Kurogane's eyes narrowed, drilling into him. There was something wrong with this guy but…

'Tch, it's alright. Have it.' He pushed Yuui's hand back over, flicking his head back around to face the other side now.

Fai was staring at them.

He stole a chip and glanced towards his watch. '15 minutes to the fireworks, we should leave soon. It won't take us long to get from the square to the park but it's a small gate and the queues are long.'

Kurogane nodded, half listening.

In that mere second as he had turned to Yuui and Yuui had stared back in mild surprise, his heart had fallen with a blunt thud and he'd found himself frozen. Framed against the light of the street lamps, Yuui's golden hair shone in fragile, beautiful flicks, his blue eyes shimmered, his breath curled into elegant clouds as they formed from his mouth, his gently curved mouth with its soft, delicate lips, and his smooth, pale skin, slightly flushed pink at the cheeks with the cold.

Yes, try as he may to doubt it, in a strange way he is not entirely sure of, he's attracted to Yuui.

He finds this disturbing on several different levels. For one thing, he's not gay – he's thought it through over and over, Yuui's smile taunting him in the dark, and he decided that he definitely likes girls and women. That's one of the reasons why he dislikes being around Yuui – this feeling belongs to him and only him amongst every man in the world, and even women for that matter.

The other thing he finds strange is that this feeling does not belong to Fai. Despite looking absolutely identical, he has never looked at Fai and felt the same way as in that strangely divine moment. He's never even thought about the way he looks or physically compared him to Yuui. The two twins are entirely separate people to him, leading their own individual lives, owning their own unique personalities and, to a certain extent, different images. He seems to be the only person to think that way though.

The last thing is perhaps the idea that gets to him the most: for all the fleeting moments where he is tempted to reach over and kiss his friend's identical twin, they cannot overcome the near constant temptation to reach out and punch him.

***  
As they made their way down, pushing through the chill air, damp and thick, causing them to shiver deeply as it pressed around them, Fai began to wonder when if ever Kurogane would accept his brother. If there was anyone who could protect someone special to them it was Kurogane and this made him a valued resource for Fai. Perhaps not so much as an object, foremost he was his friend, but he created a perfect link in a vague, frighteningly uncertain master-plan. He depended on him in this way, refusing to let his link detach and his ideas to fall apart, for Yuui to crumble and fall to pieces.

It was a pity that Kurogane still wasn't getting along with his brother and that wasn't exactly an easy problem to solve as an outside spectator. He would admit that, yes, there was something about Yuui beneath the surface and that strange entity had taken him a while to discover and figure out – asking the same and more of Kurogane seemed almost too much to ask for. But still, Fai remained adamant that he was the only one who could help.

He sighed. He realised that he was scheming but he felt certain that Yuui, the bright image shining before them, would be lost fairly soon, the worry was burrowing into him, and it was as if only Kurogane could help that. He needed someone to support Yuui.

He could see him now – glancing towards Kurogane, smiling, pursing his lips as he glanced away. Yuui had fallen for him and it was simple as that. It had arrived suddenly and grown slowly – his twin's adoration of the Japanese boy, a year older than them. And even though the feeling was not his own, he could almost feel Yuui's heart skip a beat whenever Kurogane's skin brushed against his.

He only hoped that Kurogane would recognise his own feelings before Yuui's…

***  
Yuui stared up into the fireworks. He made sure to point towards the ones bringing the most light and colour to the sky, exclaim how bright that one is, elbow Kurogane and ask him what his favourite was. He varied it, of course, it came very naturally.

He felt very fortunate for this skill – it meant he could create a compelling picture, acting as usual, talking as usual, while his mind was elsewhere. Where, he isn't too sure. It felt as if he were holding a map, intricate in detail, searching and attempting to pick out a route, a bridge between that world and this – the real world where he stands beside his brother's friend and the fake world where he stands beside him forever.

In this bizarre reality, what he desires the most by far is for someone to hold him and to tell him that he truly matters to them. Of course, he knows that he is loved but somehow he feels strangely disconnected and within him he feels a deep longing for something physical to tether him to the ground after floating in the harsh air for so long, to reconnect him with that loving warmth he remembers beating within the ground. He's grown so desolate that it feels awkward and ultimately hopeful to feel love pinpricking against his skin.

A wave of earthly warmth overcomes him as he stares toward his tether, as he elbows him in the ribs for the third time. And he knows that, although perhaps not the most willing bond with reality in the world, Kurogane must be someone quite special to have given him these precious emotions.

His hand trembles slightly and he rubs his arms, exclaiming how cold it is despite his three layers.

***  
Kurogane felt sick looking at him full of cheer. He is unnatural and no matter what Fai wants him to do he will avoid Yuui as much as is physically possible before he really does kiss or punch that demented, pathetic, beautiful twin.

***  
_This is an edit of the first chapter because I looked at it and cringed =)_

_Thanks to L for having fish and chips with me on Bonfire Night!_


	2. Chapter 2

The twins had first met Kurogane when they were still relatively young. Fai could recall it with astounding accuracy. They were playing on the swings by themselves. It was a wet day and no one would be at home. They had a key between them (seeing as they went everywhere together there would be no point in owning individual keys) but they both preferred the taste of the fresh air no matter how saturated with rain it was. Home was nowhere for play.

Fai swung back and forth, humming a tune his music teacher had played for him the day before, pushing his feet back and forth, attempting to get his rhythm just so. Yuui was standing on the seat, propelling himself ever further forward and reaching out for a tree branch to his right. He missed, his face would set into a look of steady determination. His hand scraped against the branch, he would laugh. He nearly toppled over and it would almost seem as if it had never happened a few seconds later. Inevitably, the seat was so wet that he slipped off and went flying through the air with a yelp, landing roughly in the bark chips.

Fai came scampering off his own swing. 'Are you alright?'

Yuui laughed. 'I'm fine.'

Fai kneeled down beside him. 'Sure nothing hurts?'

Yuui nodded. 'I'm alright.'

Fai sighed, feeling relieved but also annoyed at Yuui's carefree attitude. He got up and started tugging his arm. Yuui wouldn't budge; he was staring up at the sky in odd fascination.

'You'll get wet!' Fai protested.

'I'm wearing a jacket.' And true enough, they were both wearing thick waterproof jackets of same make and different colours. 'And I like watching the clouds.'

Fai craned his neck up. 'But they're all dark.'

They both stared silently upwards for a while, Fai wondering what the huge fascination could possibly be and eventually getting bored and bringing his head back down. He was the first to see him.

The child with no parent either. He was walking down the path, slightly soaked with no direction. He was not from around here.

'What are you looking at?' Yuui asked, popping up suddenly. His eyes widened slightly as he realised there was a new boy there. 'Should we ask him to play?'

Fai brought his fist up to his mouth. 'Mmnmnmn'

And with that, Yuui was off, racing up the slight slope to greet the other boy. He'd lived with his brother for as long as could be possible and knew that this response would mean yes. Or more accurately, he was thinking about it and was most likely to say yes. He was always too shy, too thoughtful to give an immediate, direct answer.

In comparison, without a moment's hesitation Yuui was beside this new boy and greeting him.

'Hello.'

The boy turned towards him, caught slightly off guard.

Yuui simply beamed at the boy. 'You look lonely. Would you like to play with us?'

The boy blinked at him. 'Uh…'

Fai blushed slightly in his oversized jacket. Yuui was being too forward again.

He was waiting patiently for an answer, smiling warmly at the boy.

Finally the boy nodded decisively. He immediately regretted doing so as Yuui clasped one of his arms in both hands and tugged him down the slope at speed. 'This way!'

Fai shrunk further into his coat. He felt sorry for the poor boy, who seemed a bit flustered.

'I'm Yuui and this is my brother,' he stated as they came closer.

'I'm Fai,' the other said and smiled. Friendly and reassuring although pale in comparison to his twin's smile which was radiant like the sun. Unlike the forced smiles of his later years this smile had a very genuine taint. 'What's your name?'

'Kurogane,' the boy replied, shaking his arm free of Yuui.

'Koo-row-gah-nay,' Yuui said, eyes looking up to the sky, emphasising vowels as if bathing his tongue in them to taste.

'Where do you come from?' Fai asked, interested there was another immigrant among them. Although he and his brother barely counted, having moved when they were small.

'Japan,' Kurogane replied, steadfast.

'We learnt about Japan in school!' Yuui said and nodded. 'That's where the TV comes from.

'And sushi!' Fai added.

'And sushi,' Yuui nodded.

'And sumo wrestling,' Fai pointed out.

'And sumo wrestling.'

'And Mt. Fuji.'

'And there are earthquakes.'

Kurogane stared at the both, moving about to keep warm with an annoyed expression on his face. 'Are you twins?'

They both nodded.

'Which one is older?'

They both looked at each other.

Fai spoke first. 'We don't know. No one ever told us.'

Yuui smiled again. 'But Fai is my big brother – he looks after me.'

Kurogane didn't say much in response.

Fai broke the silence. 'You speak very good English.'

'My dad speaks English very well. He taught me because we're moving.'

'Here?' Yuui asked.

'Maybe.'

They stood there having run out of things to say.

"What do you want to play?' Yuui asks.

***

'I have a mum but she's not here. She's staying in Japan.'

'Will you not see her?'

Kurogane shook his head.

There had been tag, there had been a bit of hide and seek and some who-can-jump-furthest-from-the-swing competitions. Now they sat on a meekly spinning round-about, giddy, excited.

'We don't have a mum or a dad,' Fai told the boy.

'We have an aunt and an uncle,' Yuui finished.

'I don't have an aunt or an uncle. What's it like?'

'Horrible. They don't have children. They think they're allowed to take away your Christmas toys and it's justi—fiable,' Fai explained.

'They have us because we're dad's. I don't think we could stay if we weren't,' Yuui commented.

Kurogane nodded along.

'What's it like having a mum and dad but not an aunt or uncle?' Fai asked.

Kurogane thought about it for a while.

'Like no matter what you do they have to love you. So it's alright.'

'Does your dad know where you are?" Yuui asked.

'No, but it's okay. I know where he is.'

***

It was a strange day to think back to. The twins had only seen him one other day at that age and that was the day before he left. Everyday he came back to that spot (this time accompanied by his dad after the trouble he had gotten into the first time) to see if the twins were there. The twins were not there. They were at school.

By chance he met them again. As he was leaving the park for they last time they were entering. Yuui was the first to break out into a grin. 'It's him again!'

Breaking into a run, the other twin followed soon after, stopping just before the boy and the other man.

Kurogane can remember how pleased he was on that day. He had had a lot of fun on that day he'd first met the twins at the beginning of the week. Now at the end of the week he was pleased if only because he got to see them again and say a proper goodbye. His dad's business thing was almost over and he had to go to some other part of this country with him. They would be moving to one of the places. He hoped it would be this place.

Yuui stared up at the very, very tall man standing behind Kurogane. 'Is this your dad?'

'Mmmhhhmmm,' Kurogane stated then turned to the smiling suited man behind him. 'That one's Yuui and that one's Fai,' he informed his father, pointing to each twin in turn.

Fai made a small, shocked noise. 'He can tell.'

Kurogane shot him a funny look. 'Of course I can. You both wear different jackets and act differently.'

The twins looked at each other. They weren't quite sure why no one else had realised this.

'Can no one usually tell you apart?' Kurogane's father asked, smiling down at them from up above.

'No. We're identical,' Fai said.

Kurogane interrupted their bemusement. 'It's dry today! C'mon let's play on the slide.'

'We can't be too long!' the father called after his son, already disappearing into the distance.

'Your dad is very big,' Yuui tells Kurogane.

***

Yuui met Kurogane's father again another day. And though youth may slip beyond everyone's grasp, Yuui was quietly fascinated with the knowledge that age brings.

Kurogane's father stared into his eyes and understood everything. Everything intangible to youth.

In other words the only weapon able to pierce Yuui's armour was the experience of life.

***

'You're leaving?' cried a distraught Yuui.

Kurogane nodded. 'We're not staying here. My dad works with a company and they don't need him here. They need him somewhere else.'

'Will we see you again?' Fai asked.

Kurogane looked down and shrugged.

Yuui looked towards him with a despairing look on his face. For once he was silent.

Fai frowned, thinking before exclaiming louder than usual and with a definite, optimistic tone, 'But we can see you again. We could swap phone numbers and addresses.'

Yuui's enthusiasm began to prick up again. 'And you could visit and tell us when you're back and we can play together again.'

Kurogane meekly dug his feet into the ground, grinding his swing to a halt. 'What's it like having a brother?'

The twins exchanged a look. 'Eh…' Fai muttered, turning the question over in his head, searching for an answer.

Yuui gave a response after he realised his brother was stuck. 'We don't know what it's like not having a brother. It's good though – you've always got someone to play with and keep you company.'

Kurogane continued to look down.

'But it's alright. You're always welcome to play with us,' Yuui comforted him, the beaming smile returning to his face.

Kurogane looked towards him, his cheeks turning pink, and then returned the smile. 'Can we climb the tree before I go?'

Yuui nodded. 'Sure.'

Fai's eyes grew wider. 'We've not climbed the tree before.'

Kurogane got off his swing seat, walked over to the base of the tree trunk and looked up, hand on chin. Finally, like a trained professional, he stated, 'Shouldn't be too hard.'

Yuui jumped off his seat in mid air and ran over to his side. Fai stayed where he was.

He watched in smiling encouragement as the new boy taught his brother the basics of climbing before he went shooting up through the branches, leaving Yuui scrambling for footing, unsure as to what to do. He quickly got the hang of it. It seemed he was a natural at climbing. He didn't have the advantage that Kurogane had in his stature and practice but it still left Fai quite impressed.

Fai sat this one out. That did not mean he was antisocial - he was just a bit less energetic and a bit more careful. He was content enough watching the other two. Observing their actions was a fascinating game enough. They made an odd pair. Kurogane would look back but would never actually do anything even if he saw Yuui was gaining on him or struggling a bit. Yuui was stubborn enough to keep at something, willing enough to achieve by himself, yet he was constantly calling on Fai and Kurogane, asking for help, declaring how high up he was, needing their support… It struck Fai. His brother cannot be alone.

His brother's foot slipped off the branch.

'YUUI!' he automatically shrieked

Yuui managed to hold his balance for a second before losing it and falling backwards.

To Fai's relief, Kurogane was on the branch above and managed to snatch Yuui's left wrist. Panicking, Yuui clutched on to his arm with both hands before he successfully planted both feet back on the branch.

'Maybe we should stop,' Kurogane considered, staring down, slightly concerned at Yuui.

'But I want to get as high as you are,' protested Yuui.

'What if you fall next time?' said Kurogane, acting very responsible. He seemed to almost take pride in it, Fai thought. As if he were really brave, mature and as if protecting Yuui were to somehow make him noble, valiant, happy…

'Just be careful,' Fai yelled up to them, trying to strike a chord between their two conflicting wishes.

Grudgingly, Kurogane looked down to the twins and finally reached out his hand to Yuui, who took it gratefully, with a beautiful beam on his face.

'He's a regular monkey, isn't he?'

Fai spun his head around to see Kurogane's very tall father standing behind him, also watching the two in the tree. Holding hands, Kurogane was leading Yuui up to the highest branch he considered safe enough to sit on.

'He's very good at climbing trees,' Fai said, not knowing how to reply.

Up in the tree, two small figures waved and shouted words the two concerned relatives couldn't make out. They were too far apart.

'We need to get going soon! Come down!!' Kurogane's father yelled, his voice ringing through the gap.

The two children started making their way down together.

'Will we get to see Kurogane again?' Fai asked the father.

'I think we'll be back sometime. When we are, we'll make sure to visit here.'

Fai smiled. Kurogane's father seemed like a good man. He found himself wondering what it would be like to live with him and what their own father was like. Was he as kind as this man? Was he as tall?

It wasn't often that Fai had these thoughts. He therefore considered meeting the father and son something special and something close. He wished he could have spent more time with them.

Reaching the two by the swings, the boys were the picture of contentment. Fai, in his own way felt pleased for them, to be with them, to see his twin happy. The father seemed glad as well. Perhaps, Fai wondered, it was a joy to see his son this way. Perhaps they move about a lot and maybe Kurogane doesn't get to play with friends much. It would make sense.

'You need to say goodbye now - we need to get back to the hotel room. Our flight leaves early tomorrow,' the father said to the son gently.

'You're leaving now?' Yuui burst out, stating the obvious.

'Uh-huh. But I'll come back. Can I play with you then?'

Fai smiled and nodded. 'We'll be looking forward to it.'

Yuui wrapped his arms around him. 'We'll miss you!'

Once Kurogane had managed to push Yuui off of him, he said his goodbyes and left the park walking alongside his father.

***

Many years later Fai gave a strange, humorous, nostalgic smile to his brother. 'You know, I think I knew you were gay before you did.'

Yuui blinked, slightly confused. 'Huh?'

***

_Note: I hope you enjoyed the adorable children while it lasted =)_


	3. Chapter 3

It came out a bit ruder than he'd meant it to. 'You two again!'

They both looked towards him, slightly bemused.

Yuui was the first to notice and a smile emerged. 'You're that boy we met in the park as kids, right?'

It then clicked with Fai. 'Oh yeah! You were moving, weren't you?'

'Yeah,' Kurogane said, taking in their appearances … well, shared appearance. Since that brief introduction 6 years ago, time had transformed all 3 of them. The childish shapes and scale had vanished, bodies moulded and elongated to form two young men: tall and slender. The immaturity cleaned from their faces, they looked like different people yet acted as if nothing had changed.

Kurogane had also metamorphosed to some extent. At 15 anything that could once have been described as boyish had been wiped clean off the slate, leaving a premature sense of maturity. On top of that muscles had been built – a physical residue left after passing the age where sport would show on a young body with becoming results. To Yuui and Fai he seemed to be how they would have imagined him at this new age.

'We must be really memorable if you can recognise us after all this time!' Yuui said, smiling cheerily.

'Can you still remember which one of us is which?' Fai asked, slight and welcoming smile alighting his face.

Kurogane pointed to each in turn, like on that day they first met his father. 'You're the quiet one and you're the noisy one.'

'Fai and Yuui,' Fai reminded him.

'Huh? Am I really that loud?' Yuui asked jokingly.

'Most of the time,' his brother replied.

Yuui laughed and somehow this made Kurogane feel uneasy.

'Sorry, it's been a while. What's your name?' asked Fai.

'It's Kurogane,' he and Yuui replied in sync.

Kurogane looked at Yuui again, sinking feeling in his chest growing steadily. Yuui simply gave him another pleasant smile, winked and said, 'I have a good memory.'

'What are you doing back?' Fai asked, kite clutched in hand.

'My dad's changed position – we're moving up here now.'

'So you're staying?' Yuui said. 'Are you going to the same school as us?'

Checking details, it turned out he was. Despite being about a year older than them both he would be in the same year. They had a February birthday and were two of the youngest in that year. In contrast Kurogane's was March.

They talked and asked questions: Where he would be living, who he would be staying with, what it was like staying in his previous home… All the while Fai carried the conversation in a direction, exchanging polite questions, quips and friendly smiles. As was perhaps to be expected, Yuui was grinning, laughing, joking and in general seeming to be a nuisance. A pain, Kurogane thought. Was it that he hadn't grown any older on the inside while Kurogane had?

***

'We've not had much to do in the holidays. Everyone is away. Seeing as it was windy we decided to give it a try,' Fai explained, holding up his bog-standard red kite.

'Would you like to join us? After all,' Yuui smile slipped into a sly grin, 'we did tell you back then you were welcome to play with us if you came back.' His kite was the same except he had stapled some ribbons to the bottom.

Kurogane shrugged, hands still in pockets. 'Sure.' He'd just been wandering about while his dad was away anyway. Just like the first time he'd met them.

***

They made a day of their outing, like a homecoming for a long lost friend. Once the kites had gotten dull, once the wind had died down and the skies had cleared, after Fai and Kurogane's shared kite had gotten tangled with Yuui's and they'd had to give up temporarily, they bought ice-cream, chatting and reminiscing in the rare, pale beam of the summer sun, breathing in its gentle rays as if it were a gift from a distant relative. Full green leaves soaked up the sun, scattering the rays they missed in brilliant patches of gold. Walking through the same park as before, Kurogane felt at home with the smile he remembered and uncomfortable faced with the smile he did not.

Fai was one of the boys he had said goodbye to 6 years ago. Quiet, logical, shy and friendly, he was a nice person to be around and, although not radical, there was a certain charm and comfort to his personality.

Observing for the time the three of them together, he concluded Yuui was not one of those twins. It was difficult to say why exactly. The ever-present grin had not faded, neither had his spirit, enthusiasm for fun and frolic nor had his energy or cheer vanished. However something about him had changed. And given as much time as he could possibly spend with the twins that day what exactly that was still eluded him.

***

He did find out where they lived. He also learnt their number. He was told their classes to discover which ones they shared. They opened themselves up and told him their hobbies. Fai was a natural musician and, although Yuui had also dabbled with the piano, it was Fai who had emerged as a gifted violinist. Yuui was not without his own talents however. After practicing several sports he had singled out swimming as his preferred choice and competed seriously in it while still playing badminton and tennis with the school teams.

Kurogane had much less to say about his hobbies. Besides practicing kendo through his frayed links to his home country, he had little he was involved in seriously. Several other martial arts due to the overlapping skills and interests and maybe a few sports but nothing strict. It made him feel slightly awkward speaking to the twins who were both so occupied but they remained friendly and even invited him along to participate or watch events.

In a sense it was lucky to have met them before. He had friends before he had even started at his new school and they were the kind of people who would make sure he was getting on alright. And at least he would like having Fai around. Still, something about the other twin made his stomach turn.

As they went their separate ways he began to think about what might have happened to the twins after he had parted with them the time before.

***  
_Note: I've been trying to update regularly but Christmas and New Year might mess up my plans a bit. Either way I hope you're enjoying it!_


	4. Chapter 4

After swearing that he would avoid Yuui by all means, Kurogane found himself watching one of his swimming competitions. Part of yet another string of requests from Fai.

_Sorry, there's a last minute orchestra rehearsal. I'll be back but it'll be just you and Yuui for a while. He'll need to make dinner instead._

_Hayley's asked me to go shopping with her on Saturday. Could you go swimming with Yuui instead? I'll pay you back._

_I'm at a piano lesson for the first half of the competition. I'll meet you there._

Bet the bastard's doing it on purpose, Kurogane thought bitterly, shifting in his seat.

The twins are 16 now and Kurogane is 17, not yet old enough to drink but old enough to have sex. It is their last year in school. Kurogane is learning to drive and considering his options upon leaving. The other two seem very hushed about what may be happening after their exams and where they may be heading. It's probably not a big deal. The twins seem confident enough to know what they're doing. And it's not like they'll all lose touch completely over the next few years. The three of them are too close for that. Although Kurogane would happily lose touch with Yuui. Lately it's been growing more awkward, especially with Fai's constant meetings, rehearsals, lessons, trips, concerts, plans and general favours that will drag him away, leaving Kurogane alone with his brother with no opportunities to change the arrangements.

It's almost as if he knows, Kurogane thought, grumpily, closing his eyes and leaning back in his seat.

During these competitions Yuui barely spoke and barely needed to. He would flick between gazing distractedly to staring with focused eyes. Having no one to prove anything to, he would float, move in a straight line rather than bumble and skip to his own laughter. He would seem like a different person altogether. That was until he looked up to Kurogane and gave his best annoying grin, waving.

Kurogane nodded in recognition. His thoughts were elsewhere. Probably begging his eyes to move somewhere else. He kept opening and shutting them for extended periods, frustrated that his attention was beyond his control. He should be like everyone else. He should be looking to see what was going on, what was happening and who was winning. For god's sake he could even be staring at the female contestants' cleavages! It was grinding on his nerves that every time he opened his eyes they were brought towards that blonde idiotic twin.

His life is a lie and Kurogane couldn't be less interested. Even so…

Watching him move about, clean his goggles, push his wet, limp hair away from his eyes, gaze away, smirk for no apparent reason, sigh dreamily with nothing to sigh over … Kurogane decided he was a completely different person to how he sees him every day. Yuui right here, right now had changed, hiding nothing, revealing all. You could watch his thoughts race across his face, being invited into his mind but not understanding what may be there, not being able to see what was going on. In other words at that moment in time Yuui concealed nothing of himself. The only part of him left unexposed was the part of his body covered by a pair of swimming trunks.

Still, despite this startling openness, it was difficult, nearly impossible to tell what the blonde was truly like or who he really was beneath his glued on smile, his painted cheer or his laughter, worn so thin Kurogane was coming close to seeing through it.

That wasn't the only thing getting on his nerves. He was beginning to understand something he would rather try to forget – that he loathed the lie and loved the truth in Yuui. Perhaps love is too strong a word but he was growing increasingly uncomfortable as he thought about it. Watching Yuui, watching him in the water and close to naked, dripping, without anything or anyone to distract him was the worst time to be realising he had feelings for the guy. Especially when their eyes met briefly.

This is wrong. He's wrong, Kurogane thought half-desperately, trying to pull himself away from the truth, backing away and colliding with it again. Damn, it's tight, he grunted to himself, shifting again.

Damn Fai as well. What's he going to say next? 'Hey Kurogane. Would you mind if today you covered my brother in chocolate sauce and then licked it off him?'

Actually that thought was maybe … not the best to have given his current situation. Besides the gap between reality and fantasy was acting a bit like a final frontier. First Yuui had invaded his sights, his life, his thoughts and now Kurogane was determined that he would not enter his dreams too.

Folding his arms across his lap in a sort of discreet manner, he began to wonder if that was close to happening. After all at that point he was grateful for the distance between them; that he was merely observing Yuui without any interaction or response needed or given. And just from watching him over these periods of time he had decided that there was something wonderful about him - his true nature was something lovely to behold.

'Hi, sorry we're late,' he heard a voice say next to him.

THANK GOD.

'Hey,' he replied nonchalantly as Fai sat down in the seat next to him. Hayley followed.

'So what's been happening?'

'Eeerrrrrr……..'

'Is he winning?' Hayley asked, ice-lolly in mouth.

'Looks like he's doing quite well anyway,' Fai said.

That's good, Kurogane thought.

***

The rest of the competition was a relief. He talked to Fai, the semblance of calm and order in his life. He barely looked at Yuui again, except for when Fai was talking about something that was happening or going on. Although when Fai left to buy a drink the thoughts he had been trying to forget came rushing back.

'Poor guy, trying to hide it,' Hayley sighed.

'Hide what?' Kurogane asked, slightly shocked that after thinking for ages he was witnessing the truth.

Hayley blinked. 'That part of himself,' she finally said, pointing. 'He keeps on tweaking at his trunks.'

Kurogane half-spluttered. 'Well I damn well hope so!'

'OH!' she then gasped. 'You don't know…'

'Know what?' Kurogane asked, getting annoyed, getting close to what had been bugging him all this time.

'What happened when their parents died…' she tested.

The blank look on Kurogane face remained. 'What happened?'

She folded her arms, looked away and leaned back in her seat. 'Nuht, not telling. You'll have to get one of them to tell you themselves.'

Fai returned and startlingly, for the first time in his life, Kurogane found that he couldn't say anything to him.

As soon as he stepped of the changing rooms he had become a changed person.

'Thanks for coming,' he grinned sweetly at the three of them, reserving an extra long smile for Kurogane.

The slight rage returned to Kurogane's stomach, flipping it over.

Hayley clapped, 'A silver! That's fantastic, Yuui!'

'You did really well,' Fai said and Kurogane was silent. They both felt that Yuui could have gotten a gold. And he didn't. Why, neither of them were wanting to state. Not that it was disappointment or anything just…

Does he even try when it comes to happiness?

***  
_Note: Haha first rating increase! I blame in-jokes. 'Damn it's tight' and 'nuht' are both sayings and jokes my friends have. Hope you enjoyed the attempt at teen humour. If you like it please review = ) and weirdly I had fish and chips again tonight…_


	5. Chapter 5

'Hi,' a voice greeted him from behind.

As he turned, Kurogane responded, 'Hey, Fai.'

'Right again,' Fai nodded. Despite the obvious differences between the twins, in situations like these where it could be either even close friends sometimes got confused. Most responded without using a name until they figured it out but Kurogane knew that Fai secretly enjoyed challenging him.

This time the clue had been the hair. Fai's hair was slightly longer and he tucked a strand of fringe on his right side of his face behind his ear a lot subconsciously. Perhaps a way of clearing it away from his eyes that had turned into a habit. It left a curl on his right temple.

'Are you doing tennis for PE?' Fai asked him.

'Yeah, are you?' he asked, making his way down the hall from the changing rooms.

Fai nodded. He decided he'd better not mention Yuui was too. He'd give Kurogane the er… pleasure of finding out himself.

In the end, that never happened. 'What about him? Yuui?'

'I don't know what he chose, I never asked,' Fai lied.

As soon as he spotted Yuui, tennis racket in hand, Kurogane grunted and Fai couldn't help frowning in annoyance. He may find his brother a pain but that's no reason to act so horribly.

And Fai wonders for a second if maybe he is wrong. What does he know about Kurogane after all?

Although watching him flinch as Yuui greets him, he reassures himself that he is correct. That Kurogane is in denial.

***

The teacher paired them together for a match being the two 'most able'. Without moaning for once, Kurogane moved to the opposite side of the court as Yuui. At least he'd make a worthy opponent.

***

What did Kurogane make of his thoughts for Yuui? Did he try to realise or try to avoid them? Everything so far had been guesswork to Fai.

He stood at the sidelines, prepared to seem like he was doing something if the teacher came along. Until then he would watch his brother and his friend.

Kurogane served first and not half-heartedly. He had a strong body and was not prepared to make a weak attempt at thing. That was just like him.

He'll have already decided what he wants, Fai thought. Or rather, he would know that he wants to avoid Yuui. A pity.

***

On the opposite side Yuui was smiling lightly, a senseless ray of light through the clouds.

Kurogane grimaced slightly, knowing what was to come. Outside he seemed pathetic, but really he was stronger than they both thought.

It was that strong arm that returned his serve.

***

Kurogane may believe that Yuui is weak but only because he continually fed himself that lie. He was allowing Yuui's lies to get to him because he'd seen the truth as well and found it difficult to cope with.

It had been a bit difficult for Fai as well – realising his brother's mind was practically broken, that is – but he supposed there was an added complication when it came to Kurogane. Still, he had expected Kurogane to be the type of person who would want to overcome such challenges or any challenge for that matter; it would bug him until he did. Does that make Kurogane weak?

Or is he just scared?

***

It was a bit uncertain whether he was determined not to lose for his own sense of pride or because he didn't want to face losing to such an opponent. Everyone, Yuui included, treated this as a simple game, but something grating on Kurogane was turning it into something more important.

Winning would not mean anything to him. Losing, however, would be to admit that he had come below someone as weak as Yuui.

***

Kurogane was scared of all of the potentials and outcomes that could arise from approaching Yuui in such a way, Fai decided. It was this more than anything else that indicated Kurogane had feelings for his brother but he refused to accept them.

A voice came from beside him saying, 'So, why aren't you playing a game?'

Fai blushed slightly, turning to the teacher, 'Er … don't have a partner?'

***

It was only until a week after the swimming competition while they were walking home after school when Kurogane finally asked Fai about what Yuui could have been hiding. That day Yuui would be coming home later, for reasons Kurogane didn't know and didn't want to know, so it was just him and Fai.

'That's right. We never did tell you how our parents died, did we?' Fai said rather meekly, clutching the strap of his bag.

'You don't have to say or anything,' Kurogane said, looking to the side, guilty and uncomfortable.

'No, that's alright, it's just the way you asked was a bit … unusual,' Fai said, looking towards him.

'Why? What was weird about it?' Kurogane asked defensively.

'Well I wouldn't expect someone who doesn't like Yuui to care about what sort of personal things he has to hide,' Fai said with a slight begrudging tone to his voice.

Kurogane picked it up and chose to ignore it.

'So are you going to tell me?'

'Yes, there's no real reason why I wouldn't.'

And so he started. Very calmy, very softly.

'It happened when we were very small – almost four years old. Our parents had brought us over here to visit relatives on our father's side. After flying to the airport our uncle picked the four of us up and took us as far as his home. The plan was for our family to travel in one car and for our uncle, our aunt and her sister to take another car and we'd all meet each other in Inverness, stay there for two nights and then come down after doing a bit of sight seeing.'

Fai paused. 'I can remember it was beginning to get dark at the time. I can't remember much else of whatever happened because I passed out and I couldn't exactly work out what was going on.' He paused to think again. 'I think it was a combination of dad being tired and slightly jet-lagged, not being used to driving on that side of the road and I'm sure it was raining a bit that night too. Anyway it was a lorry coming off a slip-road by my side of the car – the left that is. Our dad mustn't have seen it. Our parents died pretty much instantly in the collision. I can remember the entire vehicle moving to some completely unreal angle and changing shape like it was being crushed. I suppose that must have been when I fell unconscious but that was the car flipping over. It collided with the barrier on the right and then the momentum kept carrying it over on to the other side.

'We were really lucky in a sense because we came away with really minor injuries relative to the size of the crash. I guess it's ironic because we were saved by the fact that nearly all of the impact of both the lorry and the barrier was taken by the front of the car. Meaning that if our parents hadn't died then we'd have come off much worse in the accident. I like thinking about it that way. Like they died for our safety. Makes me a bit more grateful to at least be alive.'

He finished there.

Kurogane was left with nothing to say. What could he say? 'Sorry.'

'Thank you,' Fai said quietly. He was aware that he had startled Kurogane in his calm and toneless retelling of the story.

'What happened to Yuui then,' Kurogane asked after a moment's silence, 'if he has something to hide?'

Fai bit his lip and glanced to the side as they walked. 'Promise you'll try to avoid talking to him about this?'

Kurogane nodded.

Fai closed his eyes. 'I hit my head, lost consciousness and woke up in hospital. Yuui was the opposite. He remained conscious and only blacked out when they put him under anaesthetic. When the car hit the barrier it hit the driver's side – the side he was on. Like I said, the front took the greater amount of the impact but that didn't stop his side from being crushed as it rolled over. He got trapped between the seat and the door once it had crumpled. That's what he would be hiding. The top parts of his legs were getting crushed in the wreck and it left scars. He had others but those are the worst and those are the ones that are the most permanent. The cuts around his face from the breaking glass and the broken arm from the impact healed but he'll always have his leg injuries with him. I think it upsets him sometimes.'

'So wait, he was awake the whole time?'

Fai nodded. 'He must have seen and experienced so many horrible things I was spared from. Being trapped like that on the bottom of a flipped over vehicle. He'd have been all alone too. And to get him out they had to wait until it was safe to move the car then cut it open to free his right leg. His left leg wasn't trapped so tightly but he'd torn it slightly freeing it himself. At that age neither of us knew English either so we couldn't understand anyone – anything that was meant to comfort us just scared us.'

He stopped, eyes beginning to glaze over slightly and looked over to Kurogane as if he'd just woken from a deep sleep containing a dark dream. He smiled, 'But that was in the past.'

Kurogane continued to stare at him before turning away. They walked the rest of the way in silence.

***

Yuui didn't remember it in the same way. At the time facts had been distant things, losing a fight to panic and desperation.

In the same way vision is blurred, he couldn't picture anything happening in a coherent time frame. Picked images, blurred emotions and various screams and cries merging into a single pitiful, tear-stained plea. The hand that could feel properly rolled bits of gravel and glass around the tarmac he could feel himself pressed against through the broken window, trying to find something 'real' to him. His right arm frightened him. It was limp and lifeless. Whatever inhuman thing cutting into his leg scared him too. Like it was pressing and invading something that belonged to him, damaging and trying to remove it and when he tried to stop it, it was incredibly painful and he continued to scream. Even more worrying was the silence of his family.

Reaching a hand over to where his father was, all that returned was blood.

***

For all the pain, the sadness, the fear he had gone through, he was grateful just to hear the first words that made sense to him.

Half-heard, waking from the darkness, he would always remember them.

'Is Yuui alright?!'

***  
_Note: That was the first tragic chapter, hope you enjoyed it. If you like it please review =) Inverness is a city in the north of Scotland and I have family up there so I visited it as a kid. And in the UK you drive on the left side of the road in case anyone's a bit spatially confused with the accident description._


	6. Chapter 6

The twins were obviously incredibly close but in other ways very distant. Any outsider could see that. Without meeting them, someone could see that - their school subjects spoke volumes. Although both being very intelligent, somewhere along the academic pathway a fork had appeared and each twin had begun walking down a different path without realising. Words and numbers started to separate the pair, so different in terms of ideas and understanding. As they grew older it became clearer – Fai had a natural talent when it came to words, sounds, meanings and expressing these things in a correct and artful fashion. Yuui felt closer to home with numbers, facts, direct concepts and problems, finding the correct method to reach a definite answer that related to something physical and real.

Without realising it the twins became more distant as their individual minds developed. Neither exactly realised this themselves – it had been something very gradual. And it's not that they stopped caring for one another, didn't get along or didn't know each other. It was more that they didn't know as much about one another.

It was Fai, naturally being more perceptive and delving, who first discovered this, although by accident. It simply struck him one day that there was something he couldn't tell Yuui and there seemed to be something happening to Yuui that he couldn't tell Fai. The thought scared him.

***

And he could only put it off for so long. In fact it was something that he had been living with for months without even mentioning to Yuui. In a way he felt guilty but at the same time physically unable to speak. If he couldn't tell Yuui, he couldn't tell anyone. It was during that year that he became lonelier than he had ever been, drifting apart from his twin brother and unable to share something important.

Why can't I tell him? Fai asked himself one day, tapping his pencil against his desk.

The response came quickly: I'm scared of how he'll react.

But why?

Because I never want to hurt him. I'll never allow him to be hurt like he was as a child.

But still, as time passes by, as I prolong the inevitable, won't that hurt him more?

Fai is just as weak as his brother, it's only an illusion, a trick of the light that makes this weakness seem more like strength.

***

Battling with sense and nonsense, he decides that he must tell Yuui.

Biting his lip, trying to stare straight at his decision, he turns to Kurogane once he's caught him alone during break. 'Can I ask another favour?'

An almost comedic look of fear, disgust and complaint came over Kurogane's face. 'What is it this time?'

'Could you come over tonight?'

Kurogane looked suspicious. 'What are you doing?'

'I'll be there,' Fai smiled.

It was as if Kurogane was stuck between suspicion and relief. 'What's _he_ doing?'

'_He'll_ be there too.'

'I don't get why this is a favour. What's happening?'

'You'll see,' Fai said quietly, voice struggling, face pale. 'I'll need you there.'

***

It's more difficult to act as if a day is normal than it must seem. For the rest of the day Fai could barely concentrate on what he was doing. At times it was like a ball was caught in his throat and he had to try his best to get rid of it, to sound as if nothing was wrong. Sometimes that was slightly too much to ask for. His fingers froze while writing and while walking home alongside Yuui's laughter and Kurogane's yells he felt slightly sick, felt his heart race, willing everything to be over.

***

In the end he said it very simply. 'I have terminal cancer.'

The smile on Yuui's face dropped, his fork fell with a clatter. When he'd heard Fai had something to say he never thought …

Kurogane simply stared in disbelief, trying to take it in.

There was a ghostly silence in which Fai started eating again; acting as if he'd never said anything at all.

Yuui was the first to attempt to speak although his words barely made sense. 'Terminal when?'

'Soon,' Fai said, trying to avoid their eyes.

There was another cold silence. All that could be heard was the clink of Fai's cutlery in use, the faint buzz of a TV in the neighbouring flat and finally Yuui's sharp, deep intake of breath. Despite this 'No' was all that came out of his mouth.

He elaborated, 'No, that's not right!'

Fai and Kurogane said nothing.

'That can't be right! You're my brother!'

Only after he'd said this did he realise that death didn't give a shit whose siblings died or what was fair and correct. Silently the three of them digested this.

Yuui slowly, unsteadily rose from his seat. 'Please,' he whimpered. His eyes begged to his brother, as if pathetically asking him to lie to him.

'Please!!!' he said again, loudly and without purpose.

Words rose up to his mouth and stopped violently, halted by his erratic breathing. His hands trembled. His tear clogged eyes found they couldn't stare at Fai any longer.

Kurogane sat utterly confused as he heard the door slam.

Fai solemnly sipped and set down his drink. 'You don't need to say anything. It's him you need to comfort.'

Kurogane, understanding the purpose of his presence now, looked at the twin critically, trying to judge if he was crazy or level-headed, before following Yuui out the door.

***

He hadn't made it very far down the street, moving as if in some horrible daze. Jogging, Kurogane was easily able to catch up with him. Under the blear of the street lamps his tears had finally come loose.

Kurogane grabbed his wrist and tugged at it sharply. Acknowledging his presence only slightly, Yuui stumbled a few steps and sobbed, 'It's not right! He can't die!' He repeated those choked words over and over.

Other attempts to drag him proved pointless as his limbs had turned into a soft jelly, disconnected from his mind.

He never told Kurogane to let go or leave him alone. He just sat on the kerb at the edge of the pavement and wept.

'That's not it!' he sobbed between breaths.

Looking at him in this state … Kurogane felt bad for ever being annoyed, for ever hating him even slightly. But he didn't love him either. He just pitied him. It would be untrue to say that he was left unshaken by Fai's few words but nothing like this. The fact that Yuui was so easily dragged to this state struck a strange sentimental chord with him.

With his heart in his mouth, he took his hands and placed them around the shoulders of this poor being. Gently encouraging him to stand, he held the juddering and weak body close to him and moved it forward. Meekly, between tears, Yuui's hand came to rest on one of Kurogane's and gripped it tightly.

Prompting him through his front door, he walked them both directly to the twins' room and sat him down on what he knew to be his bed. And Yuui would not let go of his hand. Sighing, he sat down on the bed next to him and thoughtfully fished a crumpled tissue out of his pocket. Yuui glanced at him for a fraction of a second and then accepted it gratefully with his free hand.

They sat like that for god only knows how long. Kurogane hadn't looked at the clock when he'd sat down. Now, staring towards it, he wished he had. It felt like ages. Yuui wept to himself at the foot of his bed while Kurogane watched him, fascinated, disturbed, pitying the brothers.

After time had passed enough for Kurogane to have garnered the emotion, the lack of care, he placed his other hand over Yuui's cupping it.

He was thinking of something to say, trying to form a phrase at his lips.

'I'm sorry,' he procured.

Yuui barely seemed to react apart from to squeeze his hand. He continued to cry, staring off into the distant, past the walls, into the future or maybe the past.

In the end, almost ignoring Kurogane's presence on the bed, he lay down and buried his head in the pillow.

Sighing, remembering his own reasons to mourn Fai's fate and worrying about Yuui, he placed his hands on the shaking shoulders lying behind him. With both hands removed from it, Yuui's hand balled into a fist as if trying to harm itself. Beneath his shirt, Kurogane could feel his slender bones, his soft and thin flesh as if he were trying to shelter a small bird from danger.

'Yuui…' he said softly. Nothing would follow. Nothing could. Not a simple 'it'll all be alright', what sort of sadistic lie would that be? 'Don't worry' would just sound childish. And 'I'll be there for you' … he could never say it.

Realising that he was not going to get a reaction or any sign of recognition, he let go and left the room.

***

'If you feel you need to say something, you don't. I dealt with it a long time ago. And I'm sorry you had to hear it like that but I knew I wouldn't be able to calm him down,' a voice sighed. He scrubbed a plate.

'You're talking like you're completely fine but you're not,' was Kurogane's only response.

The figure at the sink glanced towards him, a tear slipping down the side of his nose. 'I'll manage by myself, Yuui can't.'

'Neither of you can. And even if you can this isn't something you're going up against alone,' Kurogane told him, almost threateningly.

Fai managed a smile, a brief, sarcastic smile. 'Says who?'

'Me and every damned psychologist there is.'

Fai smiled genuinely this time although it was stained slightly with sadness. 'Aren't you going to ask how long I've got to live?'

Kurogane paused, frowning. 'How long have you been hiding this from us?'

'Four months,' he said, the smile remaining on his face. 'Four months since I was told I was going to die from this. Seven since they spotted something.'

Kurogane frowned, visibly annoyed that Fai had been hiding something so vital for so long but said nothing. So Fai continued. 'I'm getting an operation in a few days. That's why I had to break the silence. It's a bit fiddly, more like a last resort and …' He stopped, looked up to Kurogane's eyes, judging to see if he could tell him the truth. The eyes that stared back were cold, hard and worried. 'They're not holding out too much hope.'

Finally Kurogane broke his own silence, first folding his arms, closing his eyes and bowing his head slightly. When he stared back to Fai he said, 'You need to stop this. The way you're talking you might as well be telling us what sort of coffin you want buried in.'

'What if it's true?' Fai said with pressing eyes.

Kurogane had no response. He moved on to his next complaint. 'How much of this were you planning on telling Yuui?'

'He'd never be able to handle these sorts of facts,' Fai responded very briefly. Kurogane took this to mean 'very little'.

Understanding Fai's decisions and actions when it came to his brother, Kurogane then asked, 'So you'll want me to stay with Yuui the night you're in hospital?'

Fai paused, stared at him critically and said, 'That depends. He's your friend after all…'

***

Perhaps Yuui wasn't his friend exactly but Kurogane still felt he should say something before he left. When he entered the room again, Yuui was sitting upright, fingers interlocked loosely, limply across his lap and he was still staring at the same spot on the other wall to the side. It was still difficult to say what he might be seeing there.

Crossing the small floor space in their room, he moved towards the still, solemn figure that had seemed to run out of tears. At least for the time being.

'Yuui,' he said simply again, with no other words in mind.

The boy reacted slightly more this time. He closed his eyes and breathed in a shaky breath through his nose.

Instinctively, Kurogane palmed the side of his face in his right hand and slowly brought it round to face him. As soon as their eyes locked, Kurogane let go and left the flat without another word.

He'd realised what that simple action had meant for them both and it had left him frightened.

***

Fai entered their bedroom, much later, when he couldn't avoid Yuui any longer and was beginning to worry about him.

'Fai,' Yuui whispered as he walked in and shut the door behind him.

It was dark by now.

Fai sat down on the single bed opposite him.

'I'm sorry,' he said, softly.

Yuui shook his head, a few fresh tears escaping. He got up, moved over and sat down next to his brother. He wrapped his arms around him.

Fai rested a hand on his back, finding himself trying not to cry.

Whispering words, they rediscovered how close they were behind a recent veil of mistaken distance.

They sat like that until they needed sleep.

***  
_Note: Happy depressing New Year =D Okay perhaps this wasn't the best chapter to bring in the new year with but it was the next one. It's a bit obvious but from here on out there's a character death warning. And also I don't know much about cancer, I use details very loosely so I apologise if my portrayal is in any way incorrect. In April I was at a concert for Teenage Cancer Trust who are doing a great job building wards for teenagers with cancer by asking big name bands to perform charity gigs._

_So happy new year, enjoy and review!_


	7. Chapter 7

'I don't know how you managed to hide it for so long,' Kurogane said using the only tool he could find to break apart an awkward lack of conversation.

'I had a lot of things on,' Fai replied scarily cheerily from the passenger's seat. 'If I were away no-one would question it.'

Hayley was perched on the edge of the seat behind him, clutching his hand. Neither Kurogane nor Yuui questioned it.

Yuui …

He was sat on the seat behind Kurogane but without looking, he could tell how he appeared. Strangely quiet and distant. Over the next few weeks he would expect him to pick up some life but today he wouldn't be allowed to forget.

Kurogane had passed his driving test a few months before and had agreed to take Fai to his operation. Yuui and Hayley were coming along, scared of what might happen. Kurogane felt grateful for their presence. He got the feeling that somehow more responsibility would be placed upon him if they weren't. At least together they could share the attempt to drive away death's pressing presence.

Together the four of them were very contemplative and hesitant. None of them wanted to create a dire atmosphere but in their fear and silence the atmosphere was naturally turning morbid. It was alright, Fai had been expecting that.

Although in a way it felt wrong. It felt as if they were all coming along to give moral support like on concert nights. Creating backwards logic, it made Fai's stomach squirm as he realised everything was totally beyond his control.

***

Yuui came walking back down the corridor alone, flicking tears from the sides of his eyes. Hayley bit her lip, expressing what both she and Kurogane were thinking. It seemed so unnatural to see Yuui without Fai. Seeing him trying to cope without him. And this was only when Fai was undergoing an operation.

Awkwardly, it was Yuui who Kurogane had trouble letting go of as they had made their way down the corridor and not Fai - so confident in his movements and his words that he created the perfect illusion of self-security. It was exactly what he wanted. In contrast, his brother had lost all of his ability to act, shown to the world as the pitiful wreck he had become. Although in one second, as Kurogane decided to join Fai and Yuui on their way to see the doctor, something flickered past that image, like the sun through a tiny break in the clouds.

'I'm alright,' Yuui said in a steady voice, shining a small and strange smile at him. Something very lovely came through in that gracious expression.

The boy and the girl had watched, detached, as the twins shuffled along the cream linoleum together.

Hayley looked up at Kurogane and told him. 'I'm not going, it'd just upset him.'

Kurogane had no response. For a scary moment they were both realising they were probably acting brother and sister in law.

***

They dipped spoons in coffee mugs without a word to say. And when they pushed words on to the table it didn't seem right. They all struggled to find a response. Kurogane supposed it was that feeling in the back of their minds. Small-talk seemed insensitive - a removed reality from what Fai was suffering.

Hayley tapped her spoon on the rim of her mug and realised, without heeding Kurogane's death glares, that it was too annoying. Chimed too incessantly and at too high a pitch.

They made it through the long hours somehow, pacing a death march slowly through town and the park, noting the tragedy in their lives. Hayley talked about her granddad who had always suffered heart problems and died five years ago. Kurogane talked about his mother who had recently been taken to hospital with a chronic illness. He hadn't seen her in years. Yuui said nothing, merely stepping along in sync with them very quietly. It was as if he had hoped the times he had tried to leave forgotten in his distant past would be left buried there. It was painful to unearth them. The disinfected air in the hospital had entered through his breath and caught the back of his throat, reminding him.

They managed through the silent air that hung around for hours.

***

'I'm fine,' Fai smiled in his bed.

Kurogane flinched at the irony but said nothing.

He hung around, arms crossed, by the side of Fai's bed. Yuui sat closest to him, hand placed on arm. Hayley seemed unsure as to whether she was allowed to sit on the end of the bed or not and jumped every time a nurse passed.

The atmosphere around them was melancholy. At first feeling joy at the sight of Fai's happy, healthy face and then stopping. There was no guarantee that this would save or even help him.

Still, they gathered around excited and decisively hopeful. They brought chocolates to pick from boxed layers and Hayley came engulfed in pink and yellow flowers which only seemed appropriate somehow. Slightly aware that this would have no benefit to his health whatsoever, they handed over his gifts smiling. He accepted them with grace, happier simply to be surrounded by people who cared for him.

Surprisingly the conversation only hit a low point once on the subject of parents and guardians.

'They seemed pretty annoyed, didn't they?' Yuui said, a shadow of his former self.

'Well I told them the truth,' Fai said, chocolate in mouth already and offering the others one.

'Which truth was that?' Hayley asked, selecting lemon mousse.

'I told them our parents are dead, our aunt left and our uncle is an uncaring, temperamental bastard,' Fai said, swallowing a praline.

'So they think highly of you then?' commented Kurogane.

Fai smiled. 'Okay, I didn't use those exact words.'

Yuui gave a meagre laugh through a strawberry cream.

Slowly it seemed as if their conditions would improve.

***

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I couldn't stop crying long enough to say thank you.'

Kurogane's key was in the door but he didn't turn it. Instead he looked around to face Yuui who seemed to blush slightly. 'You took time to make sure I was alright and I want to thank you for it. Especially after you'd just heard that as well. That must have been horrible for you too.'

Kurogane looked away and emitted something halfway between a grunt and a 'don't mention it'. Not wanting to stall for any longer, he turned the key and let Yuui into his house. Yuui moved silently, bag clutched in hand, through the door. His eyes flickered around a house he had been in before.

'I don't think dad's back yet. He will be soon. We might have take-out,' Kurogane said, running through what he could remember his dad telling him before he'd left in the morning.

'I could cook,' Yuui offered, quickly, almost embarrassedly. It was strange to hear that tone from him, he who was so bold and so loud, but then he was in a strange state and felt a bit bad about having to stay over.

'You don't have to,' Kurogane said, dismissing his offer in a slightly … politer way than usual.

It only took him a few minutes after he'd left his bag upstairs in the spare bedroom to announce from the fridge door, 'I could make omelettes with vegetables or maybe pasta with some cheese. Could maybe do something with those onions for that.'

'Yeah sure,' Kurogane said automatically. There was no putting him off now.

'Which one?' Yuui asked, pondering, finger on lips, hand on hip. God, he looks so gay when he does that, thought Kurogane.

'Whichever's easiest,' he said nonchalantly, leaning against a work-top.

'I don't mind.'

'Just pick whatever,' Kurogane growled with a frown.

Yuui stared back, a slightly harder edge beneath his eyes. 'I'm not picking, you can choose.'

Kurogane could see he was going to lose this battle too. 'Tch,' he went, 'alright, pasta.'

'Pasta,' Yuui repeated with a definite tone and scrambled for ingredients and pots and pans. 'You really like Fai's pasta when you come over. I can never get it exactly right like he can, but I'll try my best for you,' he beamed, clattering about at high speed and filling a pot with water to salt and set to boil.

The way this happened made Kurogane wonder for a moment what it would be like being married.

Not to Yuui … Just in general.

***

'I know what you'll want, Kurogane, but what's Yuui wanting?' a harassed voice yelled from the door.

As Kurogane's father came through the door, he was surprised and slightly confused to find both boys eating a proper meal in front of the TV.

***

'You didn't have to make this,' he told Yuui five minutes later, leaning against the doorframe with a plate in hand. 'This is good.'

'It's alright,' Yuui smiled. 'It wasn't any trouble.'

'Well thanks,' his father said. 'You'll need to teach my son how to cook, I don't get meals like this often.'

'It's not much,' Yuui said, shying away from Kurogane's father's over exaggeration as he left the room.

Kurogane himself … he wasn't too fussed. Yuui may actually know how to cook but it was Fai who knew how to cook very well. He had a definite ability when it came to blending foods, mixing them, soothing them into a cooked state. And despite Yuui's willingness, his mind always came up with strange concoctions and pairings that didn't quite go. Like chicken with cheese or mango chutney as a sandwich or toast spread. Granted though the pasta wasn't half bad. In fact, vaguely regular.

'What do you want to watch?' Kurogane asked as the credits rolled.

It happened again.

'I don't mind,' Yuui said, scooping little bits of pasta, cheese and pepperoni on to his fork.

'Just pick something,' Kurogane said, throwing the remote over to Yuui.

He pushed it back. 'It's your TV.'

'You're the guest,' Kurogane said, placing it down more violently than was necessary by Yuui and getting a bit pissed off.

'I don't watch much TV,' Yuui argued.

'Me neither,' Kurogane said and then ordered, 'Pick.'

Yuui thought for a moment. 'What about a film?'

Great, another set of bloody arguments.

***  
_Note: I'm not so proud of this one but it needs to be there. The arguing about choosing happens to me all the time with friends so it was a bit of a joking reference. Also I didn't make the bits about the chicken and cheese and mango chutney on bread bits up – I patent those and swear that they're nice =) You can tell I get bored and just start making food up. I shouldn't really be allowed near kitchens.  
Well enjoy and review! As always._

_Btw. Next chapter is M … yeah don't get too excited, it's not what you think!_


	8. Chapter 8

_Note: My note is at the beginning this time, mostly to say it's not exactly M but it's not really T either. It's somewhere in the middle… and slightly misleading in nature._

***

They watched two films. They stayed up late part voluntarily, part involuntarily.

Both action films. They were alright, thought Yuui.

Importantly, they'd kept the atmosphere warm and allowed the two of them to be together on the sofa in comfort and ease, distracted.

The second the screen turned black, Kurogane became more aware of the boy at the other end of the sofa. Curled up with his bare feet wrapped beneath him, Yuui's head rested in his left hand, propped up by his arm on the rest. His sleek, golden locks dripped on to his palm.

Rising to his feet in the room that had suddenly acquired a chill, he walked over to the DVD player, removed the DVD, pushed back the tray, put the DVD back in the case, shut the case, turned the TV off … his actions felt clumsier than usual.

With nothing else to do he sat back down beside Yuui who had not moved or made a sound throughout the fumbling.

The cold and the time suddenly made an impression under a light that seemed weaker than before. They both sat, breathing in living air containing the silence, the darkness, the damp, the curtains and the streetlight outside. It felt too light and unnatural.

The digital numbers on front of the DVD player flashed the time pressingly, making a physical presence in a room where it shouldn't even matter.

Finally, as time cut into them, Yuui said in a voice that was far too quiet, 'It's good that he's alright … at least for the moment.'

Kurogane frowned slightly. Those words had shattered any illusion that Yuui had been at peace this evening. Perhaps he had not lost all of his shadowy mystique and tempered aura.

'I can't picture him not being fine. He wouldn't let us see it,' Kurogane finally said, the lonely atmosphere drawing strings that were picked from his enclosed mind out of his mouth.

'That's just going to make things harder rather than easier,' Yuui commented, not making eye contact with Kurogane.

An empty pause ensued.

'Are you tired?' asked Kurogane.

'Not really,' Yuui replied.

'… So you're not wanting to go to sleep or anything?'

'Are you?'

Kurogane shook his head.

Yuui sat back, looking towards Kurogane, now resting his chin on a mat of interlocking fingers. 'Can we talk? I've not talked properly with you in a while…'

Kurogane looked up to him. In this light he looked fair yet his features came through strongly. It was a rare moment in which he appeared both delicate and strong and somehow Kurogane felt … right being with him, talking to him.

'What were you wanting to talk about?' he asked.

Yuui's eyes remained soft yet penetrated deeply. 'Anything really.'

Kurogane thought for a while. Yuui made no suggestions, just shuffled his feet slightly.

Finally, a simple idea came. 'What's your favourite colour?' A childish, desperate idea.

Yuui smiled. 'It's blue… What's yours?'

His eyes had sparkled, his voice was clear, clipped and soft and Kurogane felt happy and rather glad to know something about him, no matter how trivial.

'Red,' he responded.

'Hhmmmm, favourite food?' Yuui suggested after a moment's consideration, continuing the trend.

***

They spent an hour talking. Most of the time they got sidetracked and learnt something deeper about each other.

There was something that stood out to Kurogane.

'I don't think I'd enjoy not being identical,' Yuui had said, distant sheen to his eyes. He said this with certainty, with an unyielding tone. 'In a weird way that's what makes me individual. I'm unique because to everyone I'm a twin but I'm not one of the twins; I'm _that_ twin. I don't think that privilege is common. You know where … you're recognised without having to make something of yourself, or do something that someone else wants.'

It had struck Kurogane as odd… and thoughtful… and very personal but that wasn't just it. It was an honest statement that Kurogane couldn't understand. At that precise moment in time Yuui had changed. Kurogane could see more of him. He was smart, strong and clear-minded now there was nothing to distract him. He was a better person than Kurogane, had something to offer of himself and made an impact. With the lights down low, with bare feet on the sofa, in another space, he was deeper and more powerful than the unchanging Kurogane.

Something about that struck Kurogane.

***

He woke up, unsure whether he was still dreaming or awake. The air was too heavy to be real. Each sound was louder to his ear; created its own indent with its own purposes, meanings, intentions. Placing his feet on the ground was feeling a different carpet beneath his feet. Or rather a clearer picture of the floor of his room. Standing up, he felt dizzy, feeling almost as if he had vertigo. But he was just standing in his own room. At some uncertain time of night.

He left his room, wandering about, trying to discover which world was real. Or something to do. He couldn't sleep.

Half in a sleepless, sleepy daze he passed a half-open door.

Rather than circuiting the kitchen and living room as originally intended … he stood stock still by the door.

Inside.

Inside lay him. And as the little, soft light floated over his body, he was bathed. Like a fairy-tale princess, his peaceful face showed no signs of life but was beautiful all the same. It was as if he had been waiting for this moment.

And he hadn't even known this moment were to happen.

He slept peacefully.

Kurogane stepped into the room as the door was open wide enough, breaking a boundary. He was entering a new realm and he wasn't sure he was supposed to be in it.

Holding his own breath, he opened his ears to listen to Yuui's.

And there it was.

Soft, barely audible, so gentle and untroubled, not laboured in the slightest.

The duvet covered him up to his waist. From there on, without thoughtful and succinct movement to impair his judgement, he could spy the smooth lines forming Yuui's upper body.

There was an urge for his hands to travel down these lines, in touching them proving they were solid, that the two of them were both solid and real, following the lines down to where he couldn't see. His legs covered by the duvet.

Or maybe up to his slender neck.

But Yuui would wake up and he didn't want that. He wanted Yuui to wake while his lips were pressed against his neck. Kneeling on the floor, leaning against him he feels Yuui's warm, gentle body beneath his tongue. Or maybe wants to. Devouring his flesh. Is not a bad thing. It's soft, sweet, dreamlike.

Like floating somewhere he can't help but be. They evolve. Yuui's fingers like butterflies and snakes down his back. Now bare. He returns it. He closes the air between the swimming pool and the boy he desires.

Not even millimetres can separate.

Like the cloud in the air.

Raining.

Becoming water in rivers, his hands run.

They fall in love with a touch. Legs press up against a side.

Nothing is hidden now. They hide nothing and are able to see. Seeing doesn't matter.

Taste matters. Touch matters. Hearing.

Sounds of Yuui's sharp, moist breath against his ear, he watches himself overcome something wonderful, being wonderful. He would go where he wanted. They both wanted. A delicate smile. A whisper, a scream developing. His dad isn't here, here to hear or know. Not that he cares. He would make love to Yuui. Something inside him had awoken.

And he would feel the moisture on his lips. His toes. He feels fingers searching with nothing to find, blood coursing at the tips. Feeling himself holding this beautiful body towards his own, feels expanding lungs beneath. Touches hair. He feels, he imagines he feels overcome. Before…

He can't picture how they would have sex.

He knows how but he still can't see it.

And he feels bad for doing this the night Fai is in hospital.

No.

Shakes head.

Takes a few steps backwards and leaves the room containing the sleeping Yuui.

He heads straight for the bathroom and wets his face, dying to be either awake or asleep and not in between anymore. That was what had brought on that dream. Or nightmare. It would depend on how you saw it. A strange fantasy he would like to deny himself of.

He was certain that under his own free will, under no circumstance would something like that happen. More than that – it shouldn't happen. After giving himself time, after working off the strange memories of the nightmare, he began to feel almost ill. As if reflecting upon what had happened to him, his recent thoughts and emotions were making him sick.

No.

Yuui was nothing to him. A haunted shambles of a person that was going to crumble. He doesn't want him or to be involved with him. His brother is dying and he does feel sorry for him but it won't cross the line.

In the bathroom, feeling an alien light in the darkness falling down upon him, he starts to panic, becoming frightened of himself.

At some point he wants to try to get back to sleep.

Leaving the sanctuary of the bathroom, he walks past the spare bedroom and is determined not to look but he does.

He hears a noise coming from the other room. He turns, hairs on the back of his neck raised and watches Yuui.

'...un-shuwa…plea…ngo …shara…canss…iwann'n…' he mumbles slowly and audibly as he turns in his sleep, a frown escaping from dreams to reality. It gave him a slightly pained and scared expression as he moved around. The sheets shifted and gave off strange, soft screeches and sighs as his body turned. It was a completely different sight to the still and content Yuui from before.

Kurogane forced himself onwards into the silent seclusion of his own room, where 27 minutes later, he found rest.

***

Yuui was in the kitchen munching on toast and marmalade when he came down. His morning routine had been made that bit more awkward, knowing he was around but not sure when or where they would finally meet.

'We'll leave to get Fai in an hour,' he said, avoiding unnecessary conversation.

Yuui nodded with a mouthful of toast and took his plate to the table as Kurogane moved to make himself a cup of coffee.

It was a shame that Kurogane had automatically closed himself again, becoming grouchy again the next day. Or maybe he was always like this in the morning, Yuui couldn't tell. The day before he had been so kind … compared to usual… and Yuui had felt encouraged by this. The past few days had been … very difficult to say the least, so it gave him a strange sense of happiness and hope to see someone who wanted to be there for them. He'd felt so grateful and relieved. As long as Kurogane was with him, he could probably pull through most of what was to come.

So deeply, somewhere close and hidden within him, he hoped that the Kurogane who had supported him, had taken his hand and stood beside him would return soon.

***

But Kurogane's mood carried on throughout the day, in the car, in the hospital, and Yuui wasn't at all certain why he had suddenly turned cold towards him again.

***  
_Another Note: After I first reread that, I thought it sounded like what would happen if Sigur Rós (my favourite band, Icelandic, geniuses) tried to write porn. Their lyrics look a bit random when translated.  
Please enjoy and review =)_

P.S. Today marks two months since I started writing this fanfiction!

_It's also my first day back to school (boooo!)_


	9. Chapter 9

'Shara?' Fai repeated.

'Shuara…or something like that,' Kurogane repeated.

'That's interesting,' Fai commented. 'He never usually talks in his sleep.'

'Yeah, well,' Kurogane said, terrified that Fai would ask how exactly it was that Kurogane _knew_ Yuui hadn't slept well at his house.

Fai had thought it best not to ask.

'It's probably sleeping in another bed,' he said. 'You know … how it is when you're in a different bed and it feels awkward.'

'Suppose so,' Kurogane said.

'Sure it was Shara he said?' asked Fai, slight frown upon his face.

'Shuara,' Kurogane nodded. 'Why? What does it matter? It's not like it's even a word.'

'No, it's just interesting to hear when you know the meaning behind the sounds,' Fai said off into the distance.

'What? So you know what he was saying?'

'Maybe.'

'What was it?'

Fai smiled, winked and tapped the side of his nose. 'Not telling.'

'Tch. Fine, keep your secrets to yourselves. I don't want to know them,' Kurogane said, irritably.

'Well, it's not a secret exactly. More like a revelation,' Fai mused.

'Meaning?' Kurogane asked, bluntly.

Fai frowned. 'Have you noticed that there's something wrong with Yuui?'

'I thought he had his head bashed when he was a kid. And then once every month to make sure the effect doesn't wear off,' Kurogane moaned now that a chance had finally appear.

Fai kicked him. Although it wasn't very hard.

'No, I mean the reason why… he acts like he does.'

Kurogane looked towards him. Fai was reflecting upon something with a look of fear and sadness on his face. He decided to change the subject.

Although he couldn't help noting: there really was something wrong with the bastard after all.

***

He really wouldn't want to know, Fai thought. He wouldn't want to know what I think may be happening. I'm scared that I might be right.

I'm scared that I could be right or wrong. Being wrong would make it a disastrously incorrect conclusion to have made. Being right would just be awful. I'm not sure if there is a middle to this. But I have to know.

***

Yuui was a bit concerned about Fai being back at school.

Although Fai had asked what else he should do then, and Yuui had to admit he had a point there. Still, he thought it would be depressing for Fai if he were at school with no point - studying, working and the outcome not being of any value. Possibly dying before he knew his marks this year. But still Fai wanted to try his best and that left Yuui confused but proud and close to tears at times.

The operation had been a bit of a long-shot. They'd been told not to get their hopes up although Yuui had felt it would be difficult not to. In the end it was just as they had feared – Fai's chances of living hadn't improved by any margin. He had only been left with what he saw as an expensive and time consuming hole in his side. Strangely, he seemed disappointed for someone who had not been holding out any hope. Even Yuui hadn't noticed his secret dependence on the operation. Not that he could blame him. He was thinking about everyone else more than himself.

Yuui's other worry was Kurogane. After a few days of visible empathy, he had returned to being cold and callous towards Yuui. And he hadn't done anything or said anything as far as he knew. In fact he had been hoping that this meant Kurogane was going to be on good terms with him from now on. He was a little hurt now that it seemed he was being swept aside like a piece of dirt after a few days of compulsory kindness.

I'll ask Fai about it, he decided.

Biting his lip as he copied an equation, he remembered that the close relationship they shared wouldn't last much longer at all now.

***

'About Kurogane…' he started.

'Shouldn't you be going if you've got swimming practice?' Fai asked.

Yuui nodded, solemnly. 'I'll talk to you about it when I get home.'

'I'm going straight back if you want me to take your school bag,' Fai offered, holding out his hand.

Yuui's eyes widened and he said rather hurriedly, 'It's alright, it's not heavy or anything and I don't want to burden you.'

'Don't give me that pitiful crap!' Fai snapped, snatching Yuui's bag out of his hands.

Yuui couldn't help but smile. It was just to be expected of him to hate being treated as more fragile.

'Thank you,' he said, taking his sports bag and heading out the school, down the road to the pool.

Fai smiled, waving him off.

***

He wasn't going straight home and he'd needed to ask for Yuui's bag.

Putting his own bag in his locker, he felt a little bad for lying to him, which was a strange thing because when he thought about it - he'd been lying to him about something much worse for months. Regardless of the lie, Fai was doing it for Yuui's own good and protection. He told himself that as he shouldered Yuui's bag and slowly made his way along the corridor.

He tried to rationalise. Was what he was doing even going to make a difference? Would it get him into trouble if he was wrong?

But he'd seen hints and needed to know if his suspicions were correct.

Preparing, he tried to bring the memory of Yuui's smile to mind as much as possible. He thought of the way he shut his eyes a little when he smiled from time to time. He reminded himself of his mannerisms from a few days before. Movement that was jolting at times and smooth at others. Sweeping, with a spring in his step, full of cheer.

He knocked on the door he'd come to, intestines twisting into knots and feet willing him to run away before he had to do anything seriously.

Instead his hand reached for the door handle.

'Hi,' he smiled, an imitation of his brother. 'Sorry, I was away for a while. Family troubles.'

'That's perfectly alright, Yuui,' Fai's English teacher said, standing up. 'Come in, shut the door.'

Fai did as he was told, or rather what Yuui was told.

'Family troubles, you say?' the teacher said, beckoning him forward.

Pacing forward and looking to the side, Fai nodded. His impression of Yuui didn't need to last as worryingly long as he thought it might.

The man came over and said quietly, 'Has anything been worrying you? That you haven't told me?' placing his hand on the side of Fai's face, stroking it and bringing his mouth uncomfortably close to his forehead.

Fai froze in shock. Quickly, he snapped out of it, pushed himself away from his teacher, horrified, and backed towards the door in a state of panic. His hand on the handle, this time he stopped himself from opening the door.

'I'm Fai,' he said in a shaking voice as if pulling off a mask. And then, forgetting his fear, opening his eyes and awakening, realising what lay before him, he frowned, suddenly furious. 'What have you been doing with my brother?'

There was no reply: the older man, probably in his mid 30s, stared at him as if assessing him, judging his movements, knowing everything that would come.

'Mr. Scott!' Fai yelled to his teacher, demanding an answer, fear and anger churning in his stomach.

'Come here,' his teacher ordered him. His voice had taken on a stern tone.

Fai looked at him, now disgusted by the sight of him. All the same, he found himself moving closer.

'Sit down,' Mr. Scott ordered.

Fai looked towards his usual desk where he would read, take notes and write essays by the teacher's desk, under his authority and order. Determined not to obey the command and at the same time frightened to disobey, he chose to perch on top of the desk.

The man smiled seemingly kindly although it was somehow threatening. 'Very clever. Now take your seat, Fai.'

The student stared at him contemptuously before taking his seat, making sure not to tuck his legs beneath the desk. To save time when he stood back up.

'Fai, I'm not going to do anything,' the Mr. Scott said, smirking at his pupil's fear and doubt. 'I will simply tell you something.'

'What's that?' Fai asked, not sure if he really wanted to hear it from this man, not reassured by him at all.

'Your brother is a mentally insecure, sexually confused, naïve and emotionally unhinged moron,' Mr. Scott informed him, 'and he came willingly and gladly to me in search of something he was too young, scatterbrained and detached to understand.'

'You used him,' Fai said, adding, fusing, bringing together and forming answers. He seethed, 'You sick bastard, how long have you been doing this to him?'

His teacher smiled, as if enjoying being insulted by him. 'I think that's something that you should ask your brother about.'

'You're a fucking sick pervert,' Fai said, urging the words out of his throat. 'Why did you do it?'

'I think that you should go home and ask Yuui what's been going on this past while, Fai,' Mr. Scott said clearly.

Fai gritted his teeth. Visibly shaking, he thrust himself up out of his seat violently and moved to the door as quickly as he could. His feet pounded as he tried to contain his rage and he grabbed his bag with a complete lack of respect – the furniture around him clattered. But without warning he stopped. Even then, it wasn't without a sense of anger and brutality.

'Mr. Scott or Ashura or whatever he calls you,' Fai said with a voice full of contempt, standing inside the door frame, 'if I find out you've hurt Yuui then I'll bury you if it's the last thing I do.'

'Ask Yuui what he did,' Ashura Scott told him slowly and calmly, 'and you will find that I'm not the one to blame.'

***

'About Kurogane,' Yuui said hesitantly, picking up his fork.

'What are you needing to ask?' Fai responded without looking up. His voice was quiet and croaky. He had made his way back home quickly, almost running at times, feet beating the pavement, and at others, striding with purpose. In a mixture of both ways he came through the door exhausted and in tears.

Yuui looked towards his brother with a worried expression. He'd asked him what was wrong several times already and Fai had replied 'Nothing' each time. It didn't seem to be about his health, rather something troubling him.

Yuui twiddled with his fork unintentionally, thinking, before asking, 'A few days ago he was being really kind to me. And now it's back to the way it was before. Do you have any idea why?'

'Do you think there's something wrong with him?' Fai asked.

Yuui shrugged.

Fai stopped for a while in front of his plate. He hadn't wanted to tell Yuui any of this … 'Okay … I'll answer any question you have about Kurogane,' Fai told him, 'if you answer some of my own questions.'

Yuui nodded, smiling supportively. 'Alright.'

'Kurogane … has difficulty in being around you,' Fai said, pondering over wording. 'You annoy him. But at the same time he likes you. So he hates your guts for that. He'll try to avoid you and insult because you confuse him.'

'What exactly do you mean by "he likes me"?' Yuui said, uncertainly.

'He wants you,' Fai elaborated. 'Subconsciously he desires you.'

Yuui blinked in disbelief. 'Really?'

'Yes,' Fai said. 'Of course that's not just it. Even if he is attracted to you he resents you for that.'

Yuui smiled and laughed, happily and briefly.

'And you like him too,' Fai stated more than asked.

'Yes,' Yuui said, a slight pink in his cheeks. He looked down dreamily, elbows on the table, resting his chin on his hand and pushed his noodles about with his fork, a look of contentment and hope upon his face. 'Do you think … there's any chance for us? Being together?'

Fai smiled for the first and only time that evening, glad to see his brother so pleased. 'I hope so.'

Yuui smiled towards him, genuinely happy. 'Thank you… What did you want to ask?'

The smile dropped from Fai's face. It was his turn to blush now. He didn't want to upset his brother so soon after seeing him that happy.

'It's … a difficult question,' he probed.

'Oh okay,' Yuui said, sitting up and looking serious.

He always tries his best for people, Fai thought guiltily.

'So…' Yuui prompted him.

Fai sighed, licked his upper lip and looked towards his brother who was frowning now. The thoughts came back to mind. Butterflies and hurricanes stormed around his stomach, entering his guts and throat. And in this mind frame he was prepared.

'What's been happening between you and ?'

Yuui's eyes widened, heart plummeting. His tongue caught in his mouth. His expression morphed to a semblance of catastrophic disbelief and fear. 'I…' he started, then switched, 'how do you know?'

'You said you'd answer my question,' Fai pressed.

'It's not what you think!' Yuui immediately blurted out. 'I can't explain it but it had to happen!'

'What had to happen?' Fai asked, feeling a tight, unyielding ball catch in his throat. 'And why?'

A tear slipped out of Yuui's eye. 'Because …' He shook his head. 'I don't want to talk about it while I'm eating … neither do you.'

True, Fai thought and took another bite, finding it hard to swallow.

***

They ate the rest of their meal in silence, trying not to look at each other. Once Yuui burst into floods of tears and Fai did nothing to stop him, just watched him cry into the table. He took their plates and put them by the sink. He came back through, took Yuui's wrist and pulled him through to sit down on the sofa.

'What happened?' he asked, sternly.

Yuui looked up at him with bloodshot eyes, diverting them quickly. Fai sensed that it was in shame.

'Yuui… please,' he begged, sounding, pathetic, desperate, worried…

'It was when I was thirteen,' he started and began to cry again.

'When what?' Fai asked, urgently, desperately, touching Yuui's arm.

'I … can't tell you,' Yuui uttered between gulps and tears.

'Yes you can,' Fai said, panicking, 'you can tell me anything, I'm your brother! What happened?'

'Use your fucking imagination!' Yuui snapped, turning away from his brother.

Fai stopped completely, shunned back and pierced by Yuui's last words. Of course he'd guessed but … he had been avoiding that thought, desperately and unreasonably hoping…

'Yuui,' he whispered, feeling tears begin to prick his own eyes. 'Yuui, I'm sorry!' He sat down next to his brother and held him tightly, willing to soothe him, closing his eyes as if he would open them and the world would have changed. 'I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell anyone?'

'I couldn't. Not even you,' Yuui said, shaking his head. Then he pushed Fai off to his brothers' surprise, standing up and walking a few paces. 'Don't say sorry – it was my own fault.'

'How can something like that be your fault?' Fai asked in shock, in pity.

Yuui looked down on Fai for a second before turning away again. 'I trusted him too much. I thought he was going to help me and I believed him. Every fucking word. It was stupid of me.' He stopped to take a deep breath. 'He used me and then …'

His tone changed. 'It's different now.'

'Why?' Fai asked.

Yuui smiled. In another world. 'Because I went back. And I asked him to do it to me again myself.'

Fai could only stare.

***  
_Note: Looking back, the way I pictured this chapter is a bit cliché. The next chapter should make up for that, I'm hoping! The next chapter is another tragic one._

_And I needed a surname and, this story being set in the UK, my friend, L, and I came up with Mr. Scott. It was pretty much out of nowhere. If you feel it makes no sense then I hope you can look past it.  
Btw if you recognised the shameless Muse reference … well, yes it is a shameless Muse reference._


	10. Chapter 10

It was difficult to remember how it had begun. Or how any of it had begun.

Yuui could simply hear the voice in his head: 'You can talk to me about anything.'

It had been this voice that had lured him, like a light in the darkness, the small, strange and vulnerable fish towards the angler fish, pointed teeth poised, waiting…

A hand taken, a tear brushed away. It was a natural progression. There had never been anything wrong between them. This is where Yuui's mind never felt safe wandering. Now he was older, now he was nearly 17, he could see there was nothing innocent about it at all. And he was unsure how aging less than 4 years had made his senses any sharper.

'Yuui, there's nothing wrong with you,' he had been reassured.

Being held. 'You're a wonderful person who doesn't deserve this.'

_This_ hadn't been anything in particular. Just a gnawing feeling. It was cutting into his stomach, stabbing him. There was something not quite right about him. Him as a person. When he looked towards his hands he felt that they were different to everyone else's, even his identical twin's. He was a changed being, something that didn't belong. Maybe something had been twisted ever since the car crash – he felt that more acutely with every year he grew. Running his fingers along the scars in his legs, he wondered if something had been cut or drained from him. Nothing, no reasons, no descriptions could come to mind when he thought about it. His feelings were a closed door even to himself. When trying to figure it out, the answer came – there was nothing wrong. Something wrong but it couldn't be revealed.

This mental alienation turned him into prey.

The guidance teacher had taken the child's emotions, put them into a basket, cradled the broken pieces until he boy had felt whole again. Holding him together, holding him, the distorted relationship between the young pupil and the teacher began to fix something that had been broken.

Fai had never known. Yuui had never told him. Yuui had never told him that he felt strange in the first place. If he never told Fai then Fai would have nothing to worry about. He would only see the result – the new Yuui. Fixed, whole, a part of something he had never felt connected to before.

The teacher would take him to the park and he could talk to him for ages about anything that came to mind: his brother's fears, his alcoholic uncle, sometimes abusive, his feelings, his memories. Red kites and Japanese boys on swings. He told him everything, words spilling from his soul, purifying himself.

The only thing the teacher needed to give him back was support. His complete reassurance and kindness. The care that set Yuui's heart and mind in place.

The trust he had in Mr. Scott was to be his undoing. An offer given and accepted.

The man had asked, on a warm and breezy spring evening after school, if Yuui fancied some cake. Not doubting him for a second, the boy said yes, blushing even. As if he didn't want to be a nuisance. He had even been told it wasn't in town, it wasn't outside but inside the teacher's home, and still he agreed.

What had always puzzled Yuui now that he was older was that he had been given the cake. Mr. Scott hadn't needed to give him the cake first because he was already through his door. But he did.

***

Yuui remembered very little coherently. Perhaps that was a good thing.

The cake was perhaps the most vivid thing – plain but very moist and with good cream. It was a bit trivial but … well… that can't be helped. Yuui wondered what his words were. It'd answer a few more questions than the cake would, but at least he knew the general outline: Ashura, as he called him, wanted Yuui to do something for him.

A confused blink and that was all that was left of Yuui's innocence.

The hand had clamped over his mouth before he'd even realised the reason to scream.

He couldn't breathe.

His own hands, uncertainly human, couldn't see. If he scratched at the arm clamping his lips shut, pulling him closer to peril, would he escape? Or was it better to try grabbing the hand snatching at his clothes?

In animation, his legs kicked, arms tugged desperately as the carpet beneath him moved.

Like a piece of meat being dragged to the lion's den.

***

Yuui could see the wallpaper. In any time, in any place, something that he could always picture vividly was that wallpaper pattern. At first it seems plain – cream. Then blue swirls appeared before his eyes. Sometimes he traces shapes in the air.

The wallpaper was nothing real or something solid that could save him being dragged underwater. When he reached out, his hand caught nothing.

Sitting on a bus, in maths class, with his brother and Kurogane and picturing that wallpaper was like being in another world. Back then, he was in terrible pain. Not just that. Betrayed, victimised, humiliated.

***

Being in limbo. Trying to cry or scream and finding he couldn't. Trying to run, trying to escape. Wanting to escape so badly it made him sick.

He was helpless.

He was a worthless victim. Feeling pain. Feeling ill and the brutal, sickening movement against him. So desperate for everything to be over.

All he wanted was for it to end. Sobbing tears that wouldn't come.

This is what Yuui remembers.

***

'No… please…' he had whimpered, 'please … Ashura…stop.'

The hand had been removed now. As if Ashura had understood the child. As if he had known he couldn't scream anymore. Able to breathe now, he stole all the air he could just to be able to cry.

'Ashura … no… please … Ashura … can't… please… I-i want it… t-to stop, please … please stop i-i-i-it…'

***

Abandoned, discarded like useless rubbish. Like I am.

Afterwards, his face hidden, in tears.

Arms lift him up and place him on to the bed he was pressed against just before. The hands brush his hair as if he matters. It's all a twisted lie. Then Mr. Scott leaves the room, leaving Yuui crying on the bed, still half undressed.

How long was I like that for?

I felt disgusting. Something lowly, something dirty. I was filth.

I knew it myself. This was my fault. This wouldn't have happened to me if I wasn't so stupid. It still hurt.

Periodically, he would lift his face up from the sheets and peek towards the clock, realising Fai was in the world outside. He tried to fathom the time.

Once he lowered a shaking hand down to … that area… His fingers came back smattered with drops blood. Just like… He emitted a sob.

'That will happen,' he heard Ashura say.

Looking up, blinking through tears, he saw him standing in the doorway.

How long had he been watching him for?

He came over, sitting next to where Yuui still lay on the bed with his trousers and underwear down. He stroked the tears that were present from his face, transforming from beast to man.

He pulled Yuui up so that he was sitting, holding his shaking, shuddering shoulders. 'That's what will happen when two men have sex.'

Yuui looked towards him, not sure what to think. What would be the point? He wasn't able to do anything about it being a weak creature.

Ashura simply smiled, holding him and talking soothingly like a parent would. 'I don't think you've realised that you're gay. Not just yet.' He brought the child towards his chest. 'But some day someone you love with all your heart will do that to you too.'

'No,' Yuui finally whimpered.

He could feel Ashura's fingers brushing against the scars on the upper half of his leg. 'Interesting. Is this from when your parents died?'

Summoning up the strength, he pushed the English teacher off of him and moved himself over to the other end of the bed. He started pulling his clothes back into place, trying to make himself less vulnerable and less disgusting.

The man simply smiled. 'Go home, Yuui,' he said. And left the room.

***

Trembling, he opened the door. Ashura was nowhere to be seen.

Trying to act as if nothing had happened, he left the flat.

***

He washed. He washed his clothes too. Fai had thankfully left for orchestra, leaving Yuui alone. Leaving Yuui to feel the way he could in safety, hidden, for most of the night.

***

At first it was really hard to walk around school without crying or shaking. On the first day after he'd been raped he nearly broke down in his English class when Mr. Scott came in to ask the teacher for copies of a book.

He didn't even look towards Yuui or show any recognition that he was there. It was remembering who he had been less than 24 hours before that had unsettled Yuui and nearly tipped him over the edge. Remembering how he had enjoyed stealing something from him. He had become something else, something hideous with gripping arms and fingers, tentacles, multiple eyes Yuui had had no desire to see. He hadn't wanted to discover the sick pleasure in them.

He was pale, trembling and taking deep breaths to control himself by the time Ashura had left the room.

'Yuui, are you alright?' his brother had whispered to him.

He nodded, gulping, and smiled a bit more brightly than usual. 'Yeah, I'm just feeling a bit ill, that's all.'

'Maybe you should go home,' Fai said, looking worried.

'It's nearly the end of the day,' Yuui said, shining a determinedly bright smile. 'I'll be fine.'

***

'And that's what happened,' Yuui told Fai… Fai who was lost, sobbing, face in hands, covering his eyes to pretend this world, his world, was not connected to the story his brother was recounting.

'I'm sorry,' Yuui said, looking down, ashamed of making his brother look so terrible. 'I never told you anything.'

He stopped, waiting to hear if his brother would respond.

He didn't.

'You can't figure out why I went back, can you?' Yuui asked. He closed his eyes and swayed a little, to create a pause if anything else. Now the words were coming easily to him, pouring like a fountain from his pained soul.

When he opened his eyes again he stared at the light fitting. 'Do you remember that day we came home and our aunt was gone? She'd vanished.'

Fai pressed part of his hand hard against his left eye, as if he was wringing a wet cloth. 'He was so pissed so we pushed a chair against the door and stayed in our room the whole night? That was alright, we were alright then.'

'And we could still hear him throwing things about and swearing about us,' Yuui smiled, 'about how if we hadn't survived she'd never have left and he'd have money'

Fai blinked. 'Please say you didn't believe that.'

Yuui shook his head. 'Whether we were there or not, she'd still have left him. It's not like we changed everything – we stayed out of the way. Just hearing that yelling, thinking about it … I realised that … I still wasn't there… That was nearly three weeks after what happened.'

Fai looked towards him, hands clasped over mouth, and his eyebrows twitched into a worried frown.

Yuui decided to continue, to explain it as best as possible. 'It's as if I'm not part of the world, I'm just on my own. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. And for a while now I've been trying to find something that would link me back – something that would make me feel solid and connected.' He stopped. 'You think I need help don't you?'

Fai shook his head. 'Maybe not that kind of help.'

Yuui took in a breath and went on. 'I know it sounds stupid but despite having you with me I've always felt alone, like there was a hole in me and I didn't know what to fill it with. Hearing him yell like that …it was like the hole was a canyon that had consumed me. I was nearly crying – I didn't want that.'

He looked towards his brother sincerely. 'It sounds strange but I thought I could fill the gap with things that made me feel like a real person. And no matter how disgusting or worthless it had made me, being with Mr. Scott had made me feel like a physical being. I was willing to sacrifice myself just to know what it meant to feel normal.'

***

He could picture the teacher's surprise.

The boy had turned up at his door one lunchtime, seeming like a lost ghost, and spoke words full of determination with steady, even emotion. 'I need you to do that to me again,' he had said.

It was nearly a month after that day, somewhere behind them.

The teacher was astounded. 'But why? Didn't it make you feel horrible?' he asked kindly, as if he were not to be blamed for Yuui's startling condition.

The child nodded. 'I need to feel right and I need this to happen until I do.'

'And what makes you think that?' the teacher said in a strange mix of concern and curiosity.

Yuui closed his eyes. 'When you were in me … it was like I knew somewhere that I was a body that existed and I was real. And when I was crying, I felt connected to something I'd never felt before. I need that to happen again.'

'For Fai?' the teacher asked.

The boy nodded. 'For Fai.'

The teacher picked up his pen and set it down again to look towards him. 'Have you told your brother any of this?'

'No.'

The teacher raised his eyebrows and stood up. 'You do realise that this is asking for a horrifying and soul-destroying experience more than once? Several times. That in asking for this you're only hurting yourself?'

The boy nodded.

'And that while you're trying to rebuild or renew yourself you may actually be destroying yourself?'

'That's what I want,' Yuui stated.

'And you're sure about this?' Ashura asked disbelievingly.

'Yes.' He wasn't actually, he realised now. He hadn't understood the man's logic. Perhaps he hadn't understood Yuui's own logic either.

Ashura ran a hand along Yuui's cheek and the boy stood very still as he did so, seeming to barely notice it. Like a feather floating on a lake, undisturbed and unaffected by the deep instability surrounding it.

'How sweet,' the teacher remarked. 'Turning yourself into a doll, ready to be played with …' Then sighed. 'You're going to find yourself flung across the room one day … Alright. Just for you… I'll do it.'

***

Yuui smiled briefly, sweetly, sadly. 'I'm sorry that I lied, that I pretended to be happy. It was something that wasn't my choice at the time and it just continued. It became too easy to lie. I enjoyed being two people. And having control. And I'd like to apologise to Kurogane too because he obviously hates me for it and … that's…' He stopped there and started crying for the first time in over an hour. It must be tearing him apart that what he'd made himself back then is tearing him away from the person he's falling in love with, that one person who could save him, Fai thought pityingly. Later. When he was able to think straight.

Right then, unable to think, Fai jumped up and wrapped his arms around his brother, taking on everything, shouldering everything within Yuui. Holding him and feeling the mixed emotions of fear, pointlessness, hopelessness, forlornness seeping through his clothes into his skin, he felt strangely connected to his twin but at the same time detached. Despite this, despite the sickening tale, the shock he'd felt in hearing those words, the tears he'd shed, the pain he'd felt, he still held onto his brother. Because he loved him dearly and it made no difference what had happened between him and the older man.

Fai would support him for as long as he could.

***  
_Note: While I was trying to send this to my friend to preview I almost sent it to a homophobic Catholic boy lol he's starting to read Tsubasa but can't say we'll convert him to Kurofye any time soon.  
I'm beginning to realise 'Fish and Chips' is a bit of an absurd title given the subject matter haha. Please enjoy and review!_


	11. Chapter 11

'Kurogane,' Yuui whispered into his ear.

He could feel his warm body enveloping him.

'Don't leave me,' Yuui said, in bliss.

Floating, he felt overcome by something glowing, a wonderful sensation at body temperature. Searching for the other pair of lips he-

***

It didn't surprise him to wake up and hear the bustling in the kitchen or, more noticeably, the sharp bite of winter as it's forced to leave once more.

He sighed and left the warmth beneath his sheets.

***

'I need to talk to you,' Fai told Mr. Scott after his English class. And as a class it had been godawful. Fai couldn't shake the thoughts from his mind. Everything that his brother had told him the night before was gradually bubbling towards his eyes like a polluted spring. It made him sick and furious.

Ashura smiled and shut the door now that the other few members of the class had left. 'I take it you know the truth now. My question to you is what can you say or do to undo anything?'

'I can't,' Fai responded. 'I won't concentrate on the past because I can't change it; I can only accept it. What would be better is if I helped Yuui.'

'How very kind of you,' Ashura remarked, seemingly trying to annoy Fai.

'And I've realised,' Fai said calmly, staring into the sick man's eyes, 'that it isn't just about Yuui, is it?'

Mr. Scott smiled. 'Very clever, Fai,' he said, this time genuinely.

'So I'm right,' Fai sighed. 'This is about me too.'

'What made you realise?' Ashura asked, reminding Fai of a Cheshire cat for no particular reason. The sort of demented curiosity twisted people get when their plans are foiled, he supposed.

'You've been waiting for this,' he pointed out.

The question was repeated. 'What made you realise?'

'When Yuui was telling me about what happened,' Fai started hesitantly, 'he mentioned that you had asked if he had told me. Not if he had told anyone but me in particular. You wanted me to find out.'

'Do you know why?' Ashura smirked.

'No, I can't think of any sensible reason why a grown and responsible adult would rape a young and particularly vulnerable child to get to one of his pupils,' Fai said spitefully.

Ashura seemed to brush it off. 'Well then, are you going to turn me in?'

Fai sighed bitterly. 'I wish I could. But that's the last thing that Yuui needs.'

He looked back up to Mr. Scott with a straight and serious gaze. 'I need to ask you a few things. The first thing being, if you wanted to hurt me and not Yuui then why couldn't you have just raped me instead?'

Ashura raised his eyebrows as if he'd found an interesting article in a magazine. 'I thought you'd have realised why it wasn't you. And that's that I couldn't.'

He paused to allow Fai to reflect. 'Fai, even at that age you were an overly wary and very sensible child. Very smart and able, quite perceptive despite your youth. I'd never have been able to catch you as easily as your twin.

'The other reason,' he continued, 'is a psychological matter. Think to yourself - what would hurt you more: to be raped or to know that your precious brother had been?'

Fai didn't need to answer. Instead he glared, silently aggressive.

'This problem belongs to you and only you, Fai,' Ashura continued. 'You will shun all of your own concerns for someone you care for to an unreasonable extent. That's your flaw.'

'You're making me sound like a character in a tragedy,' Fai frowned, remembering all of the lessons he'd had with this man.

'You are,' Ashura remarked.

Fai continued to frown. Then said, 'You'll be pleased to know that I'm not just in denial about the answer to this next question – I can't figure it out. Although I'm gaining a slightly clearer picture.'

'Go on,' Ashura prompted.

'Why would you want to upset me?' Fai asked.

'Put simply, because I hate you,' Ashura said without tone. 'I always found it unbearably irritating to be confronted by the boy who realised everything. The child who was unnaturally gifted at sitting still, being quiet, studying others and always being right. You are a strange boy with psychological problems as deep as you can interpret in others.'

'So you feel threatened by me,' Fai instantly translated. 'You thought that I would discover you were a closet pervert and tell the other teachers. And that I'd realise at some point that you're a sick and agitated man who hates his life. Nothing went right for you, did it?'

Ashura's tone changed for the first time. It became more resentful. 'Correct again.'

Grabbing the opportunity with both hands, digging his nails in, Fai continued. 'You became sick of everything and chose to pour all of your hatred into the most vulnerable targets you could find for petty reasons.'

'Understanding so much, comprehending so little,' Ashura remarked, attempting to mar Fai.

'You hate me because I somehow intimidate you … Was there someone like me you used to know?'

Ashura said nothing. Just stared at him coldly. Fai hadn't been so sure if the last guess had been true or not but his next shot hit the mark.

'Has anyone ever loved you?' Fai asked, targeting the man who had brutally taken advantage of his brother as viciously and as personally as he could.

And just like in Yuui's story, the hands moved towards him before he realised what was happening. Like Yuui, he found one hand placed too firmly over his mouth. He could feel the other pressing the sides of his neck.

'I shouldn't have to do this, Fai,' Ashura muttered, pushing him back into the dark recesses of the room, where no one could see from the corridors. The windows were not at ground level.

He shook his head. 'No. You're my top pupil. And this subject at your high level is so subjective I could constantly mark you down for no reason and no one would be able to protest or even realise. I could even make your life miserable because I am your teacher and I have control.'

Ashura smiled pleasantly and his fingers pressed tighter around Fai's neck.

Maybe Fai could have prised the fingers off? But he was frozen. Helpless. Although, despite learning the meaning of the phrase 'paralysed by fear', being confronted by a psychopath, feeling his breath being slowly strangled from his body, he was somehow certain he wouldn't die. Perhaps he'd merely become accustomed to the presence of death on his shoulder, immune to its threats after being given time to anticipate its arrival. Death in a few months? Death today? He was prepared enough. But today was too soon for Yuui.

'You know,' Ashura started again, 'I could ruin you. I could have physically hurt you or I could have destroyed your life at school. But I didn't. Because I knew that you would ruin your own life. You spend so much time thinking about your brother, Fai, worrying about him when he's clearly insane, that you won't care about your own troubles or worries. Yuui will wreck your life and you'll be happy about it. That's how strange you are, Fai.'

Fai tried to shut it out, all these words involving twins, these words he didn't want to hear and it was then, when he stepped back and felt the solid fingers, saw the darkness and proximity, that the danger clicked firmly in his mind. Finally, after so long, he started to fight against it, wriggling, grabbing Ashura's immobile, stone hands. 'I don't care,' he screamed, although all it came out incomprehensible.

Ashura removed the hand covering his mouth, anticipating Fai's words.

'I don't care if you kill me now, but you'll hurt Yuui,' he cried, voice breaking from the pressure applied to his throat.

Ashura raised his eyebrows. Fai stopped struggling, slightly horrified and scared by the words he'd just uttered. It was true.

'You realise now,' Ashura said smugly, not even hiding the satisfaction in his voice, 'that you are just as insane as Yuui or maybe even me.'

Fai felt tears rising to the corners of his eyes, whispering hoarsely, fear dripping like sickening, inhuman slime from his voice, 'I'm not you … I'm not like you dammit!' Fai tried to yell but he was cut off again by the tightening grip and the hand being replaced over his mouth.

'He's 19 years younger than me, he doesn't even realise what he's doing but he's dependent on it as if it were a drug. And in a way, I depend on him, Fai… Do you have any idea what your brother feels like? Or what he tastes like? How he cries sometimes without a specific cause? How he sometimes closes his eyes and speaks that other boy's name when I touch him?' He shakes his head. 'How he's grown to find some sort of sick pleasure in this and how he hates himself for that? I know Yuui better than you because I am his last resort, the outlet for everything haunting him, stuck inside of him like resin. I did it because I wanted to harm you… so I thank you.'

Fai's horrified eyes glanced first up at his teacher and then across to the other who had entered the room carrying booklets.

***

Thank god, thank god he ran into Kurogane at the end of the second corridor - that other boy.

'What's happened?' Kurogane asked urgently. As Fai had passed, he'd caught his arm, causing the twin to yelp and turn around. Kurogane had even thought it was Yuui for a second, he was so accustomed to seeing one twin as fragile and the other as emotionally secure.

His worries only deepened as he watched Fai break down in front of him. 'Kurogane,' he sobbed, tears starting to pour from his eyes, 'you've got to help me!'

***

It took him a while to calm him down properly. In fact, the bell signalling the end of lunch and the end of his prefect duties had already rung. Fai had changed from seeming almost lost and unsure to hysterical and back again. He had kept on repeating that he needed to leave but Kurogane kept holding him back, gripping his shoulders tightly and pushing him back down into a seat he'd found for him. Every time this happened he'd tell him it'd be alright (perhaps slightly more assertively than most) and every time Fai blinked up to him with eyes glistening in sheer belief. Until he asked again.

He kept glancing around, touching his neck, constantly and consciously. Kurogane was growing incredibly suspicious but couldn't figure out what was wrong. This definitely wasn't like him… What'd he gotten himself into?

Finally Fai gave one last deep shuddering breath and stared distantly.

'Calmed down?' Kurogane asked him, thankful it was over.

Fai pursed his lips but didn't answer. Instead he jumped up suddenly, grabbed Kurogane's wrist and marched towards the door, saying, 'You need to come with me.'

'For fuck's sake, Fai! What's wrong?' yelled Kurogane, snapping.

Fai stared back woefully.

***

'Please, you need to understand that was the first time that's happened,' Fai was begging one of the English teachers whose name escaped Kurogane.

'So you're expecting me to just forget about it?' she said disbelievingly. She was sat at her desk, head in hands, messing up her well-arranged hair in her distress.

'No, that's not it, I just don't want to be implicated,' Fai told her.

'How am I supposed to say anything if I can't prove it? It'll sound like I'm making it all up!' the teacher protested.

'Please, they just need to trust you!' Fai insisted.

The teacher looked at him and shook her head as if clearing her thoughts and changing them. 'Are you alright?'

'What the hell's going on?' Kurogane asked demandingly in the background.

They both ignored him.

'Yeah, I'm okay,' Fai said.

She stared towards Fai, eyebrows furrowed, for a minor length of time and then asked, concerned, 'Do you want him to be punished?'

Fai nodded, 'Yes. It's not just me who's involved and … for what he did … I want him to die.' His face suddenly twitched and sank again until he was crying, as if there was something painful only he could realise. 'I want him to die,' he repeated faintly.

***

It was only after Fai had said this that Kurogane realised, with a lurch of his stomach, who this was about – Yuui.

***  
_Note: You know for once I have nothing to say, just enjoy and review!_


	12. Chapter 12

We sat in silence.

We always do.

He trails a finger along my face.

But I'm so immune it barely registers.

Yuui sat, glacial blue eyes staring off into the distance at the wallpaper.

'Fai is dying,' he finally said in a whisper.

'…Is that so?' Ashura responded, fingers gently brushing shining golden locks.

'He's only got a few months,' Yuui told him.

Ashura stopped, reflecting and then continued, this time choosing to press his lips against the top of his neck.

Yuui closed his eyes immediately and leant backwards. A volunteer victim. Never a participant.

'No,' Yuui finally sighed in exasperation. 'It wouldn't be like that.'

Ashura stopped suddenly, clutched Yuui's face in talon-like fingers and tugged it sharply to face him. Still Yuui's eyes were disconnected, seeing beyond. Or maybe nothing at all.

'Will it ever happen?' he asked coldly.

Yuui didn't respond.

'Stop thinking about him,' Ashura warned him. 'Stop thinking about what might and won't be.'

'Then I want to dream,' Yuui told him calmly.

Ashura just ignored him, continuing.

Yuui merely shut his eyes again, leaning back, head touching the wall. He allowed warm and bitter detachment to envelop him and wash down through his body, soaking him first from head and last to dainty toes. He drummed his fingers on the underside of the table he was propped on, shifting slightly to familiar and foreseen movements. This time something was different. He felt nothing, did nothing and still something felt wrong. Not incorrect but sick inside. Tired, close to tears, whether in boredom or realisation of his actions, he wasn't too sure. Was it because of Fai?

If Kurogane were to kiss me, how would he do it?

The question Yuui could never find a solid answer to. And enjoyed trying to find during these times when both his mind and soul became blanked. Sometimes it would be romantic to an unreasonable level, sometimes Yuui would try to picture them the way they were in the changing rooms and others nothing would come at all. It was then he would cry.

Today, not feeling the gap, he saw something very realistic. Seeming reluctant and spiteful. Soft, slow, deep.

He opens his eyes, finding himself frowning and feeling the fingers removing his school shirt for the first time.

'I don't want this,' he says automatically.

And. Something disconnects for a second. With a gasp, his cheek stings. And looking back again … Ashura had hit him.

It was the first time this had happened. And Yuui found that a strange fact to digest as he stared back in fear and shock, eyes finally taking Ashura in, skin finally recognising his presence.

'I … want Kurogane,' he found himself uttering, stupidly, nonsensically. 'I want to be loved.'

His breaths taking on a deep a shuddering form, he thought he was nearly about to cry. Ashura glared at him contemptuously.

This time he didn't fight or cry, he just allowed him to take him.

The difference was that this time, he felt blunt remorse. He felt a different sort of desire.

'I love Kurogane,' he told himself.

This was not the best time to be realising this.

He needed out, out of everything. This was the similarity between the first and the last time.

***

Despite every nerve in his body telling him to leave and never come back, he lay there, perfectly still and staring up at the ceiling. This time he was confused.

Was the slight sickness because anything had changed? Did he feel remorseful at all because of Fai or because of Kurogane? And why today of all the many days there could be did he have these thoughts and emotions?

'It must be because Fai knows,' he said to himself.

Still what did that have to do with Kurogane?

Ashura came in, cup of coffee in hand, leaning against the door-frame. He stood drinking it and staring at Yuui for quite a while, so Yuui just blanked him out, thinking about his own concerns.

Eventually, he left the room, put the mug on the draining board and sat down on the bed beside Yuui. Carefully, he placed a hand on his face in an act that was meant to be gentle, as if holding the head of a china doll.

'I think … I should resign,' he said, testing the words.

Yuui blinked up towards him. 'You're leaving?'

'Yes,' Ashura replied, looking into him, penetrating him through his eyes.

Yuui paused. 'Where are you going?'

Ashura sighed. 'I suppose I never considered moving. At least not yet.'

Yuui started to panic. 'What if I need you?'

'You need to ask yourself if you need me then,' Ashura tells him calmly, strangely unbiased.

The panic stirred everything to the surface and Yuui started to cry.

Awkwardly, he felt a hand stroke away the first tears to emerge from his eyes and a voice soft voice soothe, 'You shouldn't cry on behalf of someone like me.'

These things make Yuui feel more human.

One of the reasons that he cries is exasperation. The other is wondering why he made the decision he had.

***

And, just as promised, Yuui left the building at about five o'clock.

Looking pale and insecure, clutching his own thin arms, he stopped and stared when he saw Kurogane.

The boy facing Yuui frowned. 'Fai said you'd be here. Said he had orchestra.'

'Did he tell you why?' Yuui asked weakly.

Kurogane shook his head. 'But I'd like to know,' he hinted strongly.

Actually… Yuui was looking strange. Not ill, just… he continued to stare at Kurogane as if something had snapped, as if only the mere sight of him had sent his world crumbling down.

After what seemed like minutes ticking by, Yuui said strongly, 'We need to get out of here.' But his feet didn't move.

Kurogane frowned at him, marched towards him and grabbed him by the arms. Yuui jolted and blinked up at him, like a small animal in danger.

'There's something going on here and I don't like it one damn bit. So you'd better end it or tell me and I'll end it for you,' Kurogane threatened him aggressively.

Yuui gasped lightly and stared up towards him again, this time almost stuttering, as if were taken aback by something that he'd said. Kurogane hadn't thought he'd said anything special…

'I'll be back,' he eventually said in a wavering voice – a voice that had been crying. And with that he was gone, running even, back into the building.

Watching him go, Kurogane wasn't sure if he should be following or not.

In the end, something rolling over his stomach, twisting his innards, made him decide to follow. It's not like Yuui can be trusted or take care of himself.

Stopping at the bottom of the stairwell, he heard Yuui's feet hitting against the stairs and stopping. He'd slowed down and didn't seem too high up.

A door was opened.

'I've decided,' he heard Yuui say.

Making his way up the stairs, trying to picture the situation, so close but detached, Kurogane could do nothing but follow, shoes slapping hard against the concrete.

'I'm not coming back,' Yuui finished.

The person who opened the door said nothing and, judging by the lack of sound, neither of the people on either of the door had moved.

Making enough racket to make up for both of them, Kurogane rounded the last corner, whipped his head around and saw a blur slamming the door in Yuui's face.

He only briefly saw the person through the doorway and still he couldn't be too sure. An English teacher…

That would explain-

'We should leave,' Yuui said, turning around and smiling. A different smile. It took Kurogane aback with its sincerity.

***

Walking down the stairs and out the building side by side, Yuui was more relaxed than he'd been in months, years maybe.

Kurogane must have been staring at him funnily. 'Mmm?' Yuui murmured questioningly.

'Nothing,' he muttered quickly, turning away. Coming sharply to his senses, he snapped, 'What the hell's been going on?'

Yuui looked away and said, 'I … can't tell you what's been going on. And I think Fai would rather I was the one who told you.'

'I'll find out what's been going on,' Kurogane said determinedly, 'if it's the last thing I do. And then I'll sort both of you out. Maybe wring your neck.'

To his surprise, Yuui started laughing. A sweet, almost meaningless laugh; it came from nowhere but at the same time from somewhere deep within. Yuui's smile then turned melancholy. 'I'll tell you. Not now. But when I'm ready to tell you, I will,' he said, a certain mellow warmth greeting his expression, displaying on his face like a projection on a screen, 'so please wait for me?'

Kurogane wasn't too sure what to think. He couldn't exactly argue with it, though. He could only watch the Yuui who had transformed before his eyes.

'You can come back to our place if you want,' Yuui said, making conversation. 'I'll be cooking but Fai won't be back yet.'

'… I'll leave my dad a message,' Kurogane found himself saying.

'Really?' Yuui exclaimed, raising his eyebrows. 'It was just a suggestion?' And Kurogane had never taken up his offer before…

'Yeah well,' Kurogane started, 'everything's been a bit funny lately, right?'

'I suppose you could say that,' Yuui said, smiling again. 'Thanks for wanting to keep me company.'

It was the smile that made Kurogane's mouth shut tight, unable to reply.

Talking with Yuui, properly now, something had changed. There was something very welcoming about it, some part of it that he enjoyed. And although it was very uncertain and unfamiliar, instead of dismissing it, shoving it away into the back of his mind, he accepted it. He spent time with Yuui.

There was something about this, about talking to him as a friend, that made him think of something that had been lost.

And he never tried to escape his presence even when he felt something strong, different from before. Whenever Yuui smiled he felt flocks of butterflies and birds flying through his chest.

***

_Note: The day I wrote that last line there was a huge flock of birds in the field opposite my house and the second I stepped outside every single one of them burst up into the air._

_(I've been recently growing more and more aware of elements of my plot that I didn't understand when I put them down. It's weird.)  
Happy reading, please enjoy and review!_


	13. Chapter 13

As bright as he is beautiful, Yuui emerges, gulping in air, clearing the wet hair away from his eyes. In slow motion, he opens his eyes wide, revealing a deep abyss, the northern oceans themselves. And they open facing Kurogane, staring deep into his eyes. Seeing him, water sliding down his face and body, dripping off his hair, he grins in a way that makes it seem as if he almost laughed. Something drops in Kurogane's stomach as he swims over. He doesn't know whether it's in a good way or a bad way.

Yuui clings to the ledge in front of Kurogane and crosses his arms, tilting his head and beaming up towards him like a cherub. 'Hi, Kurogane,' he says.

'Hey,' Kurogane replied, suddenly self-conscious.

'Aren't you going to come in?' Yuui asked playfully.

'What do you think?' Kurogane snapped.

'Well, you're just standing there…c'mon, the water's _really_ nice,' he said, splashing Kurogane's legs with his hand, trying to annoy him.

'Yeah, yeah, stop it,' Kurogane growled, sitting down on the ledge and placing his legs into the water. 'Aren't you supposed to be doing laps?'

'Well,' Yuui started, lips curving, 'that seemed a bit boring and now that you're here we should just have fun, right?'

Kurogane had to smile. At the attitude and at the wonderfully blissful smile.

Yuui pushed himself away from the edge and began to swim away, slowly, without any hurry or reason to rush in the world and with such gentle movement that the water barely felt his arms brushing it aside.

Kurogane followed him in, regretting it for the first few moments, the cold chilling his bones. But slowly, gradually, he grew accustomed to the shift in temperature. He felt the water tremble as his arms ploughed through the contained water, not even creating ripples but violent splashes. This was only to be expected. Nothing about Yuui could ever be destructive and nothing about the two of them could ever be alike.

Watching the boy at the centre of the pool, the way he held himself in the water, his gaze towards the glass ceiling – it caught the reflections of the pool, a dance of light… he emitted a soft and shallow sigh, leaned backwards to float upon the water as if it were a bed of feathers or he were being held in suspension, lying swathed in gently whispering clouds.

Despite himself, Kurogane frowned. These thoughts could not appear coherently in any sort of form or meaning.

'Kurogane,' Yuui called, motioning him over. Kurogane gritted his teeth and started swimming towards him again, feeling somehow compelled and frustrated for that very reason.

'How long can you hold your breath under water?' Yuui smiled towards him, trying to engage him.

'Never counted,' Kurogane responded grouchily. It had actually been a while since he'd gone swimming.

'Count me,' Yuui said before taking a huge gulp of breath and disappearing completely. Leaving behind only a small tremor of a ripple. And although weak it grew and grew in diameter until it eventually lapped against Kurogane's chest.

Staring at him through the water, Kurogane was given the chance to think over his own previous thoughts and decisions.

It was due to yet another request from Fai that he found himself accompanying Yuui at the swimming pool. What worried him was that it was partially voluntary – he had actually wanted to see Yuui away from school and his brother. As much as he hated to admit it, something was changing and he didn't like thinking about it too much.

It was true that Yuui had changed too and that Kurogane found him more tolerable this way. But he was suspicious about the change itself. How anyone could become so happy and carefree instantaneously was beyond him. And this meant that there was still something happening behind the smile, the curtain, but unlike last time this smile carried no hint of a heavy burden. A secret from the world. He knew it was something to do with a teacher, something that had happened previously, but couldn't figure it out. He could only wait.

Yuui emerged again, shaking the water from his eyes and then blinking towards Kurogane. He looked at him questionably before frowning and smiling at the same time. 'You didn't count, did you, Kuro-chan?'

'What did you just call me?' Kurogane growled, looking like he'd been hit in the face.

Yuui laughed, 'That's a Japanese nickname, right?'

Usually Kurogane tried to count to ten before he exploded and nearly killed someone but he decided to make an exception this time. Not that it mattered because Yuui merely laughed and swam away at full speed at the sight of Kurogane ploughing through the water furiously to reach him. And Yuui was a much better swimmer than him so … he escaped the clutches of Kurogane's murderous hands for one day. He could move more naturally in the water.

'Bastard, I'll get him back on dry land,' Kurogane thought vengefully.

Checking around, he realised that he'd lost sight of him…

'No matter, probably a good thing,' he found himself thinking, reawakening fear in reminding himself of his awkwardness around Yuui.

Being around him more often, something was beginning to emerge - deep-rooted, his emotions were peeking through earth, preparing to bloom. That was alright. He'd been dealing with that for a long time. It was only that there were two things complicating matters. These were the changes he'd seen in Yuui and also his increasing acceptance towards his feelings for him. Treading water, he felt it welling and rising inside him and also a certain sense of sickness at its arrival. He dreaded the day when one of these two things got the better of him.

Then something tugged at him. Physically this time. More specifically, his ankle. He jerked and thrashed out.

'AH, MY NOSE!' a voice yelped behind him.

'What?!' Kurogane barked, turning around to face him.

'You just kicked me in the face!' Yuui replied, rubbing his nose and mixing both an annoyed and pathetic tone in his voice.

'You shouldn't have tried to pull me under then!' Kurogane yelled in response.

Yuui stared towards him and then turned away, looking in the other direction.

Kurogane glared. 'Alright, I'm sorry. It's not like I even meant it…'

'It's alright,' Yuui said, slight unconvincing smile appearing behind his hand.

Kurogane raised an eyebrow, 'It's not broken or anything, is it?'

'It's fine,' Yuui responded hastily, removing his hand, 'see?'

Watching Kurogane's dubious reaction, he smiled again. 'Fai always worries about me too much. You're only slightly better.' He then turned again and swam away.

'What the hell does that mean?' Kurogane snapped, snatching at his wrist to prevent him from running away. He immediately realised that this was a mistake. He enjoyed the touch of Yuui's flesh under his own too much for his own liking.

Yuui gasped slightly, turning round to stare at him. Shaking his hand free as Kurogane slowly retracted his own hand, he remained silent. It was only when he seemed to have found the words that he replied truthfully, 'It means that I'm glad to have two people who care about me.'

He smiled softly and sadly. Heartstrings rang, picked and strummed, trembling in silence.

***

Fai tapped the neck of his violin as he waited for something to happen. He was wondering how Yuui and Kurogane were getting on…

Earlier he'd sensed a change in Yuui and was wondering how his friend would have reacted to it. Whether he would choose to accept or reject any new emotions.

He supposed that the change was due to Mr. Scott leaving the school. Perhaps Yuui had stopped seeing him… perhaps he was free.

***

Fai had watched him pack his things away, arrange sheets and class-work for any new teacher arriving and removing his aspect, his presence from the school.

'Moving schools to pick up another victim?' Fai asked from the doorway, both bitter and triumphant.

Ashura merely smiled towards him. 'There won't be another Yuui.'

Fai blinked, uncertain…… 'You don't…'

'Yes, you'll find that I do. I'm not joking either,' Ashura responded.

It took Fai a second to say it, checking that he was not being too rash or jumping to conclusions. It was a difficult enough concept to grasp. 'If you loved him then why would you have hurt him?' He shook his head. 'If you cared for him at all you would have left him alone.'

Ashura's constant smile retained its undying presence. 'Can't you see? It was too late then. And for my own selfish purposes, I wanted to keep that boy.'

'So why would you let him go?' Fai asked, curious.

This time, the teacher sighed. 'Because I realised that if our little affair didn't come to an end then he would have finished me long before I finished him. In a way we both needed each other. However it was coming towards the stage where only I would have needed him.'

Fai thought about this before he replied and Mr. Scott continued to shuffle paper, label and organise as he waited. 'I thought you were leaving before you were fired and before you were ruined. But you're not are you?… You're leaving because Yuui realised the mistake he'd made, didn't he? And you couldn't bear the thought of him hating you.'

Ashura breathed out deeply, placing the paper in hand down and folding his hands before him at the desk. Finally he turned to face Yuui. 'He loves you both. Fai, he wasn't able to stand the thought of upsetting you. He knows how much you worry about him … and how much it would pain you if he continued to hurt himself in this way. And as for that other boy.' Ashura frowned towards nothing in particular. 'He doesn't even realise how strongly he feels for him.'

Fai smiled. 'You feel it too… they're meant to be, right?'

'Wrong,' Ashura answered bluntly.

Fai stared at him, taken aback, hopes and ambitions crashing about his feet. 'But why?'

'That boy is too young and stubborn,' came the reply, 'and even if he does accept that he wants to be with Yuui then he'll put it off. You forget that although you can understand your brother, he can't. To him, Yuui is some sort of complex, depressed and infuriating riddle. Lacking the patience or will, he won't know where or how to even begin solving that puzzle and without the maturity he will never fathom the solution nor Yuui himself. And thus the pair make their way through their dismal and meaningless lives alone.'

By the end of this, Fai's expression had turned to that of dismissal and contempt.

Ashura immediately picked up on this. 'I know that you didn't want to hear that … you always wanted that boy to take care of Yuui once you'd passed on, didn't you? I too would look forward to seeing Yuui happy, however unfortunately it is not meant to be.'

For a long time it seemed that Fai didn't know where he stood. Frowning sometimes, silently upset at others and again, conscious and unwavering at times. In the end he smiled. 'You know…' he began, 'we met Kurogane as children. Only for a few days, but it was enough. When I saw them together for the first time it felt strange. At that age I couldn't figure out why. But now I know that it's because I'm not part of Yuui. I may be his twin, we may be completely identical and we may be closer to each other than anyone else but I'm not his other half. Kurogane is. And Yuui belongs with him, not me.'

Ashura smiled to himself, finding something within Fai. 'This is why you had so little difficulty accepting death. You see yourself as unnecessary.'

'No, that's not-!' Fai started and then stopped himself. 'Actually …'

Right again.

'You see now,' Ashura said gently, 'why we are so alike. The only difference is that, unlike me, you put yourself before Yuui even though we both care for him.'

Fai remained silent, staring to the side, a trickle of fear sliding down into his chest, increasing in size and power.

'Farewell, Fai,' Ashura said, his smile still playing on his face.

'Goodbye,' Fai said as he turned and left.

***  
_Note: It's the return of the light humour! Unfortunately it's not over just yet so beware =)  
Enjoy and Review!  
PS I remember when my previewer, L, read this chapter, she told me that Fai and Ashura would make a good couple ……… eh?!_


	14. Chapter 14

Checking that his violin is in tune, he sits on his seat, staring towards the empty audience seats and turns his memories over.

His illness had been a difficult thing to hide from Yuui, what with the chemotherapy and hospital visits. It startled others that he'd nearly managed to die in peace. It was only a matter of being careful. On days he had to go to the hospital, he would leave no clue that he had ever left, either leaving between classes or sometimes taking the whole day off if Yuui would note his absence. At nights he might have piano lessons and he was willing to play his fingers down to the bone in practice to prove to his brother that he was alright.

As his ears strained to block out the hustle and bustle around him, he noted, with a sad hint of irony, that it was partially due to his illness that he had become such an adept and professional musician. The extra hours of practice, the marks buried into his fingertips, had changed him. He'd always felt music was special but no more so than during those dying days. He would play until the crick in his neck became unbearable just to distract himself. More usefully, his violin became an emotional outlet alongside the piano.

Pressing a key, bowing a string, he felt his heart echo around the room. If he picked the correct notes, chords, rhythm, he could map his emotions with bizarre precision. It was his talent for music that had kept him whole, taught him a way of speaking without words and expressing himself without a soul knowing of a specific problem.

Yuui was clueless to the emotional turmoil raging within his brother.

Hayley was not.

She played cello in the orchestra. She sat beside him in his music class. And without being able to define what Fai felt so desperately, she heard the plaintive sorrow and the weeping, the exasperation and the fear from his instrument channelled through his fingers rather than his closed eyes. Suddenly, distinct from every other would-be string player around her, she felt a real heart beating and felt overcome as she was swept into the turmoil.

This had been how they became so close so quickly. Her own heart beating faster, she had become suddenly and strangely determined to stand beside this boy, if only to try to help him with whatever problems he was facing. Soon she found herself beside a hospital bed. And Fai felt almost guilty for her decision, but at the same time he couldn't prevent her from choosing what she wanted to do. Instead he was simply grateful for her presence.

He told her everything.

And that day he told her about the cancer making him the violinist he is, the one that everyone complimented and found something special about. Death had, in some twisted way, made him a happier person. To feel the way I do about music so much more clearly and acutely, he told her, I'm happy.

She kissed him on the cheek and told him she was glad.

***

The other irony, Fai noted, was that sometimes he never had to tell Yuui that he was going anywhere because Yuui wasn't in the house either - he was away. And now Fai knew where Yuui had been… what he had been doing …

It made him feel queasy thinking about it. Thinking that what his brother had done had aided him in some way.

It only made matters worse that each brother's desire to hide their secret from the other worked hand in hand. Blind to the truth, merely grateful to be hidden, they continued lurking in the dark and burying their pain to prevent the ones they were closest to from ever finding it.

His brother's … affair… the sex he'd being having was no different to Fai's bent, sore and overworked fingers. They had both retreated to a room with a lock on the door to prevent themselves from cracking and keep themselves whole. Both for the sake of the other. And as if it were alright to pretend and act out a life to their twin brother.

This he kept to himself, not wanting to relate his brother's problems to Hayley. She was someone connected by very thin yet durable threads to him but not his brother. He has Kurogane, Fai thought.

He looked at his watch.

***

At about 7 o'clock Kurogane and Yuui left the pool.

They showered in silence, holding their own thoughts and emotions within themselves.

Yuui noticed the shapes and contours of Kurogane's muscles with an unnoticed breath. Warm and delicate craving. His lips pressed themselves into a smile. He ignored the slight flush around his cheeks. What he would give to have Kurogane protect him with those arms, those muscles. Closing his eyes, once more he envisaged the touch. Close, firm, surrounded, skin dances touching other skin. Exhaling a warm breath at their connection, driving soft ecstasy from fingertips through spine, he presses himself further into a niche …

And at the same time Kurogane watched the water droplets slipping down Yuui's skin enviously. They touched his face and brushed his neck without any emotion or sensation. Water drizzled down his chest free from desire. It ran down his faintly scarred legs not knowing how privileged it was being in the position Kurogane felt an increasing urge to put himself in. He'd known only briefly how wonderful Yuui could be, and even then that was a dream.

So, concerned only with their own dreams and desires, they left the showers and changed without considering or wondering about the other's feelings.

It was only later as they were walking back to Yuui's home for dinner before leaving to watch Fai's performance that Yuui finally plucked up the courage to say something he'd wanted to say for a while now…

'Kurogane,' he started gently.

'Mmm?' Kurogane grunted, pretending to be disinterested.

'I'm sorry,' Yuui uttered solemnly. 'I'm sorry I lied to you all that time.'

Kurogane frowned curiously. 'Which lies?'

'I think you know,' Yuui responded. 'Everything. The way I acted, who I pretended to be, what I said.'

'You weren't really that happy, were you?' Kurogane asked bluntly, making sure Yuui knew that he was an idiot.

He seemed to get the message. Shaking his head and smiling sadly, he responded, 'No, not really.'

It was only a slight relief for Kurogane to hear this. He'd known all along after all. However it did feel strange. It seemed to represent the end of something. Which signalled the beginning of another.

***

Hayley clutched his hand, brushing it gently.

'This is something you enjoy,' she said. 'And I know that you can't give it in. So don't sacrifice it just for feeling guilty. Yuui knows you better than anyone and he'll understand. I'm very sure it'd make you both upset if you stopped playing.'

'Thank you,' he smiled, speaking faintly.

'Can I just ask…?' she started.

'Yes?' Fai prompted her.

She bit her lip. 'It's a very difficult question, do you mind?'

Fai shook his head. He realised that, strangely, she was the only person who he talked to about death. And she was certainly the only person who ever asked him about it. But still she always seemed so considerate and apologetic in a heartfelt way. Never so much understanding because she knew herself that she couldn't achieve this and Fai never expected it of her. Even so she achieved something that was specific to her - it was a difficult subject but Fai never seemed to mind being asked about it. If anything he felt slightly warm at the way she asked.

She stared at him and felt how secure his emotions were behind his eyes. 'You don't see this time right now as being pointless, do you? Like you shouldn't be here?'

Fai stopped, staring blankly. 'I… don't know. Why are you asking?'

'Because you shouldn't be doing that to yourself,' she answered plainly. 'You still matter to people … and you still have a contribution to make in a way. Just that… you need to be here.'

Fai stared away, not wanting to answer the question either to her or to himself.

'Does that mean you believe in fate?' he asked.

'Sometimes,' she said, smiling.

***

Sitting in the audience, watching as Fai played, Kurogane deciphered in the darkness the shifts and changes in Yuui's expression.

As the orchestra played, he seemed not to react at all. Out of all the noises and sounds that echoed through the hall it was difficult to label any of them as Fai, acting as a part of a unit. However there were moments when Fai would turn and glance towards a page no one else had or at least only a select few. And then, unchained, he was playing music for himself.

The little light made the tears in Yuui's eyes sparkle even brighter, like a diamond still set in stone. His eyebrows may dip at times, changing his smooth forehead, his mouth twisting. He may put a finger towards his lips, uneasy, and move closer into himself. And one time he closed his eyes and smiled politely, full of warmth and pride. Opening his eyes again, he turned to Kurogane and said, 'I'm alright.'

Kurogane immediately glanced away. Perhaps too quickly. He hadn't caught himself staring.

He didn't understand music particularly so he couldn't see why Yuui was close to tears. Probably something to do with Fai being ill, he thought. And then he felt a pang of foreboding fear too, something quiet but strong, it hissed in his ear telling him how little time there was left. Fai was his best friend. Yuui was Fai's brother.

And suddenly the audience started to clap and Kurogane jolted, hurrying to join in and feeling slightly rude and ignorant as he did so.

'It's the way he plays,' Yuui said next to him, just above the sound of applause and wiping his tears from the corner of his right eye, 'like he's detached from everything else. He puts so much of himself into it and you can hear it in the way that he plays.'

Kurogane said nothing, realising that the two of them understood each other to an awkwardly intimate extent. Close without ever having spent enough time around the other to learn them.

***  
_Note: School orchestras only play boring songs so your mind drifts off and they can trick you into feeling bad when you forget to clap…  
I don't know why there's a Hayley, there just always has been in my mind. She doesn't alter the plot in any way but she's always been there for some reason. I think she was just someone Fai was able to confide in and I felt there was something nice about that so she stayed.  
Please enjoy and review!_


	15. Chapter 15

It was on their birthdays that everything changed.

And maybe the world spun on a different axis.

The twins turned 17 in mid-February. The air held a great deal of melancholy a few days before and a few days after, probably due to the fact that everyone had realised it would be Fai's last birthday and they tried their very best to make it something special. Fai in particular got a lot of nice presents that people had obviously spent a lot of time and money searching for and buying.

The amount of fuss made wasn't proportional to the event at all and by the end of the school day Fai felt terrible – it was as if he had garnered all of the attention and Yuui was ignored, left in the corner, when really they were both equals and the same. He almost felt like telling them to stop, to think and realise that the twin who was alive was Yuui, not him. He hadn't done anything to deserve it and didn't even want it.

He thinks about what Hayley and what Ashura had said.

And sighed. Perhaps they're right. Perhaps I do have problems.

At the very least, he was glad that people were concerned about him.

'Chocolate or sponge?' asked Hayley on the way home.

'Chocolate,' one twin answered and, 'Sponge,' responded the other.

'Marble it is,' she said, compromising.

Both twins smiled, recognising a desire to treat them as equals. For once in that day.

Kurogane said nothing. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten into this but he wasn't about to regret it or anything. The four of them, being the closest, were planning on going back to the twins' flat and opening presents and eating there. Naturally neither twin could cook on their birthday and Hayley had volunteered to bake a cake so it was Kurogane who'd picked up the spare job. He wasn't sure why exactly because he couldn't cook but he agreed with the principle so it wasn't like he could protest.

'Neither of us are very fussy eaters,' Yuui smiled. 'Besides, it's more fun this way.'

Kurogane looked towards him and found he had nothing to say. Fai and Hayley were speaking together easily enough in front of them, but he had nothing to say to Yuui. Was it after all these years or just now?

'Well you're the one eating it,' Kurogane gruffed.

'And I appreciate it,' Yuui said kindly.

Kurogane's heart dropped like a broken lift. The wires had snapped. How far it plummeted he didn't know. How long could he take this?

***

In the end he didn't lose himself like he'd feared but the cooking didn't go too well either. The four of them crammed themselves into the kitchen with Yuui and Hayley baking and Fai and Kurogane cooking, sweet and savoury respectively. With the twins grabbing bowls and spoons, helping out as they realised the dangers of leaving those two in a kitchen, it wasn't too bad a disaster and Yuui had been right – it was more fun that way – but still something didn't seem right. Maybe the air from school had infected their lungs. None of them were thinking about death and barely realised its presence but still it hung there, thickening the air, crashing their intimate party.

That was it – it was so quiet. February removed the noise from the room, plucking it in strands and eating it like noodles.

'What's this called?' Yuui asked, twirling his fork around the plate.

'Yaki-udon,' Kurogane responded simply, easily transferring food to mouth with chopsticks.

Fai was managing albeit much more slowly and hesitantly to eat using the chopsticks Kurogane had brought and Hayley tried her best, having Fai teach her like the blind leading the blinder. The student gave in half way through and went to grab a fork from the kitchen, laughing as she went. Yuui had succumbed slightly later but his teacher had much less patience.

'No! Put your finger there! Like this!' Kurogane snapped after the lesson was barely minutes in.

Yuui stared at him utterly bemused and confused, holding a pair of red chopsticks very tightly and uncertainly. He slid his finger along slightly.

Kurogane looked and groaned. 'Good enough, now press them together.'

Perhaps not good enough – Yuui sat snipping at the noodles like a spatially confused bird at a worm. Or maybe the student was a bit of a lost cause. Either way the noodles kept slipping and it began to grate on Kurogane's nerves.

'Not that hard! Hold them loosely!'

Yuui blinked and followed orders. Now he couldn't grab the noodles with the chopsticks at all.

'Noodles are a bit tricky to learn with I think,' Hayley said, trying to break the atmosphere slightly, waving around her newly acquired fork. 'They're delicious with or without chopsticks.'

Kurogane didn't turn to glare at her as he was so tempted to do mostly because it would break his annoyed stare at Yuui who looked like he wanted to sink into his seat. However, unfazed and brave enough to tame a lion, he almost giggled. 'Kuro-chan, you can teach me tomorrow, that's enough for tonight.'

Kurogane slammed his own chopsticks down and stood up. Everyone stopped, fearing the worst. He marched over to the other side of the table where Yuui sat. As he snatched his chopsticks from him everyone was wordless.

Silently, still staring coldly towards Yuui, he picked a few bits of noodles up with the chopsticks and held them towards Yuui's lips.

And then, fracturing the tension in the room for a small moment, the object of his desire burst into laughter. 'I can't fit all that in my mouth.'

Kurogane lowered them closer to Yuui's hands and Yuui's smile dropped. Slowly, he raised his hand, staring straight towards Kurogane's eyes as his fingers clasped around the chopsticks, brushing against his fingers and, as he tightened his grip, pressed delicately against them. Kurogane drew in a breath and retracted his hand once Yuui's grip was adequate. It was then he felt the chill in the air and Fai and Hayley's stares on him.

Feeling slightly awkward, he sat back down as Yuui messily ate his noodles. Then, cracking the cold atmosphere, Fai smiled knowingly.

'What? What did I do?' Kurogane burst out loudly, acting defensive.

Fai smiled again. 'Nothing,' he replied, getting up to bring his brother a fork.

***

He slammed the door shut behind him and Yuui sat down on his bed.

'Why can't I open my present in front of Fai and Hayley?' Yuui asked in a very confused tone but with an unhidden edge of excitement. Kurogane figured he still hadn't guessed despite the closed door he was even considering jamming shut with a chair.

Once he realised that Kurogane wasn't going to reply, Yuui said, 'Thank you.'

'I've not given you yours yet,' Kurogane snapped irritably.

'For Fai's,' Yuui smiled. 'He's been feeling terrible all day because of the presents he's been getting and I think yours cheered him up.'

Kurogane ignored him, mind spinning in scattered lines like a crayon drawing on a wall. He could barely follow his train of thought.

'I need you to listen,' he finally said.

Yuui smiled again and nodded.

'I've not spent a lot of money on you,' Kurogane started, 'because frankly you make me sick.'

Yuui's expression dropped. 'Is it because I lied? I apologised for that.'

Kurogane shook his head. 'That's not just it.' He stopped. 'I don't know what to do.'

'About what?' Yuui asked, visibly worried.

'You,' he said, taking a step closer to Yuui. 'Being with Fai is normal but you complicate things. I hate being around you because I never know what to do. You change me when you're around and it stops now.'

He folded his arms and paused, watching Yuui react. The blonde sat beneath him looking vulnerable, almost pathetic if it were not for a sense of silent strength behind his mouth, his shoulders and eyes, beginning to fill with tears. 'I'll try to keep away from you and Fai,' he eventually said in a soft voice.

'It's too late for that now,' Kurogane said, voice sharp and cold like a sword's edge. 'We can't avoid each other, I've already tried that. So you need to decide what happens next starting tomorrow.'

'What do you mean?' Yuui whispered.

'Close your eyes,' Kurogane told him darkly, 'and you'll get your present.'

Yuui stared up towards him with pleading eyes, completely disorientated.

'Well?' Kurogane snapped and Yuui quickly closed his eyes, pressing them lightly. 'Hands on your lap,' he was instructed and he flipped his hands over so they sat open on his lap.

He breathed in deeply and a tear escaped the corner of his right eye. He didn't move to wipe it away, as if it he'd never allowed it to fall.

A terrible silence ensued. A war at sea was waged and a ship was sunk. Kurogane felt the blasts reverberating from his mind through his body to his fingertips.

'Kurogane,' Yuui said very lightly and questioningly during this dead period of time, his face and body like the perfect statue, bracing itself for the storm.

'Yeah,' was all Kurogane could say. That was it. Yuui couldn't see but the expression on his face showed sadness and unsettlement. He breathed in deeply.

Yuui opened his eyes before he was told to or before he could feel anything in his hands. Instead he felt something against the cheek his tear had run down just before. It was firm but not hard and caressingly gentle, not soft but trying to be careful, as if another tear should never spill from that eye. Yuui held his breath. It was slightly wet and achingly simple, something so short it lasted less than a second but left Yuui feeling slightly dazed, flowers blooming within. Kurogane's kiss.

As he pulled away, Yuui turned to look up towards him. Half shocked and slightly giddy, there was no clear expression on Yuui's face. Another tear merely ran from his eye down to the corners of his mouth, twitched into a wordless smile. He searched the other's face, looking for an expression or a sign of emotion but found none.

Kurogane picked up a small package, flung it in his direction with a petulant, 'Happy birthday,' and left the room, throwing the door open and slamming it quickly and violently.

Yuui stopped, confused. Without understanding how he felt and still unable to speak, he shyly picked at the hastily wrapped bundle on the floor. Once it was opened he found a pair of swimming goggles. He already had two pairs. He sighed and placed them with his trunks and other goggles. This wasn't his present.

'So … I have to make the next move,' he said to himself, turning things over in his mind. Hesitant, fearful, he realised he was lost.

By the time he'd summoned the courage to leave the room, Kurogane was gone.

***

Hayley had left first. Fai was glad for the solitude they'd been allowed after Yuui and Kurogane had left the room. It had given them an opportunity to express something, almost the same as the other two in the twins' bedroom. Nothing had happened but still Fai smiled silently as he turned over the small hand-made box. For special things, she'd said. He'd never realised before. For the next few months he should try to collect his special things to place in the shoddily crafted red box. For a while now they'd seemed scattered. It seemed a good idea to bring them together at this time.

Kurogane couldn't understand what was so great about it but never bothered questioning it. Then again he couldn't figure out what was so amazing about the present he'd given Fai either.

Fai had flicked through the first pages with such glee and thanked him sincerely. Not so much because it was something he'd been wanting but because it was quite a hefty book and looked like it would take a lot of time to read. He smiled, finally holding an object that dismissed time.

As Kurogane told Fai that he needed to get home, Fai had asked, 'Did you give Yuui his perfect present?'

Kurogane sighed, 'Sort of.' At the time he couldn't bring himself to touch Yuui's lips. Especially not with his own. 'Thanks. That was a big help for me too.'

Fai grinned, 'You're welcome. I'm glad to be of good use.'

'So do I just leave it now or what?' Kurogane burst out, part of himself panicking.

'It's not a plant or anything,' Fai replied, confused. 'I think that one of you will need to do something in the next few days though.'

Kurogane repeated this to himself in his head and frowned, taking in meanings. 'See you.'

'Bye,' Fai said, cheerily.

Walking out the door, Kurogane suddenly stopped and turned, saying, 'Happy birthday,' as if he'd forgotten.

Fai laughed. 'Thank you,' he said and watched him leave, keeping the door open a little longer and feeling the biting air before sighing in achievement and shutting door.

***  
_Note: Well firstly, I've no idea how to make Yaki-udon. I've had it before though. I went to a Japanese restaurant with some friends once. Big mistake =S I now know a Japan enthusiast who doesn't like Japanese food.  
Secondly, yep, you read correctly – Kurogane _actually_ did something!  
Thirdly, aaaww Yuui is so sensitive. I get the feeling it's a bit OOC but er… well it's an Au and he's young, right?  
Fourthly, I spend all my time hitting send/receive on my inbox now. Thanks to everyone who reviews, it's such a good feeling to see your comments!  
So please continue enjoying and reviewing!_


	16. Chapter 16

Nothing happened the next day. There was no response, no reply. It seemed that it was easier for Yuui to avoid Kurogane than the other way round.

Kurogane found himself gritting his teeth, getting anxious and surprised at his irritation. Should he really be this annoyed? Especially if he didn't care?

Five days after the twins' birthday it would be Valentines Day but Kurogane never gave it a thought. Commercial crap, that's what it was. That had nothing to do with what was going on between and him and Yuui.

'Want one?' Fai asked, holding a box out to him as they walked home.

Kurogane passed and Fai popped another into his mouth. Thorntones and a really nice box at that…

'Who are those from?' Kurogane asked curiously.

'Secret,' Fai said, mouth full of chocolate and coffee.

Yeah like he couldn't guess, Kurogane huffed, looking to the side. Still he didn't say anything about it.

'Where's Yuui?' he asked instead.

'Why? Were you wanting to give him something?' Fai asked, a teasing lilt to his voice and a sly smirk on his face.

Kurogane glared at him, fists clenched, sick of this joke.

'Alright, I'm sorry. It was brave of you to admit,' Fai apologised. 'And I don't know. He doesn't have anything on today.'

'He's avoiding me, right?' Kurogane said.

Fai nodded.

'It's damn annoying,' Kurogane said, putting his point across.

'He has his reasons,' Fai said, defending Yuui and taking another chocolate out of the box.

'And what are they?' Kurogane asked sharply.

'He'll tell you when he shows up,' Fai said, 'and I'm not telling you anymore.'

'Tch,' Kurogane muttered bitterly. Figures.

***

He didn't have to wait very long for Yuui to turn up. It was the evening. His dad still wasn't home but he wasn't far off arriving and the doorbell rang.

'Hi,' he was greeted pleasantly as he opened the door.

Yuui stood before him, shy and innocent smile lighting his face and a carrier bag held in both hands in front of him. He was dressed in a thick coat but his knuckles and cheeks held a faint red hue, affected by the cold. His breath flowed in clouds of steam, warm and gentle from his body.

Still unsure as to what to say to him, Kurogane held the door open for him to come in.

He seemed to step in lightly, so weightless the floor beneath couldn't feel him. He put the bag down, took off his coat and held it in his arms, looking towards Kurogane as a message he didn't want to convey using words. Kurogane took his coat from him and put it up, frowning towards the subdued person in front of him, for the moment as old as he was.

'I'm sorry I've taken a while to give you an answer,' Yuui said, voice so weak it could crumble at a touch and yet with a smile and a fortified look beneath his eyes. 'I thought I knew exactly what I wanted but it turned out to be more complicated than that.'

Kurogane didn't dare ask what that was. Instead he asked, 'Do you want a coffee?'

Yuui's smile melted the cold. 'Yes please.'

Kurogane took him through to the kitchen and Yuui sat down at the table with the bag he'd brought. As Kurogane switched the kettle on, he decided to ask what was in the bag.

'I suppose you could say it's my answer,' Yuui told him, pushing the bag towards him.

'A Valentines present?' Kurogane asked, wondering how an object could represent a yes or a no. In fact even a simple yes or no wouldn't make do here - the answer to the question had no words.

Yuui nodded, clasping his hands together on the table. 'Open it,' he said with a brief and troubled smile.

Kurogane picked up the bag suspiciously. It was a bit heavy. He reached inside and brought out a box that wasn't wrapped, wasn't labelled or decorated. Inside the paper box was a cake.

'I know you don't like sweet things but the chocolate's pretty strong. It's dark so it'll be more bitter and the icing is coffee flavoured,' Yuui pointed out, as if it were somehow faulted or about to be shunned aside.

'Thanks,' Kurogane said, finding words. 'I don't have anything…'

'That's alright,' Yuui said with a shining smile, happy to be accepted. 'I wasn't expecting anything back.'

Nearly wordlessly, mind fuzzing and screeching like a broken television, Kurogane made them both coffee and cut them both cake.

Going over desires and meanings and plans in their heads, they found themselves strangely devoid after nearly brimming over only days before.

'With my decision,' Yuui started, arranging his thoughts, 'I didn't know what to do or how to say it. And I thought this was the best way to put it.'

Kurogane cut the cake with his fork, moist, smooth and lovingly crafted – Yuui was a baker and not a cook. It wasn't a confectionary but it didn't completely suit Kurogane's tastes. That was only to be expected since he didn't like cakes. But then why did Yuui bake one if he'd known that?

Looking over to his quiet, angelic face, Kurogane decided that Yuui had chosen a gift he knew would be personal and knew he could achieve to the best of his abilities. It was a pity it clashed with Kurogane's taste. But that was the thing… in trying to compromise, in making it bitter, it tasted really good. There was a quality to it that made Kurogane feel something slightly astounding about Yuui: a personality clash smoothed over by an underlying connection.

Yuui smiled towards him, pleased that his efforts were being greeted positively.

When his piece of cake was finished, Kurogane stood up and said, 'Wait there.'

Before Yuui had a chance to protest, realising what he was about to do, he was heading upstairs.

Raking through drawers, scanning around the place with critical eyes, in the end he grabbed the first thing off a windowsill and placed it (slightly more heavily and loudly than intended) in front of Yuui.

'A bonsai?' Yuui said confusedly, looking down at it.

'You can have it,' Kurogane said without elaboration.

Yuui became a bit stuck for words, bemused at the strange gift, but said nothing to him. He could tell that there was no way of getting away with not receiving it as a present and it was obvious that Kurogane hadn't even considered its appropriateness. In that respect it should have seemed quite selfish and thoughtless, but Yuui realised that he was actually very happy with his gift.

'Thank you,' he said, placing it in the plastic bag and standing up.

'Are you leaving?' Kurogane asked, slightly disappointed despite himself.

'Yeah, I think I need to get back,' Yuui said, 'I've got a test tomorrow.'

Kurogane got up and opened the door for him, knowing full well that there was no test. Still he wasn't going to argue with Yuui. It seemed like he needed to leave.

'I never finished telling you about my decision, did I?' Yuui said as he was putting his coat on. Without waiting for an answer, he pressed his lips together for a moment, summoning the words. 'I feel…concerning us… I've always wanted to be something more or even something to begin with. It just feels really strange now that it looks possible.'

He paused, staring away. 'It seems almost wrong that it's so sudden and so easy. But that doesn't mean I've given up on wanting this.'

Kurogane looked at him without a strong expression. He'd already known.

Yuui smiled towards him beautifully. 'Goodbye.'

'Bye,' Kurogane said and shut the door as he left.

***

'That's a bit cheap,' Fai said, looking at the small plant. 'So he hadn't bought you anything?'

'No,' Yuui replied. 'Why would he? It was a surprise.'

Fai shook his head. 'Still just seems a bit … weird. Roses would be better, even cheap ones.'

Yuui smiled, a deep satisfaction lying within, staring at his new plant. 'Yeah but roses only last a few days.'

Fai bit his lip, wondering what more there may be to this that he couldn't see.

***

It was strange and empty for a few weeks. They could speak to each other now but nothing happened between them. Neither did they feel the impulse to make a move, to take a step forward. The only difference was that now they stayed together more often, becoming more comfortable in each other's presence. At that silent and lulled time they were both happy just for that simple thing - it gave them the freedom to get to know each other better, to be together more often and understand their own feelings. Nothing needed to happen or even come close to happening and they were more comfortable that way.

Kurogane now understood the meaning of the gift – it was alright if his own heart fluttered because Yuui's did too.

***

Kurogane's first kiss was not something to remember. It was with a girl at his nursery in Japan. She was the keener one and had pounced on him and he'd shoved her off and she fell and started crying. It was probably the first heart he had broken too.

His second kiss was slightly strange to him.

Yuui turned up at his door after school with another plastic bag. It was a weekday in the beginning of March – Kurogane's eighteenth birthday.

'Why couldn't you have just given it to me at school?' Kurogane asked him, staring down at the bag. 'And why's Fai not come with you?'

'He has orchestra today and I … didn't want it to break,' Yuui replied very cautiously. Kurogane could feel the rate at which Yuui's heart was beating right then by looking into his eyes, widened slightly in fear.

Once more, Kurogane held the door open wider and let him in.

'How long did it take Fai to find that?' he asked.

'Not too long really,' Yuui said, 'he knew you'd appreciate it … presuming you'd still be able to read it after so long.'

'I speak to my dad in Japanese so it's no problem,' he replied. He'd already started reading it. In fact, he'd already read that manga before in English. However it was refreshing to find a connection to the country he was never sure if he belonged to or had been separated from a long time ago.

They sat down in the living room. It was quiet.

Yuui picked the present out of the bag, rustling it furiously, as if taking a hammer to a mirror, shattering the tranquillity to the wind – a sin.

He held the wrapped package with uncertainty, his lips lying upon themselves loosely. Kurogane thought for a second that he was going to leave, he was staring at the present that long.

'Here,' he said, eventually, handing him the present.

Kurogane took it, feeling the weight and evaluating the emotional weight. Pretty heavy.

He ripped the paper off the box carelessly and then stopped.

'It's … a bit blatant, isn't it?' Yuui said. 'I'm sorry, I was trying to find something that would get the message across that you would like.'

'It's alright,' he said, opening the box and holding the bottle of aftershave.

Yuui smiled, eyes averted. 'It seemed like something a partner would do, that's all. A long-term one. Who didn't know what to get.'

'It's fine,' Kurogane assured him, not very positively. The gift itself was nice, it was just the thought … Yuui as something long-term, having something romantic…

He must have stared for too long. 'Is anything wrong?' Yuui asked.

'The present I gave you was shit, wasn't it?' Kurogane growled to himself, feeling almost guilty now he was comparing the two gifts.

'No, I don't think of it that way. It made me very happy,' Yuui said distantly.

'The free part you mean?' Kurogane said with a gritted edge.

'But it was difficult for you,' Yuui said then closed his eyes. When he opened them again he leaned forwards, very slowly to whisper something into Kurogane's ear.

Kurogane tried not to move away, tried to stay still despite desperately wanting to react strongly in one of two ways.

'It meant so much to me,' Yuui whispered into his ear. His breath ran through Kurogane, tickling his spine, causing every nerve to pulse. 'And I just wanted to tell you why. But I still don't know if I can. Only…'

He stopped and Kurogane wasn't sure how long it could go on for, Yuui holding himself so close, offering so much of himself. He wasn't sure what he wanted.

'… I don't know how you feel… I want to return the favour though,' he whispered, breath wavering and shaking. And then Kurogane felt Yuui's lips pressed against his ear, touching and blessing the side of his face. So light, it moved sweetly and slowly, lasting an infinite length of time and stirring up everything within him. His heart opened and he sank inside, feeling the warmth of his blood and emotions. With a simple touch something was felt and conveyed. Yuui leaned back, fluttering his eyes open, breathing in deeply.

Kurogane looked at him, still feeling the slight warmth, wet and pressure against the side of his face.

'I'm sorry if you didn't want that to happen,' Yuui said slowly with a shaking voice, blue eyes betraying a deep pool of emotion, raging in a storm, kicking silt to the surface. Things neither had ever seen before.

In that space of time, Kurogane's breathing had quickened, matching his racing pulse, things moving too fast for him to see or understand and without even realising he'd pulled Yuui's shoulders close and finally brought his lips to Yuui's, melting them together. Something they could both relate to. Touching fluidly.

Impulse winning over logic, Kurogane felt Yuui's arms lift, uncertain where to move before he draped one arm over Kurogane's shoulder and down his back, fine fingers brushing the base of his neck tentatively; in a delicate feather hold pushing himself forward into a deeper kiss.

These motions were surreal, unfamiliar. An intimate moment shared between the two of them, sewn together with thread and embedded in amber. Kurogane feels his mouth opening wider, taking in everything. Inviting. Hands clutch the small of Yuui's back, holding him tight, never to leave. He never wanted him to. Fingers brush through his soft hair. Pressed together, a flower, a bookmark, the second hand on the clock, nothing can disconnect them except air.

They pull away slightly, still held together, a physical heart unable to keep up with the metaphorical one, flying away, separated by an empty sky. They come from being able to understand anything in one another to nothing, not even how or why this happened, what it meant to them. Staring into each other, barely inches between, they both seemed frightened, hesitant. And both could feel the time ticking beneath their fingertips through to the others' skin, embarrassed by this new situation.

Counting the seconds, another feeling never faded, lying above the uncertainty underneath their skin. Over time Kurogane never ceased to be wonderful: beyond humanity, something that meant so much more to Yuui in his soft and fragile adolescence. Likewise Yuui remained as he had been when Kurogane had taken his shoulders, held him close. His golden hair glowed, framing the beautiful youth in his face. Like a flower that never withered or a picture that never faded, his eyes were a fairy-tale: a tragic tale of love whose depth was never drained. A crystalline blue never to be shattered.

Yuui's hands floated away from Kurogane's body and drifted towards his face, caressing it smoothly, the one less deterred by being confused, realising it didn't matter. Over all those seconds it had never mattered. He closed his eyes softly and took in a smooth, deep breath, completely in sync, before pressing his lips hard against Kurogane's, framing their union with his fingertips.

It happened all over again. A fragile, emotional pleasure held just within their mouths. A well they dug with their hands growing deeper and deeper as Kurogane wrapped his arms around Yuui's shoulder and clasped the base of his head with a caring hand. What they found there… to them it appeared filled with a liquid gold, shimmering in the darkness, realising they were both immersed perhaps in love or joy. And a certain passion, Kurogane noticed as he took a breath in, recognising awakening arousal as Yuui's legs shifted over his own. It pressed them tightly together in a clamp and he laughed as he felt Yuui's supple body draping itself across him, touching not only by fingers and lips although these things were all reunited soon enough with Yuui's smile shining nearly sensually before him, forgetting time. Soft and effortless, instinctive, sensing each other and taking them in, matching this physically. Kurogane's hand slipped down Yuui's back, slightly arched, a twitching beneath their fingers, moving them like puppets.

Keys rattled in the door.

It was perhaps the fastest either of them had moved, rewinding the tape and staring at each other from opposite ends of the sofa.

'Indian, Chinese, it's your pick tonight – you only turn 18 once,' a father said, appearing at the door and greeting Yuui.

'Fai's going to be here soon,' Yuui said. 'He's at the supermarket. Kurogane helped cook for us last time so we thought this was only fair. I hope you don't mind.' Yuui smiled quickly, timidly towards Kurogane, admitting that he had lied. For once Kurogane's senses were dulled to the fact.

'On the contrary…' Kurogane's father said, removing jackets. The shoes had been left at the door like a retained habit or culture.

Kurogane and Yuui found themselves looking towards each other strangely after he had left the room. Almost as if they were each wondering which existence was real.

'I baked another cake,' Yuui finally managed to say. 'I didn't know if you had one already or not.'

'Oh damn, I forgot the cake!' a voice came from the kitchen.

Aware of his breathing too obviously to be comfortable, Kurogane stared empty towards Yuui. Humourless. Comparing the tastes. Did he desire his cake or his mouth more?

Fai hadn't merely gone to the supermarket to buy food, he was certain of that.

***  
_Note: I forgot to say last time! All credit for the present ideas (apart from the bonsai and kisses) goes to L because I was just clueless. I went with whatever she said so thank you, L lol I'm always nervous before I post scenes like these – I just want them to sound right! I really like knowing where and how I've gone right as well so every comment is appreciated. I hope you're enjoying reading it too. Which is better summed as: please enjoy and review =)_


	17. Chapter 17

Weeks passed by and progression did not accelerate suddenly as it had on Kurogane's birthday. Rather it ebbed and dulled; a strange and unnatural feeling between two teenagers who supposed themselves 'sweethearts'. It was a thing they took a guilty pleasure in every now and again.

'Ah, my nose!' Yuui yelped not for the first time.

'What?' Kurogane snapped irritably, thinking he was being romantic.

'Nothing, just warn me if you're thinking of doing that again,' Yuui said with a sweet smile, hand pressed on his nose.

The point was he was pulling him in as a surprise, how's that going to work? Kurogane thought grouchily. Although he supposed it was perhaps a bit hard and sudden…

Yuui's ears pricked, hearing laughter down the road outside the flat. 'They're coming,' he said almost in a whisper, grinning secretively. He grabbed Kurogane's wrist and pulled him into the kitchen at the back of the flat. 'Let's try that again,' he said once they were there, standing on the tips of his toes, leaning in. He was still wearing that aftershave, he could smell it on him…

'How did you two move so fast?' Fai called from the front door, followed soon after by Hayley.

Unlinking himself from Kurogane's mouth, Yuui called back, 'Maybe you're too slow!' and grabbed a packet of crisps as a guise.

Not that this was common place. On the contrary, it was the first time they'd kissed in a few days. Neither had they been tempted to when the four of them were at the cinema that evening. It was something they'd felt on the way back, on the bus. A pang, a connection needing to be made.

Perhaps Fai knew but that was only fair since Yuui knew about his relationship too. The twins had found new secrets although this time they were kept sloppily hidden, obvious to the attentive. There was no point in hiding what they had - it had just become a habit, as if they were both retreating back into their own private boxes again. Their lives somehow being distinguished by their hobbies and their love-lives.

It wouldn't last much longer.

***

'I'm going back to Japan tomorrow,' Kurogane told him, sitting on the park bench, leaning forward, arms resting on his legs.

'Tomorrow?' Yuui repeated, shocked at the suddenness. 'For how long?'

Kurogane closed his eyes. 'I don't know. My mother's in hospital and I don't know if she'll be alright.'

'…I'm sorry,' Yuui said sympathetically as if that was the most tragic thing he'd heard. As if he weren't going through the same thing.

'Just to let you know I might be gone for a while,' Kurogane said, level headed and emotionless.

'You can call me and Fai whenever you want,' Yuui told him, finally finding words of comfort. 'And we'll…' He suddenly stopped, and looked away. '_I'll_ be there when you get back.' He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, driving away tears.

Kurogane felt he should say something but, searching, he found nothing.

'Does Fai know?' Yuui asked gently, distracting himself.

'No, I haven't told him yet,' Kurogane admitted, turning away.

Yuui raised his eyebrows, looking towards him.

***

He was gone for almost a month, cutting into exam leave. Continually passing the phone and directing distant glances out of the window and into the sky, Yuui never forgot to think after Kurogane. He was less occupied, wandered about the flat, mind loose. Waiting for the phone had given him a lot more time to think. Fai began to worry about him.

'He probably won't call, knowing him,' he said once as Yuui sat detached on a seat beside his bed, revision notes held limply in hand. Even the light drifted absently, the room seeming larger, deprived of weight.

'I want to wait for him though,' Yuui said faintly.

'Because that's what people do when they're in love, right?'

Yuui's gaze jumped to him, fixed, attentive.

Fai put on a melancholy smile. It was the best he could manage with Ashura's words spinning in his head. He'd asked himself the question … would Kurogane have done the same for Yuui?

No matter. He'd embed it into their minds, causing them to reflect upon their ties. Taking each other for granted was one thing Fai could not allow them to do.

'As long as you know that he can take care of himself. He likes space,' Fai warned.

'I know that, I never said I was going to do anything. I just want to be there like I'm here for you,' Yuui said, smiling and a silent spark of life igniting in his eyes.

Fai opened his mouth but shut it again quickly. He'd dropped the words and decided to change tact. 'I'm just worrying that you're wasting away thinking about him when there's nothing you can do. He'll be coming back. He wouldn't just leave like that.'

His brother stared at him strangely. Before sighing. He'd swallowed the words but Fai could still hear them: Kurogane wouldn't have left before bidding Fai farewell.

***

Kurogane knocked on the door, feeling as if he were in a foreign place.

The person who opened the door looked just as foreign, indeed, he seemed as if he were lost. He blinked up towards him. 'You're back…'

'Yeah,' Kurogane said, trying and failing to greet him after so long. 'Is Fai in too?'

Yuui bit his lip. 'No, but I was just going out to see him. You can come with me.' He then smiled warmly, deeply. 'Welcome back.'

***

'The hospital?' Kurogane repeated, shocked at how time had been yanked from his fingers and slashed.

'He's been there since the first week you were away. In and out quite a lot. He's been staying at home too and he's adamant that he's sitting his English and Music exams but… he's growing weaker… I was meaning to tell you much sooner but…You never called. I was waiting to tell you… and I wanted to know if you were alright.'

Kurogane maintained his gaze on the road, shifting gears. 'She's dead.'

Yuui was silent so he continued. 'She died last week. I went to her funeral and then came back.'

'I'm sorry,' Yuui said, a genuine depth of emotion trailing in his tone, fingers pressing his own hands, before turning and smiling lightly, hopefully. 'But I think she'd have been very happy that her son was there for her.'

Kurogane smiled faintly at those extra words.

***

'Come closer, my child,' Fai whispered hoarsely from his bed, arm outstretched.

'That's not funny,' Kurogane said bluntly at the door.

Fai laughed. 'And it's nice to see you back too.'

Kurogane nearly asked how he was, he looked so bright. Yuui slipped out of the room. Out of the way, he allowed Kurogane to repeat their conversation in a different way to a different person.

'How is she?' Fai asked.

'Dead,' Kurogane said, grabbing a chair and pulling it over. 'How have things been over here?'

The emotion died in Fai's voice. 'I'm sorry to hear that… Things could have been better here… I think we both lost someone close this month.' He gazed out the window with an uncharacteristically weak frown upon his face. Kurogane never questioned it.

When Fai turned back, sharp light drawing white lines over both him and bland hospital furniture, he was looking towards Kurogane almost challengingly. 'Since you're not going to ask I'll tell you that it's not long now.'

'Tch,' Kurogane nearly spat in disgust. 'You make it sound like a DVD coming out.'

Fai stretched his arms in his bed, ignoring that comment. 'You're in love with Yuui.'

Kurogane forgot to move for a second, halted, making his barked reply seem hesitant. 'Where did you get that idea from?!'

'I think…' Fai started, placing his hands on his lap, 'you just are.'

They sat in silence, Kurogane staring at him in disbelief before opening his mouth to make a remark.

'I'm not going to tease you,' Fai said, 'or rub it in or make a fuss. I've always had the feeling. But I need you to tell me that you'll take care of him.'

Kurogane froze, arms folded, realising he was being asked a dying wish.

Fai smiled as if he'd asked for ice cream. 'Please. He matters to you too.'

Eventually… Finally Kurogane gruffly nodded.

To make life easier. Or perhaps it was death this time.

***

'Ah … he meant Hayley,' Yuui said, holding his ice cream and looking very guilty about it, as if the two things were connected.

'What happened?' Kurogane asked quickly.

Yuui's face dimmed, tuned to mourning. 'She got hit by a bus … She knew Fai was in hospital and she'd been visiting every day but … that day her parents said that she'd grabbed her bag and ran out the door saying she needed to tell him something.'

'…Tell him what?' was all Kurogane could ask, stunned.

Yuui shrugged.

The sun beamed down on them weakly – a last warning before sunset.

'Fai says he knows what it is but I don't think he wants to tell,' Yuui said. He gazed up to the sound of some birdsong in the trees, holding his cone loosely. 'I think he should be taking it worse than he is. But he always felt guilty about what he may put her through after he died. It's a horrible thing to say but I think he's feeling slightly better about himself now that he doesn't have to worry about her. He'll miss her but I think he's positive that he'll see her again soon somehow. I suppose he's just consoling himself.'

Kurogane frowned, taken aback by the news. He'd never felt particularly close to her, never even liked her, but still, the loss left a gap. 'They were an item weren't they?'

'Sort of,' Yuui said without any strength, opinion or really anything else to add apart from a mournful gaze. He caught a strawberry favoured drip on his finger and licked it off.

It was then that Kurogane found himself staring at him, strolling aimlessly through the park where the three of them had first met, holding a coffee flavoured ice cream, selfish in his thoughts.

He tried to judge what he felt for Yuui and compare it to Fai's words and theories.

Being close to him. Is valued time. Yuui himself is a beautiful reality and his skin, that contact, is special. But Kurogane is unsure about the word love. Although there is definitely something there when he looks towards him.

Actually he feels multiple things.

He wondered if Fai loved Hayley.

Yuui clasps his hand around his cone insecurely. 'I'm not dying but I feel as if death is closing in on me somehow.'

'If you feel like that then it's going to get to you,' Kurogane stated, adamant to remain unaffected.

'But what can I do about it?' Yuui sighed.

Kurogane shrugged. 'I dunno. Try to be alive.'

He caught Yuui shooting him a look from the corners of his eyes. It seemed to imply that his piece of advice was useless.

'Well, you don't have any ideas either,' he grunted, quickly turning his head away.

He soon turned back to Yuui once he heard the silence and realised that there was no response. Yuui's eye-lids were half-shut and he ate his ice-cream with a contemplative look on his face. He was one of those people who licked the ice cream into a smooth ball on top of the cone. He was a person whose tongue was slightly pointed and had a defined tip. And the more Kurogane looked, the more he found himself distracted.

There was something between the two of them.

***  
_Note: I feel like a major bitch, I really do I was considering ditching that last bit but, ironically, that just makes it more tragic. Either way I'd feel terrible for her. It must have been swayed by the ideas of her saying she'd be there until the end but wasn't and that now Fai's adamant he'll be with her on the other side but ends up sounding delusional when he's usually the level-headed one. But then who's to say they won't see each other again? I'm not proud of this chapter but it's led me to question something at least. Also, I have no idea what she was going to say to Fai but I liked it that way. The obvious one is 'I love you' but if you saw them every day, you're not going to be in a rush then, are you?_

'_Ah my nose!' is an in-joke. I got told that in Brokeback Mountain, Heath Ledger nearly broke his nose doing a scene that called for passion. Since then it's become a joke Kurofye thing. 'Come closer' was another one, it was meant to merge with the whole ear kissing idea but er… wrong twin._

_Also if you live in the UK you may be interested in voting Fish and Chips as the next new Walker's crisp flavours suggested and chosen by the public … then again Cajun Squirrel also sounds tempting =P And they'll be developed by the chef Heston Blumenthal (I'm not interested in cuisine but I worship that man)_

_So please enjoy and review!_


	18. Chapter 18

_Note: I feel it's like my duty to warn you this is where it verges towards M again but once more it's not what you think…_

***

'Please,' Kurogane heard Yuui say softly, 'you didn't need to prove anything.'

Fai's reply was mumbled through the door, a soft voice becoming distorted.

'He's gone… You'd just have been proving something to yourself and you weren't thinking about the consequences. Fai, you didn't have to sit the exams. You couldn't have.'

At that point, Kurogane turned away, moved back down the corridor, not wanting to invade their privacy any further.

Eventually Yuui left, sighing, and smiled as he passed him, though it was faked, hastily drawn.

The hospital room free from visitors, Kurogane entered, facing Fai. He seemed thinner now. But hopefully it was an illusion.

'Did you hear us?' Fai asked curiously.

'Do you believe him?' Kurogane asked bluntly, arms folding.

'Mmm,' Fai went, staring at the floor as he thought. 'He's right… Even if they use past tests to give me a mark then I'd still get As or maybe a high B.'

'Congratulations,' Kurogane said and Fai smiled wryly.

'It's because I'm not weak,' he stated. 'I wanted to be strong as a person.'

'You're strong enough being here and being able to take everything so there's nothing you need to do. Just stop worrying that you are something that you're not,' Kurogane said plainly.

Fai smiled, this time a combination of shyness and happiness. 'Thank you.'

Yuui returned to the door, accompanied by his professional fake smile which never left his face as he bid his brother goodbye.

***

'Are you sure you don't mind?' Yuui had asked Kurogane. 'It must be a difficult time for you and your father.'

'If I'd minded I wouldn't have asked,' Kurogane pointed out bluntly, a slightly annoyed hint in his voice.

And now he regretted it. Asking Yuui to stay. He tossed in his bed. It seemed that he could never sleep when Yuui was staying.

What did he feel for Yuui if it wasn't love?

Every time he looked towards him, he felt like he was beholding something special but he had to look away. Holding him erupted shock waves from his skin: a phenomena no one else could induce. However this always left him guilty. And kissing him was a sublime dream – a silk sheet draped over naked flesh. He always felt tempted to rip it off.

He'd tried to express his confusion to his mother as he visited in her last days.

'Yes,' he'd said, feeling vulnerable speaking claustrophobic and xenophobic Japanese, 'there is someone special…'

She smiled up to him and Kurogane almost felt like leaving. He barely sees his mother but he was unsteady sitting beside her for so long as she lay in hospital. He also felt strange speaking Japanese outside of his home. Surrounded suddenly by kanji, many things made him feel like he wanted to escape. Nonetheless, he persevered.

'But I don't feel right about them,' he continued. 'I don't know if I should just leave it.'

His mother smiled up at him. 'It's difficult to be with people who we feel we can't be around. Many people marry thinking they're in love.' Suddenly she stops. 'Don't misunderstand me – I loved your father. But it was difficult being apart from him for so long. It was so natural for him to move away and explore… I wanted a family… Sometimes you need to accept your differences and move on to both be happy. And whether that means compromising in your relationship or separating and going in two different directions is your own decision.'

Kurogane stared blankly and changed the subject.

***  
The next day he decided to tell her.

'That special person I was telling you about yesterday,' he started, '… it's a guy.'

She smiled, graciously, pleasantly and reached up a hand to stroke his face. 'Darling, that uncertainty… you're just confused…' she said soothingly. 'These things shouldn't matter if you feel you love someone. If he matters to you then neither of you should let anything stand between you.'

Kurogane frowned as the hand stopped gently brushing the side of his face, a single finger trailing along his face in a gesture of love. 'It's weird. His twin is a good friend… and there's a feeling I can't shake about him.'

'Do you miss him?' his mother asks.

He thinks for a second. And eventually he nods.

'When you go home,' his mother says, smiling comfortingly, 'I want you to try to be around him as much as you can. And while you're with him ask yourself how much he means to you. And if you realise that he is special to you then you should never let him go. If things don't work out then that's how things were meant to be. But if you let him slip away from you now then you may regret it forever.'

'What if it turns out he means nothing to me?' Kurogane asked.

She looked away, dreamily. 'Even though I've been away from you for a very, very long time, I'm still your mother… I love you. And I can tell when my darling son loves someone else…'

At the time he could only stare at her, without words to procure or convey. The world slowly eased past the window, shooting colours and pictures through the glass, shining light in his eyes.

***

Maybe, thought Kurogane, lying in bed, maybe he's confused about Yuui. But that's not all.

He swings his feet out of bed again.

He slips through that doorway leading to that other room once more.

Yuui sleeps with his face half submerged in the pillow. His brow is creased slightly in a frown and Kurogane wonders what troubling things he's thinking of.

He sleeps on his stomach, covers draped over his back, showing his slightly curved spine. This sleeping position he'd adopted so suddenly… perhaps it was to subconsciously smother himself. Or keep himself hidden. Would that be from Fai or from me, Kurogane wondered.

He stayed there, leaning against the door frame and staring at Yuui. Time disappeared. Much like before – a beautiful dream. The light plays tricks and makes the boy before him shine. And when he shifts slightly, a leg moving down, head twisting slightly and his arm slipping, Kurogane stops. Heart in mouth, scared, he's simply staring, unable to move. And when all is calm, his pulse refuses to pace itself, it continues racing. In that way it terrifies him. It's needless, he thinks.

What does he feel for him?

…………

Yuui… is beautiful. Possibly deluded but now he wonders if that matters. It's over. And he can see who Yuui really is. An apology, his skin is blown away, a snake shedding its skin, a butterfly emerging. But that's not all.

It's true that he's attracted to Yuui. And it's probably true that he loves Yuui as well. Watching him, he begs time not to move, to remain as it is, sleeping. He has to behold and wants both of them to remain there. For as long as possible. A truly wonderful body breathes slowly in its sleep. Within it contains someone unique.

He takes a step forward. Considers taking a step back. He realises his mistake as the floor creaks beneath his bare feet.

Yuui's eyes flutter open.

They register the person in the doorway and he smiles, pushing himself up from the pillow. 'I can't sleep either, Kuro-chan,' he whispers secretively.

This time it isn't a dream.

Yuui's eyes open wide as he takes his shoulders. They close as Kurogane presses himself against him, kissing him hard. Understanding, he kicks off the sheet covering his legs during a reprise, arms clinging around Kurogane's neck, soft breath tingling, setting skin alight.

Pushing himself forward, taking a step, moving himself over – Kurogane feels his knees slipping and sinking into the mattress, one on either side of Yuui. Strange but not unpleasant. In a falling lift, thin, strong legs pressed against his own… Yuui unlinks his arms and falls back, head hitting the pillow, somehow seductive. Lying there, he stares at Kurogane as if spectating. His eyes glimmer in the dark as they catch rare light at three in the morning. And as Kurogane's hand follows his neck, moving instinctively, he gasps against his own will. Watching this hand, clueless to its own destination, brushing the side of his face, Kurogane felt Yuui shudder beneath him. Expressionless, slowly, without reason, Yuui took his hand as if it were a small and living creature and pressed it to his lips. Kurogane observed, a waterfall rising upwards within him, splashing against his chest. It rose to his throat, seizing his chest, as Yuui brought his tongue to his fingers, eyes half-lidded.

Kurogane's hand rises from his grasp and finds its place flat-palmed beside Yuui's head. Kurogane's arms come down on either side of him so that he comes forward and is kneeling directly above.

So close he can feel both their pulses increase.

Yuui's mouth twists into a playful smile. Both personal and whimsical.

He reaches up, trailing his fingers along the back of Kurogane's neck and, without trying to pull him in, Kurogane falls into him of his own accord, lips merging, flesh uncomfortably close. Excited to be there, a foreign country. Yuui drags his fingers along Kurogane's spine.

Finally, taking the plunge, Kurogane lifts his mouth and presses it against Yuui's neck. It's as soft as a dream, yields to his lips, to his tongue and there is something unbearably pure in such a pale, smooth neck. At the same time it is not innocent. The shape, the feel, the bones and blood coursing beneath… as Yuui sighs and shifts under him, skin and shirts rubbing against each other, he feels overwhelmed by the sensuality of simple things. Something rising within him.

Pushing, shifting until Kurogane was lying on his back, Yuui gracefully draped over him, legs crawling over the other pair and fingers and lips pressed, caressing his chest. A warm metal casing, he experiences the taste of sweat and trembles, coming together and falling apart. Kurogane holds him, a nimble body, feeling tighter, breathing becoming rapider, growing, rising. Their movements become bolder. Subconscious, they can't even remember. The feeling is spread throughout several minutes. An ecstatic disbelief. Both right and horribly wrong. They grow more confident over time. Must be ease. With each other. With their bodies and flesh. Fingers coming closer to waist-bands, gaining courage, motions gaining strength.

Kurogane finds himself with his arms wrapped around Yuui in an embrace having slipped his shirt over his head. Using tongues, kissing deeply and feeling each other's breathing through their chests….

Slowly a thread frays and unravels.

Yuui's head comes to rest on Kurogane's shoulder, hands placed on his arms. And abruptly, Kurogane feels he can't move. He has Yuui under his fingers but has no desire to move them any further.

'Neither of us can do this, can we?' Yuui whispered into his ear.

Stopped, shocked, still breathing deeply, hot, he realises… Yuui's eyelashes brushing against his skin. Without understanding, he couldn't continue…

'I'm sorry,' Yuui said. 'I was expecting this … We both have different reasons but neither of us are ready… I could tell.'

Kurogane shook his head, mind floating outside his head. He'd built up this strength, come so far … and half way through, already firm, still holding Yuui against him…

That's how he realised that he was crying.

'I'm sorry. I can't do this…' he sobbed into Kurogane's shoulder.

Kurogane couldn't think of anything to do apart from hold him tight. He was speechless, still confused by the outcome. He couldn't figure out why…

'I need to tell you something,' Yuui said shakily into him.

'Right now?' Kurogane asked.

'Yes,' Yuui said, closing his eyes.

Kurogane lifted them both up, pulled them out of bed and took Yuui downstairs by the wrist, conscious of his father sleeping nearby. He took deep and controlled breaths to abate the wealth of feelings, calm his coursing blood. Sitting down on the sofa, he asked if he wanted something to drink. They both agreed on coffee despite the caffeine. In the skimmed recesses of their minds they'd realised neither of them were going back to sleep anytime soon.

Kurogane looked down on him. Yuui, sitting on the sofa, cup of coffee clasped in hands. Weak and defiant. Kurogane's expression beckoned him to begin.

'It's about Fai's English teacher,' Yuui started.

'What about him?' asked Kurogane, confused, head still spinning, heart still beating furiously. 'He was that one who left, right? You were at his flat.'

Yuui's lips pressed themselves into a twisted smile, wishing Kurogane hadn't brought the recent past to mind. 'When I was 13 he raped me. And since then I've been having some kind of affair with him. That ended the day you met me in the park.'

That was it. He didn't elaborate or explain, just sat waiting for a reply.

He gave Kurogane a second to arrange himself, to decide on his thoughts.

For a while Kurogane just stared at him… Yuui almost felt like a piece of meat being judged. He frowned. He'd known that what he'd done was wrong, but he'd hoped that Kurogane would be able to see past that and understand. He'd needed to tell him this…

However Kurogane did more than understand… he could see what Yuui had truly intended to do. Something Yuui himself never realised.

'You slept with him?' he asked, clarifying, suddenly feeling sick. It had come from nowhere, this churning in his stomach. Opening his eyes and realising this pure dove was smothered in dirt. His hands were filthy.

Yuui looked to the side. 'I never saw it that way. I allowed him to have his way with me really. That was it.'

'That was _it_?!' Kurogane couldn't help but exclaim.

Yuui stared up towards him steadily.

'I realised that it was wrong and put an end to it … will you be able to forgive me?' Yuui asked, worry and doubt spinning inside him.

Kurogane merely grunted. 'It doesn't change anything involving me,' he said.

He was wrong.

Yuui blinked uncertainly. 'Are you sure you're alright with that?'

Kurogane's expression twitched for a second. 'Well it's late … you'll need to give me time to think it over. But it doesn't change the kind of person you are.'

'Thank you,' Yuui said genuinely. A true expression of gratitude.

Kurogane took their mugs, poured the remains of the brown liquid down the sink and went upstairs wordlessly with Yuui, each splitting off to their individual rooms again.

As he lay down into bed he felt strange though. It had taken less than an hour and already Yuui had become a different person to him. In trying to search for answers he had returned bearing heavy and concerning questions.

Only now that he had time to think, eyes closed, was he realising the sick reality that Yuui had had forced upon him and had accepted wholeheartedly. The thought grated against him, making him feel ill. It was the ultimate form of self harm, he thought. Now … now he could understand something else about Yuui… the reason why his mind seemed so lost sometimes, disconnected, why he was so willing and then so terrified of intimacy. It didn't answer the question of why Kurogane had been the same as they lay in bed together… why he felt as if it were physically impossible to sleep with Yuui no matter how much he desired it.

He'd been through no horrific experiences. Yuui had seen so much but he was the opposite – it hurt his pride to admit but he was a virgin. He'd never had any girlfriends or anyone particularly special or desirable until Yuui.

He lay there wondering. It must be Yuui himself. Something wrong with him; something wrong he'd always felt but had never been able to define.

There's something about him that I doubt, he thought… some sort of desperation that he hides and it's grinding on my nerves. But I can't see it and that makes it impossible to confront.

***

Crawling back into bed, covering himself with the crumpled sheets… Yuui started to cry silently in exasperation.

***  
_Note: Teenage hormones, eh? I can't help but feel Kurogane's reaction is a little strange but then it seems in character from my perspective._

_Tonight is Burns' Night in Scotland and not only that but Homecoming year… whatever that is… All I know is that it's been 250 years since the birth of Scots poet Robert Burns (Auld Lang Syne anyone?) which we celebrate by reading his poetry (well you're meant to) and eating haggis, neeps and tatties (Translation: haggis with mashed turnips (Swedes if you're in England) and potatoes)._

_Please Enjoy and Review…and wish me luck in my Chemistry exam tomorrow =)_


	19. Chapter 19

_Note: This chapter is a bit of an odd one. And I'm so so so nervous about it but L managed to convince me not to change it. Well the joke line was her fault so I hope she's happy =) you'll recognise it, it's probably the most risqué. Oh and this one's M at heart and still not _exactly _what you're thinking…_

***

June passed glancing over its shoulder. The air hung melancholy, seeing what had passed and what was to come. The exams were over now, releasing Yuui from ties and lifting his head from the books. With no distractions, he was forced to face death straight. And probably confront love too, he thought fearfully, fingers skimming over the laptop.

He was the only one of the three who had sat his papers, the other two having both been in hospitals; one as a visitor and one as a patient; one on the other side of the town and one on the other side of the world. Yuui's distance was never registered, his life in limbo never recorded as a factor. Although, backwards, he'd spent even more time revising due to Fai's illness. It had become a useful distraction from the truth and, immersing himself in chemical knowledge and theory, he spent a month in denial.

Smiling over to his brother lying in his bed, he pressed play. The speakers crackled and hissed and then, beneath the dirty noise a girl's laughter could be heard joined shortly by a boy talking. After which bows were put to strings, a lovely and plaintive sound singing sweetly from the computer.

Fai smiled meekly. This was one of the things that had been in Hayley's bag as she had run out the door – a USB stick containing mobile recordings of her and Fai practicing in the music rooms at school. Her parents had allowed Fai to have it since it was obvious that it was intended to be a gift. Yuui had found it a very kind thought ever since it was first played - Fai's strength was slowly ebbing away and by this time he was unable to properly hold his violin. His inability to play was frustrating him. Even now, he was holding the body of his violin, fretting without playing. Yuui watched him, soaking in his image, reminded painfully of how little time this would last. The strength of his fingers against the neck, bent over into a shape natural only to a violinist, he vibrated the strings, perfectly, equally. It created no sound itself but the faded ghost of the original performance shouldered against the mock performance, sounding out weakly through poor-quality speakers.

Yuui sighed to himself.

'About Kurogane…' Fai eventually said, strange in a wordless environment.

'Yeah?' Yuui prompted gently.

'You want to get together with him but you never do and I can't understand it. You both seem so lonely but you won't accept each other's company,' he protested.

Yuui stared towards him, slightly shocked and uncomfortable. Then turning away embarrassedly. 'I just feel that he's not that interested or doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do about him…although…'

'What?' Fai asked curiously.

Yuui broke into a smile, elbows placed on the desk and head propped on rolled fists. 'He can never know that I told you about this…' he said dreamily, distantly.

Fai grinned childishly, hope washing over him. 'Why? Is it a secret?'

Yuui smiled back. 'Probably not but it's not exactly something that I can spread.' He turned away again, staring through the wall, a content and beautiful smile alighting his face, wonderful and precious memories bathing his mind. 'When I was at his house a few days ago we nearly made love…'

Fai blinked, surprised. 'What stopped you?' he asked, trying not to press.

A chill overcame Yuui's expression and he frowned slightly. 'Nothing specific just… we both wanted each other so much but neither of us was prepared…'

Fai frowned, staring at his brother critically now. 'Was it Mr. Scott?'

'Probably… on my part at least,' Yuui answered painfully.

He closed his eyes, a dank and cold regret passing through inside him, making him shiver. Neither had mentioned him until now. Both Hayley and Ashura had gone unspoken of. Each had their own profound reason for silence though. This small conversation was a residue of a past they had forced themselves to leave.

Yuui was someone who Ashura, Kurogane… even Fai was obsessed with. The man's desire to own Yuui and become a part of him had led to something dangerous. He had become dependant on Yuui as a physical aspect in a distorted mental frame, a fragile human relationship, feeding from the nectar of Yuui's youth and innocence. As a result both their bodies and minds were ripped to tattered rags, shreds of the gleaming pearls that had previously nestled into their existence. And from time to time, years later, Yuui would wonder whether Ashura had continued with his ways or if his mind had simply slipped away as he had lain beneath him.

Fai glances to the side, almost ashamed for bringing it up. 'I couldn't blame you … I'd just hate it if he got in the way of your happiness.'

Yuui bit his lip and shook his head. 'I swear it was the scarring but I can't understand why. It's not as if it's difficult to accept or realise… I suppose it's something I just feel awkward about. But I'm determined to get over that,' he turned to Fai and smiled genuinely, looking towards the bright future, 'for Kurogane.'

Fai smiled back. 'I think you shouldn't be so shy around him. He'll still accept you if you're more forward.'

Yuui blushed slightly. The 'couple' had been through a lot together already. It seemed a bit ridiculous that they hadn't covered the basic first steps and had been brushing their feet against the top step in the meantime.

'Yuui, tell him you love him,' Fai guided more than suggested, a sweet and loving smile dancing on his lips. He sat perfectly still. Stared calmly, affectionately.

His brother stared back, hesitant. And then smiled gratefully, accepting his advice, taking it in and enclosing it – a special envelope to be opened later. 'Thank you.'

The speakers emitted some muffled comments, rustling, air whistling past and a large and intrusive blank pause as Hayley turned off the recorder.

***

'Fai wanted to be alone today,' Yuui explained to Kurogane, appearing at his door.

'Why?' Kurogane asked, slightly put off by Yuui's unexpected arrival.

'I don't know, he just said so,' Yuui shrugged. 'But I had an idea.'

'Alright?' Kurogane said, listening, brow furrowed. He'd realised Fai's reasoning even if Yuui hadn't.

'You have a video camera, don't you?' Yuui asked. 'Fai's not as strong as he used to be… I feel we've missed on an opportunity. So I was going to tape us in the places that matter to him. It's to put in that red box. Are you doing anything today?'

'Not really,' Kurogane grunted, judging the idea. 'Alright, let me find it.'

'Thanks,' Yuui said beaming at him gratefully.

***

'_This is the park we used to play in as kids,' Yuui announced to the camera, grinning, stepping through wood chips on a damp day, 'where we met Kurogane.'_

'_Yeah I remember, you accosted me,' Kurogane said, holding the camera._

_Yuui frowned lightly, playfully. 'And aren't you glad I did?'_

'_Yeah yeah,' Kurogane muttered. 'I met you again a few years ago here, didn't I?'_

'_Yep,' Yuui replied smiling, grabbing his cameraman's wrist and dragging him up the hill to a spot. 'That was here!'_

***

Back at Kurogane's house they discussed their efforts over coffee.

'It feels weird. Like we're going to be leaving it all behind,' Kurogane noted with a frown.

Yuui sighed. 'We didn't manage to find as many places as I'd hoped…'

Kurogane nodded. 'So are you staying here for a while before you go home?'

'Yeah,' Yuui replied. 'Fai said he wanted to be alone so I don't want to go home until later and we've already been everywhere.' He shrugged.

***

'_Here's the school… Okay they're not very happy memories but they're alright ones maybe,' Yuui stated, feeling stupid standing in front of their school speaking on a Saturday afternoon. 'Can you say anything, Kurogane?'_

'_I dunno. We all saw a lot of each other here,' the grouch working the camera suggested._

'_Yeah... I don't know why we stopped here… it was on the way and it seemed kind of important. I can't think of anything to say…'_

'_Want to swap?' Kurogane asked._

'_Alright.'_

_After much fiddling and views of the pavement, Kurogane appears._

'_I've moved a lot and I've been to a couple of different schools but I'd have said this one was the least shit. I made more friends at least and I got better marks … there, you wanted something positive and you got it.'_

***

'You know most of those places had more of a meaning to us than to him,' Kurogane pointed out.

'We did our best though. I don't think there was anywhere else that he would consider to be happy,' Yuui noted sadly.

A pause ensued… and then Kurogane suddenly burst out with, 'Are we going out?'

Yuui blinked, puzzled. 'What?'

'Would you have said that we were together?' Kurogane forced out, regretting ever having said anything.

Yuui shook his head. 'Not in that sense but…' He glanced upwards shyly. 'Why? ... Would you want to go out?'

Kurogane couldn't reply, looking down and avoiding Yuui's eyes. 'I don't know, I just think…'

'Think what?' Yuui replied hesitantly.

Kurogane placed his mug down on the table gruffly and stood up.

***

'_Here's the library,' Yuui stated, standing in front of a modernised old building. 'Remember you always used to spend so long in here as a kid. You'd come here when I went swimming and just sit and read solidly for up to two hours.'_

_He gazed behind him._

'_You've always really loved books. I think it was that idea of being in another world. You were always a bit of an escapist. When you were little you'd talk about characters as if they were real.'_

_A red Renault whizzed past in the background, drowning him out for a fraction of a second._

'_It was natural I guess for you to be so good at English. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if you were writing something. We should try to look for it. Might be stuffed under your bed or the sofa. But we'll find it, publish it and get rich, won't we, Kurogane?'_

'_Yeah,' the cameraman muttered non-committedly. _

***

Neither kept track of the time as they embraced, locking lips.

It was something meaningful to them. As if they had little to search for, comfortable simply being together.

Although they sensed something. They felt it dubiously. But still they carried on breathing each other in, fingers pressed into skin.

***

'_This is probably more of a special place for me than you but you used to come here a lot for me and that meant a lot to me…' Yuui started, standing outside the swimming pool. 'You always had your music but you always supported me as well. And I'd like to thank you for it.'_

'_How are we getting this to him again?' a voice asked._

'_Er… how's it recording?' Yuui asked, walking over._

'_On to a DVD.'_

'_Ok, that's alright … we have a player for that,' Yuui said. 'Was there anything on the DVD before we started filming?'_

'_I don't know, I just took the camera.'_

'… _Is it recording?'_

'_Yeah, I just don't know if there was anything else on it.'_

'_Er… alright …' Hands stuffed in pockets, Yuui turned back to the building, the prospect of swimming looking unappetising in the wet weather. 'But it's the thought that counts, right, Fai?'_

_***_

Kurogane pulls away, holding Yuui's shoulders.

'I need to know something,' he said.

'What do you want me to tell you?' Yuui asked in response, willing to go any distance.

'You can't just give me the answer,' Kurogane informed him, pulling him close again. 'But it's something I need to find an answer to and it's been bugging me.'

'How can I give you an answer?' Yuui whispered into his shoulder.

Kurogane took his wrist and pulled him upwards, feet pounding on the stairs. A door closing shut.

***

'_I can remember coming here to see you play some concerts as a kid with the school,' Yuui said, standing in front of the town hall. 'I know music really mattered to you and it still does. I think it's great that you became so fantastic at violin so quickly just by having the ambition. I really admire you for that…Any contributions, Kurogane?'_

'_I thought you summed it up pretty well.'_

'… _There are too many pigeons about here. It must be really weird if you have a bird phobia.' Kurogane was unsure whether he was speaking to him, the camera or no one in particular._

'_Where to next?' he asked_

***

'What I need to know is if I can be with you,' Kurogane told him, straight out.

Yuui blinked towards him, sad within at the doubt, the possibility of them being apart, but smiling delicately. 'I still don't know if I'm ready for it… it's only been a few days.'

'Just tell me when you want to stop,' Kurogane said, pulling off his shirt and guiding Yuui towards his bed then pulling him towards him…

***

'_This is the bench we meet at and hang about around and things,' Yuui says, sitting down and the cameraman comes down to sit beside him. He smiles and laughs. 'No, don't focus on me, it's about the bench!'_

'_You said it yourself. It's not the bench - it's what happened about the bench.'_

_Yuui smiles towards Kurogane almost adoringly. Then turns back to the lens._

'_Yeah we've had some fun times here. Like when we had fish and chips on Bonfire Night! Remember that, Kurogane?'_

'_Yeah we shared it between us,' Kurogane said, slightly less grumpy than expected._

'_Hhmmm… wonder how wet we're getting…' Yuui wondered, feeling the damp patches on the bench._

_***_

Although the lighting spark had been very rational, slightly clinical, not divinely inspired, the mood quickly became deeper, worth more. Forgetting situations, hardships and destinations, they slipped together, holding and being held, felt. The intimacy felt warm and more mature, less hesitant compared to the time before. Their relationship ripened, choosing to harvest at the correct time. Neither was sure if this was it. Still it prevented neither from trying.

Giddy, Yuui feels a wonderful ache, an assault. He wants to be together with Kurogane this way. Naked flesh. The touch is natural to him. And for the first time undressed he feels beautiful instead of filthy.

Kurogane desired him. The taste of his skin. The way he'd shift oh so slightly. Twining legs, he felt closer to the answer he'd been searching. His fragility flown, sprouting wings and fleeing, leaving behind soft and open delicacy and a powerful, defiantly sultry smile. He worked to procure it. The sharp rasping of Yuui's breath by his ear… it all came together. He could physically enjoy Yuui… this was the first step.

Who they are, who they were clicked into place, slotted together emotionally. Physically was a different matter. The second step… is it love? Yuui's lips and tongue wet against him, he feels a bridge being built. A connection. As he runs his fingers through Yuui's hair, down his back, a spark within. He jolts, feeling something unnatural coursing through his veins.

Trembling, panting, held by the hips, Yuui gasps as he sees Kurogane differently, a new sight. He can't… remove every article but …

***

'_It's hard!' Yuui spluttered, laughing. 'They're really hard.'_

'…_Is that on?' Kurogane asked._

'_Oh … must have pressed a button,' Yuui said faintly, turning the camera around, trying to find the power button. Their feet came to view, paired as they sat on the bench with the wet paving slabs beneath them._

'_So you've never had those before?' Kurogane asked, making general conversation._

'_No, I've never seen them around. Is that a mix bag?'_

'_Yeah, there's Fruit Pastilles in there too.'_

'_Ow my teeth…'_

_The video clicked off._

_***_

Holding Yuui, Kurogane feels him change in that slight second, a crawling beneath his skin. Something darker overcame him, he'd paused unsure as to how to react. He'd lifted Kurogane's hands from the area of his boxers, a blank look on his face and held them tightly, staring apologetically. Before kissing him gently.

He had felt it. A hole within Yuui. A cavern unable to be filled and an empty space, a hole in his heart. Pierced, Yuui was injured. But it was easy for Kurogane to become distracted from this fact as Yuui ran through him, testing, exploring concepts in his guilt, in his brittle mind and fear.

They sank into a recess.

This boy was inhuman yet Kurogane desired him, feeling him at surface level devouring him. His lips felt wonderful. His tongue dancing, hot, pulsing skin searing the flesh underneath and Kurogane was seized.

Yuui was bold, controlling for once, with a wave of excitement and potential. He paused. So young yet knowing what to do, where to go.

Everything rushed forward. Hard and soft, Yuui's fingers ran, blood boiling, pouring through them, pushing, gulping. Peaks on a graph, mountains, skyscrapers scratching, tearing an ability to control, matter oozing through, Kurogane allows his mind to leave, allows something washing over him, rising. He's not weak – for once he's glad to be overcome.

Yuui's mouth comes close to Kurogane's ear, caressing it in a soft kiss. The rest of him is busy elsewhere, limbs easing, and hands touching, skimming, holding… He exhales a hot, wet breath, two hearts beating furiously, whispering. A shudder down Kurogane's body, overpowered by lust. A pleasant tremor, it matches the sparks racing through his body. 'I've never had this before either… and it's so hard… they're really hard,' Yuui breathed in a mixture of a sigh and a groan. Kurogane could only splutter a laugh, grinning stupidly and Yuui smiled back, softly, seductively, coming closer and kissing him wetly, passionately. Knee slinking up and resting on his chest.

Head first. Yuui's fingertips tracing gently. A pattern. He closes his eyes. Grips Yuui's goddamn wonderful body tightly. Captured, a dam, water rising, bursting forth.

Hands drift. Lips shift slowly. Lungs strain to cope.

***

'_And finally Kurogane's house … because we couldn't think of anything else,' Yuui said standing in the garden looking guilty._

_He sighed, shuffling his feet on the grass. 'There haven't been many places to go and nothing to say. It's all been pretty everyday stuff. But then I guess they're what matters. And we've had an alright day out. Running about town with a video camera… I hope it wasn't too boring… Kurogane, do you want to say something quickly?' he said, moving forward and taking the camera, turning it on Kurogane._

_He gave a pained sigh, looking about uncomfortable. 'I hope you enjoy the effort we've gone to with this, that's all I can say.'_

'_Alright … then we've run out of words,' Yuui said pleasantly. A hand waved in front of the lens. 'Bye, Fai!'_

***

Lying there together. Neither of them too sure what had just happened.

Kurogane's father may be home any minute but neither of them make to move or get dressed. They simply lie there quietly soaking in the light and darkness within.

Yuui stares distantly as he breathes softly, deep in thought, on Kurogane's chest. Kurogane clutches him, feeling that same hollow now, no distractions, breathing deeply to rid himself of all the things that had just happened between them. As much as he wants to remain there holding Yuui close to him, he can't shake that terrible feeling…

Yuui blinks, fingers fiddling with the top of his underwear, still on. Kurogane watches him, toying with lost opportunities. In the end, he raises his hand to place it on Kurogane's chest once more, coated lightly in sweat, burying his head in.

In a way Kurogane is disgusted. At the same time he is enamoured.

He gets up wordlessly, throws on some clothes and leaves the room. Turning back, he looks towards Yuui who's lying on the bed, motionless, staring silently. There's something strong in his expression but all the same it's pitiful and confused.

'Did you find your answer?' he asks in a whisper.

'Pretty much,' Kurogane replied vaguely and left the room, needing new air, needing to escape the feeling of emptiness within Yuui.

He was so scared it would consume him too.

***

As he left, neither of them sure where he was going. A strange taste in his mouth, Yuui found himself peeling off his underwear… sheerly due to the weight he felt they created. Placing them aside, a mess inside, he sits on Kurogane's bed running his fingers over the scars on the top of his thighs. Like carved hieroglyphs, he couldn't understand them, couldn't fathom what they meant. But they'd lost him something. Needing to reveal himself physically to Kurogane, he hadn't been able to show himself emotionally yet. He emitted a heavy sigh containing deep woes and reached down to pick up the camera from the floor.

***

'_Fai,' Yuui whispered into the camera, holding it out, pointing it towards himself. The room is dark, there is barely any light but the bed could still be seen, the ruffled, discarded sheet. 'I'm sorry I couldn't say this earlier, I wanted to be alone.'_

_He smirks, looking about his body, appearing only from the waist upwards but naked, owning a body very similar to Fai's. Identical if not for Yuui's stronger arms and torso and Fai's resilient neck. 'It's not exactly what it looks like and I'm regretting not filming this message in a slightly more dignified way.' He laughs._

'_I still couldn't do it.' Smiles. 'Not properly. Not physical, proper sex. But I will. Because you're right, I do love him. And … I'm videoing this alone because I need to tell you that I love you too.'_

_He bites his lip, searching for words and starts again. 'You've always told me that we're individuals but I've never believed that … No matter what you're a part of me. And I don't know what I'm going to do when you're gone… I really don't……… Nothing can replace you Fai, nothing.' A tear trickles from his eye. 'And … I'll try to be happy. For you. That's what you wanted all along, isn't it? Not a brother that's whole or a brother who will understand everything about you, who you'll never be scared to tell your secrets to.' He stops, in tears. 'You wanted me to be happy. So… I hope you'll be alright … and we'll always love you and remember you in our own ways…………' He couldn't continue, sobbing heavily. He laid the camera down and could be heard crying in the background eventually resigning himself to dressing half-heartedly as tears ran richly from his eyes. He only turned it off when Kurogane had come back into the room and held him close without asking what was wrong._

***

A tear slipped out of Fai's eye and he smiled. Watching at two in the morning as Yuui slept, he turned the TV off, curled up on the sofa, dripping tears of joy. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.

***  
_Note: We were coming home on a bus sharing a bag of mix sweets and L bit into one and cried, 'They're reeaaally heard!' And then gasped. 'You need to include that!' Me: Gyah!!! *knows she can't resist a silly challenge* It was meant to be just silly but … hmm. Well I have my reasons. It shows how young they are… *cough* Comments are incredibly welcome. She also named this as her favourite. The bit at the end made her cry =O I felt so bad!  
Well wish me luck in my two Maths exams over the next two days!  
Please Enjoy and Review!_


	20. Chapter 20

For a while Kurogane lay about the house, thinking. He'd asked for an answer and had been given a puzzle, a tangled mess. Carefully, he picked strings and folded edges, only to find his efforts went wasted. If anything everything was in more of a mess than if he'd left it alone. He rose violently, pacing about the silent house. He almost regretted letting Yuui walk home alone. But at the time he'd felt uncomfortable around him. It was a silly thing considering what had just happened between them - he should feel closer to him than ever before. It frustrated him that he wasn't. And that he couldn't figure out why.

On one hand he felt strongly for the delicate blonde youth. What they'd done just before… he'd never seen anyone and felt such a desire or even felt so passionately about anything. And he couldn't imagine anyone else being in Yuui's position and still feeling alright, overwhelmed even. Held together… no, no one else could do it.

And yet there was something very wrong about it. The feeling that this person he felt himself clinging to was only part human. He knew it – somewhere and somehow part of Yuui had disappeared as they lay together and that part had only slotted back into place once he was about to leave.

Not understanding this… made Kurogane feel uneasy.

Not only that. As time passed he slowly began to realise what he'd just done… or more accurately what Yuui had done to him. And who Yuui was…

Yuui was a broken soul, smashed to pieces in a car crash and rubbed to dust by sex with an older man. That was another thing Kurogane couldn't understand. He was obliged to accept what had happened because it was in the past. No point in worrying over what's already passed, right? But the fact that Yuui had wanted to harm himself like that and hadn't even realised he was doing it… it made him feel as if his guts were caught on a hook. Yuui was only barely there. Like he'd been lost and never returned to his body, only part of it was there watching over it, making sure everything was ticking, cogs turning.

Even worse, he realised that small section of Yuui had latched on to him like an anchor. As if he somehow hoped to become real again one day.

Kurogane closed his eyes. He ignored the fact that Yuui was male, that he felt awkward around him because, as far as he was concerned, he shouldn't be attracted to men - Yuui was the only one. This decision was difficult enough without that factor. Because as much as he despised and feared that empty shell of a body, he felt that Yuui, the human part, was achingly beautiful.

He frowned, growing increasingly agitated, frustrated and anxious as he wondered which one he had held to him in his bed.

***

The phone call came a few days later at around nine in the morning. His dad was gone and he answered it without even thinking.

'Kurogane…' sobbed Yuui's voice. 'I…' Tears, pouring from the other end of the line, he could barely speak. 'I… didn't know who else…to call…'

He'd realised the instant he'd heard Yuui's voice. A stone dropped somewhere, clattering and breaking against a hard floor. 'I'll be right over,' he said and hung up, grabbing his coat.

***

Yuui opened the door in floods of tears, eyes burning red and shot back inside, leaving Kurogane to shut the door behind him. As he did so the silence, the taste of morbid sorrow, took him aback. He marched through the thick atmosphere, sitting down next to a completely devoid Yuui, perched upon the edge of the sofa.

Patiently, he waited for the poor twin to speak.

'It took me a while to realise,' Yuui started, 'that he was never going to wake up…' The tears came loose again and Kurogane could do nothing, merely wrap a hesitant arm around those heaving shoulders and pull him close. Yuui made a plaintive sobbing noise and continued. 'He's still through there… sleeping.'

Kurogane's heart seemed to freeze over for a small second, a cold fear seeping through him. An irrational one.

'Please don't think this sounds stupid but… I didn't want to call the hospital before someone was here with me,' Yuui whispered. 'Like… the second I put the phone down nothing will be there anymore… I won't be there anymore. I was terrified… I don't want to disappear as well.'

Kurogane nodded, stroked his soft hair gently. He didn't understand but he wanted this all to be over as quickly as possible.

Yuui sheds a few remaining tears, scraping them from his eyes. Slowly he stands up, an achievement, unsupported. Alone, he walks towards the phone. Fingers hover over the keypad… Finally he dials.

Kurogane remained in the living-room, staring at the ceiling. He closed his eyes. That was it. Fai was dead.

On the phone. Yuui wasn't certain when but he'd died quietly, peacefully, without making a fuss or a commotion. Just how he'd lived really – it was entirely suitable.

'What a fucking mess,' Kurogane muttered without knowing who or what he was referring to… They'd been given so much time but the reality was difficult to accept. That definition between seconds – there must have been a point on the clock where the second hand lay and before it Fai was there and after it Fai was gone.

Kurogane would never see his friend again.

Neither would he cry though, he'd accepted the inevitability a long time ago… it was just the strange feeling that he couldn't shake, that he hadn't said a proper goodbye and now his chance had been lost completely. Wasted.

When Yuui put the phone down in the hall, first he started trembling. Then he broke down.

Kurogane got up and went through, an instinct, embracing the figure sinking down the wall beyond tears. He didn't even feel Kurogane. He could only see everything around him breaking, disappearing.

Holding this shaking body, devoid of an owner, Kurogane can barely sympathise. The tears rushing from Yuui's eyes weren't only from grief – more likely it was shock. To open the door and discover that the person you had been with even before birth was dead… that you were now all alone in the world. Kurogane couldn't even begin to comprehend and didn't want to. Both of them had realised months ago and Kurogane had prepared weeks ago but he supposed that it was impossible for Yuui to have been ready for the moment. And that would take a long time to come to terms with.

Kurogane held Yuui – the only thing left in his world.

***

He did everything he could to help Yuui like Fai would have wanted.

He allowed him to stay at his home until he had gathered himself once more. He searched the flat with Yuui for birth certificates, documents, eventually finding them under a bed. There was no novel. He watched as Yuui ran his fingers over the strange, foreign print he felt he should be familiar with. Another identity he couldn't claim as his own. Kurogane took his hand in empathy, as a support, as he arranged the funeral. Sometimes Yuui would silently slip into bed next to him, craving human warmth and presence. If he spoke it was only to apologise. And Kurogane might wrap an arm around him, pitying the poor creature.

There was nothing sexual between them. That was how Kurogane realised that Yuui was gone… he simply wasn't there.

What little dusty and powdered remains of a soul that had been attached inside of him had now disappeared – scattered to the wind like ashes.

Grieving most people would call it. But Kurogane could see beyond that. The young man would pass by wordlessly, drifting, a lost and hopelessly inconsolable look upon his face. Without a soul.

It had been true. Between discovering Fai's body and putting the phone down after informing the hospital, Yuui had disappeared. And there was nothing Kurogane could have done to prevent it.

Losing Fai, losing Yuui… both were strange experiences. Even stranger that one had left a breathing body behind. A body identical to both. For once Kurogane could see Fai's face in Yuui's and it hurt. Even so he remained with Yuui. God only knows why – the emptiness within him had swallowed him whole. And as Kurogane realised how greatly Yuui depended on him, treated him like his world, he noted his proximity to that bitter, empty hollow.

Truth being told, he was terrified that he may disappear in that same hole, like an infection, and that Yuui may never be recovered from its depths.

***

Kurogane's father paid for the majority of the funeral expenses. He also played a role in organising it. It was true that he felt a strange pity for Yuui but he certainly wasn't spending his money through empathy - he made that very clear to both his son and Yuui. It just seemed… like the right thing to do at that time. Mostly because it was sorely unfair that a boy without a penny, a job or a family should be expected to pay the costs of death. And again, it wasn't because Yuui had no money that Kurogane's father had opened his wallet – it was because he was too young to be forced to do this. Yuui couldn't understand how to cope and this sudden task forcing him to face his brother's death straight on had been a shock to his system. At many times it seemed like he couldn't deal with that responsibility at all

He wasn't completely helpless however. Even in death his brother had tried to help him as much as he could financially. He had some savings and a violin taped to which Kurogane had found a note asking Yuui to sell it. Still, watching him weep on the bed, note in hand, it was difficult to say if he could ever bring himself to do so.

It was then that Kurogane's father had come through, placed an older, understanding hand on his young and slender shoulder and had a talk with him.

Sitting there in an empty half light, he had managed to persuade Yuui to accept the money, emphasising that he was not a charity case. Anything left over was to help him at university, he'd said, and that he shouldn't worry about accepting it.

On the grand scale of things Kurogane's father was quite well off and didn't mind. Yuui could pay it back whenever he had the opportunity, no interest added.

Kurogane's father wasn't stupid nor irresponsible in handing out this sum. He'd noticed Yuui drifting secretively into his son's bedroom sometimes deep in the night and understood the implication easily enough – that something had happened or would happen between the two boys. It wasn't a difficult prediction to make but he kept it to himself nonetheless. And he didn't mind in the slightest. He'd always felt that it was a bit strange of his son to be taking interest in someone like Yuui and the suspicion had been met with a fair deal of shock at first but he'd found he had nothing against the idea. In fact he was nearly glad. And in this way the loan could be considered similar to helping out a financially troubled potential daughter in law.

'Besides,' he had decided to add reassuringly as he spoke with Yuui, 'for what you've given my son you're worth more than that.'

Yuui had blinked towards him uncertainly, trying to determine whether he knew about their fragile romantic link or not.

***

Searching, Kurogane couldn't find him. Once the service was over he'd vanished in a crowd of strangers.

Throughout the entire service he hadn't cried, only sat and gazed without anything in focus. His expression was far away, the only one there who had truly known Fai alongside Kurogane. Dealing with this, he became lost. Hardening himself, he'd been buried and he must have been pretty deep down - nothing said, sung or mentioned in passing seemed to affect him. A hymn, a cough or a sneeze, a ballad, nothing penetrated and he continued staring remorsefully without shedding a tear.

That was how Kurogane eventually found him, escaped from the ceremony, crying on a bench on the other side of the church.

Kurogane approached slowly, heartstrings tearing as he soaked in the image, and once more he sat down next to Yuui and put an arm around his shoulders. Acknowledging his presence, that it was Kurogane, Yuui leaned into him, burying his face in a jacketed shoulder. They sat like that for a while, Yuui sobbing into Kurogane.

The time ticked by as one wept and the other reflected. A bird sang, swooping between branches.

'There's something I need to tell you…' Kurogane started once Yuui's tears had begun to subside. The tranquil weather seemed to be affecting his behaviour, the silence seeping into his mind to loosen his tongue.

Yuui raised his head to indicate that he was listening.

'I'm going back to Japan,' Kurogane said.

Beneath his arm he felt a body stiffen.

'For how long?' Yuui asked weakly.

Kurogane closed his eyes, not even glancing towards Yuui. 'I'm moving.'

'That's- !' Yuui burst out and then fell silent. Spurting up suddenly and then slowly lowering himself once more, movements becoming slower, gentler and finally determined. 'I'm going with you.'

'No you're not,' Kurogane said simply.

'Please! Take me with you!' Yuui begged, raising his voice desperately.

'You've already made your decision!' Kurogane snapped. 'You're going to university. And this is my decision!'

Yuui shied away, eyes wide, full of tears. They reflected like a mirror, containing all of his emotions, the hurt he felt… 'But I need you…'

Kurogane stood up, lifting his arm off Yuui, unable to touch him any longer. He walked away, on his way home.

'Kurogane! Please don't go!' Yuui yelled after him, standing up, unable to feel his surroundings, completely bereft. In panic. 'Please!'

Feeling that presence again…the lost opportunities to bid goodbye, Kurogane turns around to face Yuui who quickly makes towards him, running at the sight of this slight hesitance. He wrapped his arms around Kurogane, resting his head on his shoulder.

'Don't leave me,' he said in a whimper, tears forcing his voice into strange shapes and noises.

Kurogane… felt himself raising his arms and... stopped. But no one was there to see. He relented. He wrapped his arms around Yuui.

'This is something I felt I needed to do,' he tries to explain, 'and I think it's a good decision for me. So you need to move on with your own life.'

Yuui doesn't react, just hopelessly clings to him.

'Besides the sooner I leave the faster you'll be able to change. Things won't change so long as I'm around,' he said coldly, blatantly.

'Kurogane… don't leave,' Yuui said, trying to drive away tears, still clinging to his neck as if he depended upon it.

Kurogane frowned angrily. 'I'm leaving,' he said. 'That's my choice. And you don't need me. You'll manage without me.'

He turned to leave, pulling against Yuui but he stuck fast. Annoyed but not mad, he allowed Yuui to stand there holding him for a little while longer. Putting his arms around him again, he feels as though he needs to use these last few moments to treasure Yuui despite clasping an empty shell.

Yuui's breath trembled. 'Kurogane, don't leave…'

'I'm sorry, Yuui,' Kurogane told him, growing slightly warmer.

The air hung around them totally still, capturing untold emotions, waiting for a response.

Yuui took in a slight breath. '… I love you,' he uttered sacredly with tears in his eyes, muffled by his shoulder.

Kurogane seized up. He froze completely, eyes widening and ice tumbling through his chest. He took a deep breath, suddenly frightened. He took Yuui's arms and lifted them off his body. 'Goodbye,' he said as he turned and walked away.

The last he saw of Yuui… was a broken body, standing completely isolated in a wet graveyard. A single tear slid down his cheek. A face strained with sorrow and emptiness. His heart trampled. He bursts into tears as he watches Kurogane walk away.

***

Kurogane never looks back.

***

After the funeral Yuui disappeared. His clothes at both homes had been taken, his belongings moved. He vanished.

No-one else at the funeral saw him again.

***  
_Note: This is not the end!!!  
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it was!_


	21. Chapter 21

_Note: May cause exposure to false hope. You've been warned now._

***

Kurogane stops in his tracks.

Beyond him, on the path, a man with blonde hair stands before Fai's grave wearing a long, thick black jacket, warding off the light autumn rain. In his hand he holds a simple flower, on his face a reflective expression, and as Kurogane's feet stop, crunching on the gravel, he looks up.

He stops too, eyes staring widely in surprise.

'Kurogane?' Yuui says slowly, rust built over time held in his voice, not without an element of shock and uncertainty.

'…Yeah,' Kurogane responded, feeling uneasy speaking to him after so long.

So long he had no idea how Yuui would react…

He smiled, speechless, not sure how warmly to greet him. Instead he asked, 'Did you come to visit Fai? His grave?'

'Yeah…' Kurogane replied, equally speechless. Then decided to be the one to say it. 'It's been a while…'

'More than seven years,' Yuui said, voice as light as the wind. A strong and independent tone yet the message it carried was weak, desperately fragile…

'How have you been?' Kurogane decided to ask, walking towards him.

To have met around the same place they'd separated seemed an unlikely coincidence and yet, there Yuui stood, more solid than ever. A warm and welcoming look lying behind his eyes.

'I've been alright thanks,' he replied. He stares down towards the grave, the name 'Fai Flowright' embedded in stone. 'It's been very difficult ever since he died but I managed…' He stayed there, the silent mourning behind his voice remaining present for the time being, a sadly contemplative look gracing his face…

Kurogane didn't respond.

Yuui looks up, a heartfelt smile upon his lips, speaking with life and strength, 'How is Japan? Are you here visiting?'

Kurogane almost felt guilty at the lack of bitterness in that voice.

'Yeah, I'm visiting dad. He's moved but I decided to come here for the day,' Kurogane said standing in front of Yuui. He smiled simply, holding the flower in his hand out towards Kurogane. He took it and carefully laid it upon the grave, remaining on bent knee and staring sternly at the headstone for a while before finally sighing and standing up again. 'He was too young.'

Yuui looked towards the headstone, lips pressed into a difficult expression. Eventually he raised his head and looked towards Kurogane. 'Do you have anything else planned for today?'

Kurogane shook his head. 'No, I was just going to look about a bit.'

'I was thinking we could have a coffee and talk,' Yuui suggested without the immature shyness Kurogane was certain his voice would have carried at a younger age, 'I'm free today so I've got a lot of spare time.'

Kurogane broke into an unsteady smile. 'Sure, why not…'

***

Yuui took them to somewhere small and quiet, quite nearby. He seemed to be a regular there, the kind who would sit in the corner and read, breathing in the rich calm and aroma. Being a weekday, there was barely anyone there and they settled themselves into a warm corner, away from the biting chill. The small room filled with sofas and low wooden tables had a type of relaxing atmosphere that Kurogane hadn't experienced for a while in the bustling anxiety of the Tokyo metropolis, although these surroundings seemed to fit Yuui very naturally. Comfortable and laid-back, he purses his lips, thinking, almost shy, as he leans back into the seat, clasping his cup and smiling lightly towards Kurogane. It's in this soothed state of mind that they both find their tongues unravelling, spinning seven years' worth of events.

When Kurogane had first moved he'd started a desk-job at a government building, which he soon grew incredibly tired and frustrated with. He'd applied for a job in translation, having fluent English, and left after almost two years of being paid a pittance for what he considered to be dull and mostly pointless routine. Working part-time as a kendo teacher to children, he'd taken up a job in a gym, moving on to work as a lifeguard at the nearby pool. However he'd soon quit that too since the work reminded him too much of the past he was still trying to leave behind … he never mentioned that in his retelling to Yuui. Currently a job as a subway driver was keeping him financially afloat, in a position of agitated instability.

Yuui's position had been much different – for nearly all of the time they'd been apart he'd been in further education. He'd received his degree in Chemistry, one of the top students to graduate in the subject. He spent the following years after this either abroad or doing a teaching degree, having suddenly taken the fancy and growing to like the idea. Throughout that time he'd had several part-time jobs to support his studies and worked for the majority of the holidays with no family to return to, but other than that he had no real working experience. It was only recently that he'd started a job at a local secondary school. Currently they were in the October holidays.

'We went on to lead such different lives,' Yuui commented, sipping at his mocha, now nearly drained.

Kurogane nodded, feeling awkward sitting across from him. The old memories were reawakening and he could picture more vividly than in a long time Yuui's lips pressed to his own, his tongue and soft skin hovering uncovered above his own. If it had been meaningless then it simply would have been embarrassing but the problem was the fact that it had meant so much more to them both. Older, coming face to face with the other half of his adolescent love/hate relationship, he regretted ever having done it. A fragile, hormone-ridden body, he'd been lost in his own emotions at the time without any control over the situation.

It also felt strange somehow that Yuui wasn't angry with him in any way. Looking back, even Kurogane felt completely idiotic for leaving him, very nearly for good, at his brother's funeral. He bit back the guilt and extra doses of regret, holding it from his eyes as he told Yuui about his work as a kendo teacher. He taught to various ages, unlike Yuui who was a trainee teacher at a high school and taught science to teenagers.

Talking with him like this, Kurogane began to feel under the surface of his skin elements that were different and things that hadn't changed, not even after so long. For example, Yuui's calm yet confident demeanour was new to Kurogane – the way he would make small and precise motions, smoothly. Placing a cup down, crossing his legs, drizzling milk into his mug and the methodical, light tapping as he stirred with his spoon, listening attentively. The wise light behind his eyes and the sharper edge to his face gave him the appearance of being altogether more mature, leaving behind those clueless times almost completely. Still, Kurogane could easily pick out things that were warmly familiar to him, things it appeared would never change with time. His friendly laughter, the way he would look away as he thought, taking his time, his sense of humour… all these things rushed back to Kurogane in a flood of memories. He could barely catch a single drop in his hand; he became taken in and encompassed by those events that had passed. And yet for their warmth he welcomed them.

However there remained an element to Yuui that was both very similar to his old self and true to this new adult. Perhaps it was the most important element to consider: his smile. Every time he smiled towards Kurogane an unfamiliar sense of soft and tender sympathy and connection came over him. The part that was familiar could by felt by tracing the smile back to the root and finding that it had no real origin, detached from his emotions. Perhaps it even linked to that dark and empty place in him but the fact still stood that the smile was fake.

Although as their conversation wore on Kurogane began to wonder how much the new nature of this smile was affecting him. Slowly, steadily, feelings emerged both old and new. His friendliness, his wit, connected to their shared past, began to stir inside Kurogane's chest. And with this dull and uneven feeling came the sharp realisation that Yuui was beautiful now. More so than as a teenager, unsteady and uncertain. Now his confidence, his sharper eyes, face, his graceful motion and quiet warmth gave him an unsurpassed quality, a sense of divine beauty. In comparison Kurogane felt like he'd taken several steps backwards. Sure, he'd kept fit – exercise was a regular routine, a part of his life that he'd maintained since childhood – but in terms of progression, of attractiveness, Kurogane felt like a dulled metal placed against shining silver. And it wasn't as if this feeling had been growing, it was only here and now that he had noticed he had lost a certain amount of vitality. Before, he'd had no problems picking up women if he'd felt like it but now… he was unsure if he'd made a terrible mistake somewhere in his life.

Yuui's vibrant eyes, sparkling blue, took in the sight of him once more, face clutched in smooth and immaculate fingers, and his lips perked into a lovely smile. He closed his eyes, tidying mugs and spoons to the side of the table with a mind deep in thought.

He then turned to Kurogane. 'There's something I've been wanting to show you… something I thought you might want to see if you ever came back.'

***

His flat was also nearby, a comfortable walk from the café, chatting along the way. Opening the door, the room beyond was dark and Yuui sighed as he switched on the light, watching the dusk through window. Kurogane took his shoes off at the door, a force of habit.

Yuui padded about the flat naturally and gave a welcoming smile. The carpet was cream with lightly coloured walls, sparsely decorated but still in good taste. Everything was very neat, well kept. It was clear that Yuui, although not a cleaning freak, was a tidy person, trying to maintain a certain degree of order.

'Do you want a drink?' he asked pleasantly, moving into the kitchen. 'Another coffee?'

'No thanks, I- ,' Kurogane started.

'An Irish one?' he said, picking out a bottle from a cupboard with a sly smile.

Kurogane smirked. 'Forget the coffee.'

They both shared a knowing smile before Yuui started moving about, picking out glasses. Once they were both sitting on his sofa, once the cat was fed, Kurogane asked him, 'What did you want to show me?'

Yuui paused, looking down before setting his glass down on the coffee table and leaving the room.

Kurogane was left alone in the living-room with the fluffy grey cat and the sights of a place he'd never been before. Nothing looked cheap but that didn't add up since Yuui had only just started working… settling down into the comfortable cream sofa, glass in hand, he put it down to either an excess of savings or a good eye for furniture.

When Yuui returned, he was carrying a red box made of wood and looking like it was about to fall apart. He placed it on the table, sat down next to Kurogane who was sitting upright once more, waiting, and lifted the lid. Inside was contained all manners of paper and junk.

'Fai started collecting a few things that were special to him in here before he died,' Yuui explained, pushing it towards Kurogane to pick through.

Rifling through the contents, he skimmed past notes, photos, musical pieces and lists of books and films as well as the odd object – a USB, a DVD… He picked it up and Yuui smiled towards him encouragingly, although Kurogane wasn't too sure what he was encouraging…

'He really liked it. He seemed really pleased once he'd seen it. Thanks for helping me make it,' he said, voice soft and reflective.

'No problem,' Kurogane responded, flicking back seven years, as if they were still young, pretending they'd never been apart.

The words were blocked passage, like a closed dam, the speech welled up behind, shut away, with no way to get out. Kurogane didn't understand what it was he needed to say to Yuui. So they sat there in silence.

A wisp of gold hair pushed away, light as air, eyes peering nostalgically, glittering, a sweet smile as a note is read. Kurogane finds himself staring more and more as they rake through the contents of this box, spying into the past in remembrance of a brother and a friend.

'His music teacher told him he could be professional if he continued to work hard,' Yuui reflected, tracing bars he couldn't understand with elegant fingers. Kurogane takes a breath in, feeling guilty, before turning away.

'Would he ever have considered it?' he asked.

Yuui stared forwards, thinking with a sorrowful expression and stroking the cat on his lap absent-mindedly. 'I think by the time he came to consider it, he knew that he wasn't going to live for that long. He enjoyed writing too, but I suppose I spoilt that for him…'

Kurogane had forgotten what he'd meant by that. He didn't bother asking and it was only several days later as he replayed their conversation in his head that he finally figured out what he'd meant. The English teacher.

'But he was always very passionate about music,' Yuui continued. 'It was his outlet.'

Kurogane nodded, moving on to more items, happy pictures of younger, care-free days. Half of them were dead.

'That's when we all went bowling, isn't it?' Yuui asked cheerily, pointing at the picture and laughing at the memories they both procured.

Although Kurogane felt strange looking at these pictures… now that he was dead, he seemed to realise very painfully how similar Fai and Yuui were. And yet as he stared towards Yuui he felt that same sense of individuality, the familiar throb of attraction within him that he'd never associated with Fai. What could have been… it was only an illusion that Yuui's future may have been shared with Fai.

By the time the lid was placed upon the box once more, Yuui's eyes had a strange look to them, glazed over. He propped his head in his hands, looking as if he wanted to cry but the tears had been lost years ago.

Finally he attempted a smile, picking up the two glasses and moving for the kitchen. Kurogane got up and followed him.

'You didn't have to come with me,' Yuui smiled, 'I was going to come back through.'

'I know…' Kurogane stated, leaning in the doorframe, staring towards Yuui, taking in his graceful and unimposing beauty.

Yuui stared at him for a moment, slightly confused, then resumed, deciding that it didn't matter where they were. He handed him another glass of whiskey, picked up his own and raised it slightly. 'To Fai, wherever he may be,' he said solemnly. And after a moment's thought, 'And Hayley, who's keeping him company.'

Kurogane nodded, clinking his glass lightly against Yuui's, tipping back. He stood there contemplatively. Not wanting to interrupt, Yuui leaned against the worktop for a while, sipping and staring, a delicate and considerate frown upon his face. Finally, having drained his glass, he set it down and made to move past Kurogane.

He grabbed his wrist.

Yuui whipped his head around, surprised. He looked towards Kurogane in confusion. He merely closed his eyes, breathed outwards, set his glass on the nearby table. When his eyes were open once more, he stared towards Yuui with a strange, hard focus, which was returned curiously. Something about it seemed apologetic, as if there was something that needed to be done, no protests or queries. Kurogane took Yuui's shoulders and pulled them closer to him, leaning forward to kiss him.

To begin with, Yuui seized up, shocked at the suddenness, but as this abated, his heart fluttered, he began to melt and he felt himself kissing back, hands slipping around Kurogane's neck.

Different from when they were young, the experience had drained of its excitement, replaced by something softer, keener. The pleasure remained though, both of them realising that they were still deeply attracted to one another. Not only that - that the bond between them had remained unbroken over time.

Kurogane pulled away, taking Yuui's shoulders once more, frowning, staring away…

'What's wrong?' Yuui asked, lifting a hand and placing his fingers lightly against Kurogane's face.

His frown deepened. 'I shouldn't have done that.'

Yuui stared towards him softly and sympathetically, smiling and running his finger down the side of his face. 'There was nothing wrong with that,' he reassured the grimacing man before him.

'Yes there was!' Kurogane snapped, grabbing his arm and throwing it away, ripping them apart.

'Well you must have wanted to do it,' Yuui argued, trying not to raise his voice, annoyed and confused.

Kurogane glared at him then marched through to the other room, sitting heavily on the sofa.

Yuui moved to follow him and stopped himself. After a few seconds given to compose themselves, he slipped through into the other room, sitting silently down beside Kurogane. 'There's nothing that needs to happen,' he said, voice hovering in frustration, 'but I'd thought you'd always felt that way.'

'We were young then,' Kurogane stated bitterly.

Yuui flinched, accused of something. A long-standing dream dismissed as nothing more than childish fantasy. His eyes narrowed.

'There's someone else. I'd have carried on but it wouldn't have been right,' Kurogane admitted solemnly.

Yuui stared towards him, the statement sinking into his skin uneasily. Tensed up, he was silent for a while. 'I understand,' he finally said with an imitated warmth, eyes looking strained and damp, not even trying to hide the fact that he was heartbroken, Kurogane noted almost guiltily.

'I'm sorry for messing you around like that,' he replied, standing up.

'Are you leaving?' Yuui asked unsteadily.

'I'd better…' Kurogane said quietly, moving to pick up his jacket. Yuui followed. 'And thanks for today,' he said to him, frightened to look in his eyes.

The other did the smiled softly and faintly, only making himself seem even more upset in the process. His stare reflected something that held a timeless quality within him; a dream turned into a nightmare, he decided to preserve all that was good in their time together.

Yuui opened the door for him to leave.

'Take care,' he said with a small smile.

Kurogane nodded as he left. 'You too.'

The door shut. And Yuui stood on the other side staring at it for a long time.

***

Walking to the train station, the way he'd reached Fai's grave, remembering the town so well, Kurogane shuddered.

Having moved on, he'd found himself back where he'd left his old life. Even now he hadn't been able to resist his feelings for Yuui. It nearly made him feel sick – uneasy at the way he hadn't felt like himself. Of course Yuui was a wonderful person, smart, kind and beautiful, but Kurogane thought that he'd buried that attraction a long time ago, that he'd left it in the past.

As it slowly rose to the surface again, Kurogane trudged through wet leaves, wanting to escape, to have some form of control over his life once more. At the very least he had that in Japan.

***

Yuui flopped on to his bed, head lying partially buried in sheets and staring towards the ceiling from time to time. He could feel tears pricking in his eyes and that dark hole within him slowly eroding his soul, expanding beneath his skin. Desperately, he tried to scatter those tears, drive away his sorrow.

In the end, he succumbed, snatching the remains of the bottle and returning to his bedroom, sobbing into his bed. An opportunity longed for, hoped for, arrived after seven years. Lost. Slipping through his fingers like water, leaving only a slight commemorative dampness.

He falls asleep, reaching for shards of shattered dreams, too far apart to pick them up.

***

_Note: Told you._

_I just can't be kind to them, can I? But if I've not told you already then I promise a happy ending =)_


	22. Chapter 22

Everything he did conveyed a sense of childish glee. An enjoyment in his work and what he taught shining through, his lessons were made easier somehow. Like the room wasn't as heavy and the words not so oppressed. His voice was light and emanated through the classroom. He had a personality to match – a carefree attitude warmed to life by a kind nature.

He gained popularity quickly during his 5 years at the school, not simply for his talent for expressing trivial, boring and complicated facts as something worthwhile, meaningful or even interesting. It was his excitement and compassion.

At the drop of a hat, whether the lesson strictly called for it or not, he would be showcasing some sort of potentially dangerous chemical reaction, either to make life that bit more fun or simply because he got some sort of kick out of being too close to hazard. And still, only once it backfired – a spark jumping out, shooting past left eye, coming slightly too close for comfort and leaving him partially blind in that eye. But any other time, he seemed to have control over the situation. The last thing he would want to do is put his classes at any sort of risk and he told them so. Safe in that respect, the pupils watched him continue with his ways untroubled.

The memorable ones seemed to involve flames, coloured or otherwise. A lilac flame dancing over the water, spontaneously exploding like an immature firework; hissing, spitting trails over paper; a bright red spurt of fire; a flaming circle, spreading and engulfing the ceiling. Dissolving pennies in violent green and sharp gun-shot explosions, the man seemed immune in the face of danger.

And yet for a person who acted so impulsively, verging insane at times, he was acutely sympathetic. Anyone could approach him with any problem and he would listen with a kind ear. Most importantly, he never judged people. Even troublemakers, people who skipped school, did drugs, he merely sighed at, as if they were infected with some terrible illness that couldn't be cured.

Approaching problems with soft, understanding eyes full of an underlying wisdom, he always succeeds in comforting and soothing before confronting the situation rationally. This is perhaps why his pupils were unafraid of asking him for help with questions: he would explain the logic over and over and over and over simply but without belittling them or discrediting their intelligence. Some pupils came to him with slightly more personal problems. Like Sakura.

Troubled by people calling her names, she came to him after school one day, asking what she should do. And she could remember clearly, for a while afterwards, she'd always be able to picture it, the teacher slowly breaking into a comforting smile.

'Sakura,' he'd said softly, 'if you bought some new shoes and asked those boys what they thought, would you trust their opinion?'

'No,' she'd sniffed, slightly confused.

'Then you should just ignore their comments – they don't mean anything.'

'But what if they don't stop!' she protests, in a panicked state.

'Don't worry about that,' he said, a darker tint washing over his tone and smile. 'I'll do my best to make sure they never pick on you again. But in the meantime, whenever they call you a name or whenever you remember something they've said, ask yourself if it really matters and what _you_ think. You should trust your own opinions.'

'Thank you, Mr. Flowright,' she said gratefully and left.

'You're welcome,' he said with a cheery smile, picking up a pen and removing the lid.

Unfortunately his method was a bit unusual. Most teachers would call the bullies up and have a stern word with them whereas Yuui would pull aside a completely unrelated boy, one he thought Sakura had seemed to have a keen eye on, and have a word with him instead. But that never ended exactly as planned.

'I'm really sorry,' Syaoran said back in his room a few days later, face as bright as a tomato.

'It's alright,' Yuui sighed. 'If they found out about it, I'd be in just as much trouble as you'd be.' He leaned back on a desk, smiling slyly. 'Let's just agree that if I don't tell anyone you beat them up then you won't tell anyone I practically told you to. Kapiche?' He signed the deal with a wink.

'Sorry, when you said to protect her… I…' the boy uttered embarrassedly.

'Syaoran, it's alright. I feel terrible. A well-behaved boy like you shouldn't be getting into trouble like this and I can only blame myself for that,' Yuui assured him. 'I know what you're usually like so I won't make a big deal out of it because I know that you would never have done it without my encouragement.'

'T-thank you,' he stuttered, turning slightly redder.

'But I must say, I'm impressed,' the teacher continued. 'A quiet kid like you shouldn't be able to deal that kind of damage.'

'Ah, I've been learning karate since I was a kid,' Syaoran responded.

'Really? You must be very good,' Yuui smiled towards him.

'It's nothing much,' the boy said, growing flustered again.

The teacher didn't push it. 'Well thanks for helping Sakura out for me anyway. They won't be pestering her anymore with you about.' He smiled knowingly. 'I'm sure she appreciated your help.'

'It's fine!' Syaoran said modestly.

And at least some good came out of it – the two of them were inseparable now. Whenever Yuui spied one of them outside they were always accompanied by the other, smiling shyly and shuffling along the path shoulder to shoulder, blushing.

And one day when Syaoran was the last to leave the classroom, he'd jokingly asked, 'So have you asked her out yet?'

The boy immediately turned beetroot. 'That's…' He lowered his head. 'No, not yet.'

***

Despite the excellent relationship he shared with his students, the links he held with other people were slightly more complex and fragile.

At the school he'd made several friends with the other teachers, none of them particularly close, but good people, easy to talk to, fun to drink with.

However as relationships went, it was like staring into an empty room, devoid of any mark or indication that someone had lived there.

He'd been approached a fair number of times throughout his life, and this was understandable – he was attractive, intelligent, had a kind nature and a good sense of humour – but every time he'd declined and each time with the same smile.

Anticipating the question, he'd smile softly and sadly, with a sense of regret, seeming to hide something deep beyond his expression. 'I'm sorry but that's somewhere I can't go right now.'

There was no real reason to start dating either. Anyone who met him sensed something in him. Something strange, a glance to the side, a pause, eyes half-lidded, fingers trailing along the table, distracted. If the person on the other side of him had any sense at all, they'd realise that he was not the type of person you could easily become close to or grow to love. Granted, his small habits were very endearing but their causes left a lot of people confused.

And Yuui never wanted a boyfriend. He wasn't happy being alone and it wasn't because he felt like it would avert his attention from more important things – if anything he craved the attention and physical, human connection found in a relationship. But it felt too strange to him. Having a partner was something he just felt he couldn't do. He couldn't become close to people – he wasn't able to and didn't want to. A lot of the time he wondered if he was still heartbroken after Kurogane but he concluded that it wasn't just that. He'd feel too guilty to involve these people. He wouldn't be able to take them sharing in his pain, he doubted they would even understand what it is. He refused to form casual relationships, hating them and feeling that, if he did ever find someone to date, then he would just be pretending. Or trying to hide from himself. He didn't want that. He didn't want just anyone.

Instead, he decided to pick up two old past times – swimming and allowing himself to be used. Any love life he had was devoid of true relationships, bar his short teenage romance, and scattered with the types of relationships that could only be classed as affairs.

There was never any real meaning or effort involved in them. Nothing lasted more than one night, at the very most three. It was something involved but completely empty of any emotion. When you're about to close your eyes to the harm it brings to yourself it becomes menial – a means to an end. Yuui never felt guilty for it at all. Dirty maybe, but that was something he had learned to cope with a long time ago, a feeling he was familiar with even. It was a reaction to everyone involved. A response to a need and, although not an ideal solution, one which wouldn't involve a victim. Older now, Yuui was no longer a victim. He'd been torn apart years before, and it could be acutely sensed in him. And his own senses had been blunted, allowing him to take on strange and dangerous emotions, a replacement toy for potential victims, much like himself as a teenager. In that respect, he was glad. At least now he could understand, he felt he had control.

Misguided, he never realised the dangerous territory he was slowly approaching.

***

'Substances like fluorite, calcium fluoride, you'd expect to have ionic bonding,' he says, sitting on a bench… which he supposed was a bad example but there was only one other person there and he was in the top year. 'Think of it like a scale,' he said, stretching his arms to indicate and moving his hands at appropriate times to demonstrate. 'Purely covalent bonding is between the same atoms like oxygen where there is no difference in electronegativity, then as the difference increases you move past polar covalent and on to ionic bonding. And since calcium and fluorine are on opposite sides of the periodic table, there's going to be a big difference in electronegativity. Is that alright?'

The young man in front of him nodded. 'I think I understand it better now…'

Yuui smiled. 'It's always best to ask.'

'Thanks for the help,' he said, standing up and grabbing his coat.

'Do you know what you want to do when you leave?' Yuui asked.

'I'm going to study to become a vet,' Subaru tells him cheerily, with a fixed mind.

'Wow, that's hard to get into,' Yuui commented. 'I don't know about your other classes but I think with the marks you get from this class, you'll get in.' He smiled encouragingly.

'T-thank you,' Subaru stuttered, smiling gratefully.

'You're welcome,' Yuui said cheerily as his pupil left the room.

And sighed as he closed the door. The boy was definitely intelligent but there was a strange feeling that he couldn't shake, as if there was something about himself he'd never realised. And as for his future plans, it was almost as if he wasn't sure of his own mind…

***

Sometimes a train driver deep under the urban sprawl of Tokyo thinks of Yuui, his sighs, smiles, wisps of golden hair in the wind, and wonders how he is, where he is now…

***

He sat there on the sofa, curled up, bare feet, the drone of the TV ringing in his ear, dripping through his consciousness – a simple substitute for human solidarity, a voice. Paper on all sides, he fiddles with his red pen, flipping it around his fingers, pressing the end to his lips and staring distractedly, feeling a meagre, awkward light wash over his skin. And then he finally brings pen to paper, snapping from his daydream, writing in large, swooping and looping letters _'Excellent work, well done!!!'_, signing it with a smiley face, something to prove.

He flips the paper over, dropping it on to the pile on the floor beside him and sighs with a sense of achievement before he's suddenly overcome.

The room is silent and dark. Something clicks somewhere in his mind.

A strange, cold feeling seeps through him, bearing heavily within, and before he can prevent it from happening, a tear forces itself from his eye. Sliding past his cheek, he feels an oppression, something he can't understand, and he finds himself sobbing surrounded by his class' work.

It stops suddenly. Leaving him shaking ever so slightly, eyes bleary, breathing heavily. And he feels guilty, hopeless over that inability to control, a thing desperately ignored shining through. He snatches the next paper from the pile to mark, staring morbidly, detached, towards it – blank spaces smeared with splayed and disjointed writing. He grips too tightly, lays down the pen and sits for several minutes, face in hands.

He refused to ask for more. He felt ridiculous being upset, confused at how he felt so empty, so devoid of life. At the same time he felt strange pretending to be happy for so long, constantly, ceaselessly for his pupils. And he couldn't think of anything desperately wrong with his life… yet something ate away at him, refusing to let him be. It frightened him. And in moments such as these he would be unable to hold the shapeless form from showing his devoured self to him.

When he opened his eyes he spied his cat batting at the papers on the floor.

'Dammit, Mittens, those are important!' he snapped, grabbing her.

Something tugged at his emotions and clutched her to him for a second, feeling the physical mark left by her fur, her body beneath, before wiping away the remains of his tears and moving through into the kitchen. He sets the cat down, pours himself a glass of Bailey's and grabs a few squares of chocolate.

He smirks to himself. 'Sometimes I remind myself too much of a depressed, middle-aged woman to be sane,' he announces to no-one in particular.

And with a healthy swig of alcohol and a cat on his lap, he continues to mark the test papers.

***

Kurogane swings his feet over the side of the bed, brooding miserably it seemed.

Something felt wrong.

As the strange glow from the window fell upon him, mingling awkwardly with the undisturbed darkness, he felt something strange clutch at him, refusing to go away.

In the end he rises, trying not to disturb the dark-haired figure in bed next to him, and pads through to the kitchen, resigning himself to drinking beer at three in the morning.

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, willing his head to be cleared of all signs of thought and conscience.

***

Yuui sat on his bed that night staring at the ornamental plant on the windowsill – one of the few plants he would take special care of or lavish with any amount of attention. He'd be silently devastated if the bonsai died.

***  
_Note: If anyone reading hasn't read Tokyo Babylon then please tell me and I'll take out any spoilers I spot… and then you should read it because you've got no idea what you're missing! (I think there's only one thing that could ruin the story and it doesn't really matter to this plot anyway so it's alright to remove, you won't miss it)_

_The idea for the line 'Dammit, Mittens!' comes from a video me and L found on Youtube - 'Detective Mittens: The Crime Solving Cat'.  
Also it should be obvious by now that while I know nothing about cancer or rape, I do know a little something about chemistry! All the facts and experiments I refer to are real this time… if a bit simplified. I've even been able to demonstrate one all by myself to some of the young ones at science club … I sent half of them out into the corridor choking and nearly set one of their coats on fire *sigh* that was a proud day.  
_


	23. Chapter 23

_Note: I apologise in advance for the cheesy opener, it got stuck in my head =S_

***

'What's a pretty, young thing like you doing out here?' a voice behind him asked.

Yuui grimaced slightly, exhaling. Was he hitting on him or trying to be patronising jokingly? Either way he found it insulting. He tapped the ashes away.

'I never knew you smoked,' the biology teacher continued, pulling out his own packet.

'I do sometimes,' Yuui replied casually without turning towards him. 'I'm picking it back up again.'

'It's a bad habit,' the other laughed, placing his lighter back into his pocket and taking a drag.

'What about you?' Yuui asked with a sly smile on his face. 'You're a biologist, Seishirou, you should know what these things do to you.'

'And you're a chemist so you should know exactly what's in them,' Seishirou retorted, calmly, sharply.

Yuui smirked, although with a sad taint. 'Some pretty horrible stuff but that's the point to me. In a way I enjoy clogging up my lungs; it feels a bit strange when they're too clean.'

'That's not a very good example to set the kids,' the biology teacher laughed, pacing along the pavement, slightly damp from the spring weather.

Yuui stared into the sky in thought, pools of smoke drifting from his lips. 'I tell them not to smoke for their own good. The lesson doesn't apply if they don't care about their own good. That's their opinion and their choice.'

The other teacher smiled. 'That's a refreshing opinion in today's climate.'

'Thank you,' Yuui replied tonelessly, still not looking towards the other man.

'So… do you stay with anyone? Do they mind you smoking?' Seishirou asked, seemingly trying to make conversation.

'I had a cat,' Yuui said simply, pulling his arms in tightly and drawing deeply to abate the chilled edge now surrounding him.

'No partners?'

'None.'

'But there used to be someone you loved…?' Seishirou asked, eyebrows slightly raised and with an analytical stance.

Yuui froze for a moment, feeling fear and loss, a sickening regret, seep through his stomach, as if he'd been pierced by something, unlocking each memory with a special, individual key. He breathed in slightly too deeply. 'Twelve years ago,' he finally replied, looking towards the ground.

'And there was someone who harmed you?' the man asked, now staring darkly and coldly, tone seeming unobtrusive…

Yuui frowned, angry somehow all of a sudden. '…Yes.' He turned sharply, finally looking towards the other teacher, voice full of mistrust. 'How do you know?'

The older man smiled, almost laughing, and paused as he drew from his cigarette. Eventually, he pushed the bridge of his glasses up, took a step towards Yuui and said, 'It's written on your face and in your movements; the things that you are.'

Yuui flinched consciously, eyes narrowing, and flicked away a cigarette butt prematurely. He walked back inside, deeply unsettled.

***

The more often he talked to Seishirou, the more strongly he realised what sort of man he was. Hands folded under chin, they broth treaded carefully around the other, understanding that the other knew who they truly were.

And it was only around him that Yuui seized up, feeling something in the way he spoke, in the way he looked towards him. The man had deeper intentions than he gave away.

Most importantly, he was someone who recognised the fear and buried torment within Yuui who had left himself behind. His body had grown but now it did not contain a living person. Rather it held stale and rotten memories.

Seishirou himself was free from pain, suspiciously so even. But he kept something beneath the surface, allowing only Yuui's fingers to skim over it – the one person who would feel that darkness nostalgically. And yet the smell did not make Yuui feel like crying or bring back any memories simply for the reason that it was too concentrated. Instead he approached it, held it curiously and cautiously, aware of something beneath, man-eating, soul-destroying… he underestimated.

'Tell me,' Seishirou started, unemotionally, without identifying his cause, 'what the boy you used to love was like?'

And yet Yuui told him gladly, happy merely for the opportunity to remember Kurogane as he was, a story spilling from his lips without question. He smiled dreamily, closing his eyes and lolling his head to the side, burying himself deeper. '… He was 11 months older than me. He was Japanese but he'd been living here for years so he spoke excellent English and had Asian features. His skin was tanned and he had very dark looks. He had black hair and he always had it spiked. He used to play a lot of sports so he built up a lot of muscles. He had a great body… all the girls used to swoon over him but he didn't seem to realise. If he did then he didn't care. But he didn't try with his image … he was just naturally handsome that way.'

'What type of a person was he…? Why did you like him?'

Yuui's eyes fluttered open and he stared towards the wall. Hovering over him, Seishirou waited for a response silently.

The eyes closed shut again, head tilted to an angle, showing the graceful line of his neck, his thin collarbone. 'I don't know why. There was just something about the person he was.' He shook his head. 'It wasn't just a physical attraction. I know I was very young at the time and I couldn't have known any different, but I'm positive that I was in love… still am.'

He smiled, half-laughing, still close to dozing. 'It surprises me now you ask. He wasn't exactly a kind or a nice person, especially not to me.'

'Maybe you liked being treated rough,' Seishirou joked.

Yuui laughed, smiled towards the ceiling and casually reached towards the packet of cigarettes by Seishirou's side. Offered a lighter, he lay there in his own world, smoke carelessly drifting from his lit cigarette balanced elegantly between his fingers. 'No, it always used to hurt me… I wanted him to love me too. And I still don't know if he ever did. He rejected me… twice … it wasn't very clear-cut. Nothing ever was… we were embarrassed together but at the same time tried to fulfil our desires as much as possible. Which was difficult… he felt awkward with it. And to be honest I did too but for different reasons. He felt strange being with someone of the same sex. He was never comfortable with that… and I was finding it difficult … to establish the difference between types of relationships.'

He blew smoke playfully from his mouth. 'He was always really grumpy, a bit irritable… I don't know why I loved him so much. I thought he was wonderful. And I always got very excited whenever we came close. When we kissed … I saw him naked once too,' he said and gave a small laugh, almost a giggle, grinning. Seishirou was surprised to see him so happy, unmasked.

'Why do you ask?' Yuui eventually said, turning to him.

'What's it like to love someone?' he was asked, being passed an ashtray.

Yuui blinked curiously, tapping away his ashes. The end of the cigarette had barely been pressed to his lips as he'd talked. 'Like it was destined to happen. Like… they're the one who'll complete you as a person… So you're scared that they'll leave your life because you don't know what will happen.'

'Fairly bittersweet,' Seishirou commented.

'That's just my experience,' Yuui sighed. 'Is that all you wanted to ask me?'

The man smiled cruelly, glasses removed. The expression of a predator giving away his position to make the chase that little bit more interesting. 'You teach Subaru too, don't you?'

Yuui froze, staring at him, his stomach dropped, finally understanding the man's darker intentions. His eyes widened in shock, suddenly feeling ill, needing out. He rose and left without another word, feeling disgusted with both himself and Seishirou.

Dressed, a hand placed on the front door, the other man asks, 'Would you like a lift home?' and Yuui, trembling, says nothing. He walks out, a mixture of vile and unidentifiable emotions swirling beneath his skin.

And back in his flat, tears suppressed for the twenty minute journey home came loose only to find themselves meaningless. His fear had subsided, replaced by blunt anger and a heavy, dank feeling of frustration. Sick with himself, with his blind actions, he lay on the sofa, teeth gritted, eyes closed… Willing himself into action, he concluded that something needed to be done.

Grabbing a drink, a strong taste to drown the taste of smoke. It did nothing to abate the feeling of disgust filling his chest or his worry for Subaru.

***

'Subaru, can I speak to you? You don't have to leave to catch a bus or anything?' Yuui asked, a cheerful mask still covering his face.

'No, it's fine,' Subaru said shyly, watching his few classmates leave the room. Typically the highest level classes were usually smaller but no one was complaining about more people wanting to study chemistry.

'Is Mr. Sakurazuka your biology teacher?' Yuui asked, leaning a lithe body against a lab bench.

'Yes,' Subaru said.

Yuui looked to the side, fingers held lightly on the top of the bench and pursing his lips every now and then. In thought, his complexion seemed very light, without mass, glowing. He brought his head around. 'Right now I'm not talking to you as a teacher,' he stated strongly.

The boy stared, slightly confused.

'I need to warn you about him. From now on you need to be very careful around him.'

'But he's such a kind person! Why would I need to take care around Seishirou?' Subaru protested as strongly as such a withdrawn person can.

Yuui flinched both at the use of the first name and at the seventeen year-old's innocence, blind to the situation. 'There's something about him he tries to keep hidden and it's dangerous. He wants to involve you with it,' he tried to explain gently, thoughtfully.

The boy stared lightly for a second before asking politely, 'You mean like a multiple personality?'

'No, no that's not what I mean,' Yuui sighed and covered his face in his hands for a moment… he couldn't understand why it was so difficult to express something he understood so well. Like chemistry. Slight feelings, notions suddenly became extraordinarily complex in comparison to science. 'It's as if the person you see, the person you talk to is only a façade. He keeps his true personality hidden. And I feel that if you become too close then you'll be in danger.'

'In danger from Seishirou?' the boy repeated in disbelief. 'Are you sure?'

'Yes,' Yuui said solemnly, blue eyes full of sorrow.

'But why? What sort of danger? How can you tell?' Subaru uttered, feeling mixed emotions – trust for the teachers on both sides.

Yuui stopped, suddenly unsure what to do. Telling the truth, saying that it was a feeling, a certain one but a feeling nonetheless, that would damage the credibility of his claim and he might lose Subaru. At the same time he couldn't lie. Not now.

'I've been here before,' he said, slowly, considerately.

'What do you mean…?'

'I mean… there was a teacher I used to know very well when I was younger. And in the end he abused that trust…' He felt the mask slowly slip. A strange sadness rising within him, clutching his throat. He shut his eyes, trying to control himself.

If Subaru felt awkward then it didn't show. 'I'm so sorry,' he said softly, genuinely.

'Thank you,' Yuui said with a small, grateful smile. 'But all I want is to prevent the same thing from happening to you…'

Subaru looked to his feet, considering the possibility. When he looked back up again he said, 'I don't completely understand what you mean about Seishirou not being trustworthy. But I promise that I'll be careful from now on.'

Yuui smiled as he left, left with mixed feelings of worry and the inevitable.

***

At home he was left to wonder what exactly he had been before Ashura, how similar he had been to Subaru. What he had become, how it could be defined and the possibilities of the same thing happening again to one of his pupils.

That was one of the reasons he became a teacher - a way of making amends.

More than anyone he realised how pivotal adolescence is, how it influences the decisions and outcomes of the future, and after graduating he'd decided to direct others along a path that wasn't his own. To fulfil potentials, achieve, relish success and lead a full and satisfied life.

It terrified him to see a reflection of himself in his mental plan.

Everyone who met Yuui noted a certain intellect, one that could have carried him far. It was just like him to abandon this, leave his own prospects lying in the dirt without reasoning. That was something no one understood about him, not even himself.

So at least, if he was never going to achieve for himself, he was going to pull Subaru from the hole he felt within himself.

***

'Do you feel that all those years ago what happened to you could have been prevented?'

Yuui turned to look towards the figure in the door, coffee mug in hand, smiling pleasantly… he narrowed his eyes in disgust and turned back to wiping the worst of the charred remains of an experiment off the benches.

Seishirou left, leaving his impression. Knowing Yuui's mind exactly, which strings to pull to provoke a reaction, which words would hurt him the most. Most importantly, he knew the actions Yuui would have taken in helping Subaru.

***  
_Note: Don't smoke, kids – it's bad for your health and psychopaths will try to chat you up._ =)


	24. Chapter 24

It felt strange. He'd only told two people before completely closing himself from the world's eyes. He'd hidden himself, opened himself to no-one until then, when he found himself suddenly compelled. Almost as if he had to reveal himself after so long being alone.

'He was a very easy person to talk to. I told him a lot about myself and he responded really sympathetically. That's how he won my trust,' Yuui said, keeping slow pace. 'But it won't always happen that way.'

'Had he been planning all along?' Subaru asked, scared lest he provoke a strong or emotional reaction. He would never hurt anyone.

Yuui nodded.

'… I find it difficult to believe that Seishirou would mean to harm anyone,' Subaru said thoughtfully, walking by his side. 'Did you ever suspect your teacher?'

'No. It seemed obvious afterwards but I never realised until it had already happened,' Yuui said simply.

'Why didn't you tell anyone?' Subaru asked curiously, worriedly, walking partially on the damp grass.

Yuui smiled faintly at his care. 'Because of the way I reacted.'

He laughed slightly. 'That sounds like I did something awful… I didn't, it was just something that's a bit hard to understand or see any logic behind. And anyway I'm not ashamed anymore. Asking for revenge would be opening very old wounds. The damage was already dealt once.'

'But then that man won't have been punished for what he did,' Subaru protested.

'It's not that simple,' Yuui smiled down to him sadly. 'Just don't ever allow anything like that to happen to yourself. I don't want you becoming like me.'

'You're such a kind person though. You're always really helpful and in a good mood!'

'Maybe but I'm not very happy underneath that,' Yuui revealed to him.

And then stopped, about to turn right, Subaru about to turn left. 'You said you had a twin sister?'

Subaru nodded, confused as to what to say, what to do.

Yuui smiled as if nothing had been said. 'I had a twin brother when I was your age.'

He turned and walked away.

***

The next time they met outside of class was as Yuui walked past him, bag slung over shoulder, leaving for the day. He stopped, looking towards Subaru questioningly. It seemed as if he was waiting on someone.

The boy blushed, caving in on himself. 'I wanted to talk to him. I don't think he can be as bad as you say but I at least wanted to ask.'

Yuui looked towards him, face blank. 'He's your teacher but it's more complicated than that, isn't it?' His blue eyes seemed like ice, piercing and reading the boy's emotions, turning the pages with ease.

Subaru looked up to him, seeming slightly dazed for a moment. His face took on a slightly scared appearance, fresh to these strange, new and complex emotions. He nodded.

Yuui closed his eyes, mind wandering, deliberating, and when he opened them he stared hard at Subaru, almost remorsefully. He opened his soul. 'I felt that way once,' he said, 'and I was raped after school.' He sighed, spilling emotion, gazing up to the clouds. 'He told me that one day someone I loved would do that to me too… But you know, it's never happened.' He smiled towards Subaru, eyes clouding with tears before dumping his bag at the stunned boy's feet. 'Look after this for me,' he said as he marched back into the school building.

He turns the corner, seeks a room, opens a door and shuts it behind him. A man sorting his paperwork, piling it into a bag, looks up expectantly.

'I don't care what you're planning to do to him, take me instead,' Yuui uttered, hand curled tightly around the door handle.

Seishirou smiled, mouth curling into a dark smile, an eel waiting in the dark. 'An interesting proposal.'

'I don't care what you're planning – abuse, rape, murder. I'll take it. I just can't allow anything to happen to him,' Yuui explained, voice flowing with fear and regret.

The man stared towards him critically, expression never wavering. 'If you're willing to die then why don't you take your own life to save my hands getting dirty?'

Yuui's eyes widened in shock, taken aback by the casual nature of the cruelty. And also because he wasn't sure of the answer. He pressed his lips shut, eyes narrowing and refusing to breathe a word. Shoulders tense, taking a stance… he attempted to appear brave and in doing so hindered his cause.

Seishirou took off his glasses, folding the legs beneath the lenses and slipping them into his shirt pocket. Smiling, satisfied, Yuui was a weak opponent. 'If your life was truly so worthless, where would the pleasure in taking it be? … so I thank you for the offer but I'm afraid I have to decline.' He stood up, picking up his own bag, walking towards the door where Yuui stood, staring dead, holding himself up with no hope. His mind was blank both with the hovering smell of fear and a burying recognition of failure and he breathed deeply in faint-hearted, sickening anticipation.

The man clutched his face in a hand, gripping his jaw tightly and yanking it to face him. Yuui flinched, yielding.

Seishirou smirked, watching Yuui fall apart in his clutches, and whispered, a calm yet manic tone lingering in a smooth voice, 'Why play with second hand toys that are already broken?'

He switched off the lights, walked out the door, shutting it and locking it as if this were any other night.

He was a biology teacher in a secondary school. But now Yuui knew more.

He'd jumped when he heard the door lock, snapped from the strange comatose state of mind he'd been in moments before. Turning sharply, he tried the door only once. He bit his lip, willing tears not to come… And he stood there, staring towards his hand, gaining a grip on himself, trying to forget the murderous eyes he'd been staring into just before. He emitted a shuddering breath and looked around for a spare set of keys, anything… he spied the windows on the opposite side of the classroom.

Fear morphing into determination, mind spinning on a broken axis, he tested the handle and the window swung open easily. With a sick stab, he realised that Seishirou hadn't intended to trap him - he'd wanted to hold him up, realising Yuui might try to prevent him from stealing Subaru, possibly for good. Devouring his innocence like a sick beast.

Climbing over the bench and swinging his legs out of the window into the cold air, he felt ridiculous but no one inhabited the deathly presence of the closing day. Feet hitting the earth underneath him, he shut the window hurriedly and pushed through the bushes, breaking into a run making his way to the gate, desperate.

As he rounded the corner he saw Subaru and Seishirou waiting together, the younger of the two clutching his bag. He smiled, thanking luck, and made his way towards them.

Seeming oblivious to what was going on, Subaru held out his bag to him and innocently, worriedly, he asked, 'Why didn't you go to the police?'

The chemistry teacher stopped in front of him, merely staring for a while as if he didn't know what to think, whether this was all happening or not. Mind already a confused mess, the heart-warming question was like a nail hammered into glass. Reminded of Ashura, Subaru's blind kindness and innocence and his selfless desire to help others. Smile cracking, he said quietly, 'It's more complicated than that but thank you.' He took the bag unsteadily from the delicate, gloved hands.

Subaru gazed towards him concerned.

And, a tear slipping from his eye, Yuui found himself with his arms wrapped around the boy. Subaru tensed awkwardly beneath him.

'I'm sorry… I'm so sorry,' Yuui whispered, fingers splaying comfortingly.

'What for?' Subaru stuttered, anxious and confused.

Yuui pulled away, holding him at arms length and smiled beautifully, heart snapping with tears trickling down his face. 'For not protecting you… when I was your age I didn't know what I wanted either… I just hope you can be happy.'

With a jolt he felt an arm on his wrist and his light eyes flicked up to view the person hanging above them. Seishirou, reminding him of his presence, claiming his territory and smiling pleasantly, somehow threateningly.

Letting go and smiling sadly, Yuui stood up tall, closing his eyes, entering himself, hiding from the chilling eyes. 'Bye,' he said and left, feeling Seishirou's gaze lying on his back, bag slung across shoulder.

***

Back in his own flat he stared disbelievingly at the familiar furniture surrounding him. His calm composure slipped, shattered.

***  
The traffic warden had stepped into the shop against his own will. He clasped a dainty cup of tea without quite understanding why either he or it was there.

'You came here because you required my services,' the scantily clad woman opposite him explained with a cat-like smirk.

'And what are they?' he asked cynically.

'This is a shop that grants wishes,' the woman said, raising her hands, opening her palms, 'for an according price, of course.'

Kurogane frowned distastefully. Pretty overblown way of selling sex if you asked him. He chose to ignore her, saying, 'I don't have any wishes, I'm fine and I don't want your damn services.'

'No! Not that!' the woman yelled disgustedly.

'Well going about dressed like that doesn't help!' he snapped, gesturing towards her low cut top, long boots, short skirt…

A snigger could be heard beyond the shoji panels.

She sighed. 'I don't get men in here often and I think I like it that way.'

'So what sort of wishes do you want to grant?' he asked, as if this woman was trying his patience.

'Wishes,' she said, regaining her mystique, material flowing from her arms luxuriously. 'Desires we cannot obtain ourselves.'

'And how do you expect to grant that?' he asked.

'You'll see. Now what is your wish? The very fact that you were able to enter this shop means that you have a wish for me to grant.'

Kurogane did think about it for a second. 'I don't have a wish,' he concluded. 'I'm fine. Can I go now?'

She stared at him, head in hand, smoke from her long pipe drifting away gracefully. 'There must be something you want.'

'Well I can't think of anything,' he said, standing up, growing incredibly irritated with this woman.

'For example, there's someone very dear to you who you've lost contact with,' she finally revealed, realising she would never get the response she required from this man.

He looked towards her, frowning in surprise, suddenly wary. 'What about it?'

'If you're not careful then you'll lose him forever,' she said, simply yet dramatically, holding his attention. She smiled lightly, satisfied as if playing with a toy, a paying customer.

'What do you mean?' he growled, growing slightly anxious.

'You'll never see him again unless you act accordingly,' she informed him, sly grin growing across her face.

'How do you know about him?' Kurogane asked defensively.

'That doesn't matter,' she said dismissively, waving her hand for emphasis. 'What matters is how important you feel this person is to you.'

Kurogane frowned. 'So what are you suggesting if I decide to take up your offer?'

'This isn't a wish I can grant myself. The price for that is too great. However what I can do is tell you what you should do and give you this,' she said, pulling a key from inside a hidden fold in the material draped over her. She held it up to him to demonstrate and pulled it away again as he tried to snatch it. 'The rest would be up to you.' The smoke from her pipe wafted about her, creating a dreamy atmosphere. 'So… are you willing to accept my terms?'

He closed his eyes, thinking before gruffly responding. 'What do you want as a price?'

She smiled secretively, painted lips pressing together, twisting. 'The ring in your pocket,' she said, reaching out a long, manicured finger to poke him in the chest, 'in return for the chance to see the one you love again.'

He stared at her for a while, expression unchanging before slamming a small box down on to the table, spitting, 'Tch! This'd better work, witch!'

***

Once he'd left, a boy appeared to the woman.

'That man … didn't he look an awful lot like…?' he asked uncertainly.

'People live separate lives in different worlds,' she explained. 'The circumstances may be different but the souls are the same.'

She drew once more from her pipe, legs folded over each other, dangling smooth and curvaceous limbs in a rather risqué manner before clapping her hands together and grinning stupidly. 'Watanuki, bring me some sake!'

'What?! You've already been through 3 bottles!'

***

_Note: I love Tokyo Babylon, I really do…  
So will Kurogane return? Will he make it in time? Will he ever see Fye again?  
Stay tuned for the next chapter =O_


	25. Chapter 25

They held a memorial at the school. A pupil and a teacher lost, the sister found dead beneath the tree in the park Yuui remembered so fondly.

Being the last person to see either of them, he was called up for interview several times but every time he found he had surprisingly little to say. While understanding everything he knew nothing. All he knew was that he should be grateful that Seishirou hadn't taken his life. At least not yet, he thought, leafing through paperwork back in his flat.

And although he stood at the side of the hall during the assembly, he felt nothing. A guilty throb perhaps but nothing of the remorse and sorrow he'd predicted at the loss of a close and innocent pupil. Perhaps he'd accepted it as an inevitability but that wasn't like himself. Staring at his hands as he flicked through paper after paper, he became increasingly certain that they were not his own.

He realised acutely that he had been introduced to Seishirou's plan merely as an additional amusement. Like a wind-up toy, walking towards self-annihilation - a psychopath's childish entertainment.

This time he had lost control over his life, who he was and what he did. In the arms of someone different he could protect himself, but now he found himself shocked that he'd never even recognised danger as it had led him into this strange position. Just like before with Ashura.

Strangely, he could see now that there should have been warning signs but at the time the only person he thought was in danger was himself. And he thinks back to that evening he'd allowed himself to be swept away after school by Seishirou, oblivious to the presence of the storm, the violence that the man contained. If he hadn't imagined brutality as being part of the game then he would have been frightened. Instead he'd welcomed the vicious nature of the proceedings with a strange sacrificial warmth. It only occurred to him now that he seeks self-damage. And he felt something rotting at a core when he thought of Subaru exposed to that threat. Not in the same situation, he's sure but that was not necessarily a blessing.

If Ashura had destroyed Yuui then Seishirou had stepped upon the broken pieces, crumbling them in into fine powder, too easily influenced, swept apart by the smallest motion.

And as he lies, staring up to the ceiling, fingers lying limp, he feels something corrode. He wraps his hands around his own arms, not recognising them and feeling the horrible sensation of self-loss. A thing that had slumbered since his childhood, waiting beneath his skin. He'd lived with it for a long time, shaking its presence from memory as if it were a smudge on the wall – always there but not affecting. And now it was as if it had arisen to catch him.

He closed his eyes, took several deep breaths and placed pen to paper, dissolving piles of paperwork in a fraction of the time, snatching at the hands on the clock.

***

_When you get to this address, knock on the door. If he doesn't appear then use the key and enter the flat. The problem will solve itself shortly._

Kurogane stared at the piece of paper lying on his desk, dashed with elegant calligraphy, and the key lying on top of it. Arms folded across the table, he tried to picture that situation. But he couldn't see it. Yuui couldn't be the same person living behind the same door, he was certain of it. His gut instinct was warning him against this woman and her plan, even the very idea of visiting him.

Another part of him refuses to let go no matter how desperately he wishes to. Regardless of what he believes, this person was someone very special to him once and the idea of dropping an opportunity is not too favourable with him either. Most importantly, he felt that he owes this person an apology. Five years ago there was a sickly and underlying sense of loneliness within Yuui and he couldn't picture this having improved dramatically in those years apart. He felt partially responsible for it. Besides, this was also for Fai. All those years ago, promising him that he'd take care of his brother. Come to what? He'd run away.

He groaned, feeling like a coward. All the way to Japan. Now that he had stepped into the doorway of his 30s he could see clearly that he had run all the way to Japan to avoid that boy and his brother's grave, harbouring feelings that changed him, scared his younger self. And when he'd arrived it wasn't as if he'd made a great success of himself. He'd cheated his way into thinking he had a pleasant life, avoiding any chance of true satisfaction in life, more specifically the uncertain territory on the approach. He could kick himself now he realised what had happened. It was almost as if he'd been determined to make that decision he made twelve years ago work to his benefit. It had never turned out well.

In fact that may have been why that witch had taken that ring of all things. Fine, the services of a supernatural creep have got to be costly. Naturally she'd take the most damn expensive thing on him but now he was beginning to see a certain mental tag attached to the ring. Delusion in a nutshell. It wouldn't surprise him if she'd tricked him into thinking deeply about all this psychological shit as well as conning him out of a lot of money. Not as much as the plane tickets though.

He heaved a sigh. This was going to cost him all he had.

This apology might wreck what little he'd built over the last twelve years.

Still, now he'd faced the fact that his life was one big unhappy circle he'd been powering himself, it'd be difficult to go back. Looking at the past, he was growing increasingly frustrated with himself and his actions.

He flipped over the box the ring had come with in his hands, turning over his thoughts, twisting his angles of perception. A risky apology with a past he'd shunned unfairly or the same dull, old twist?

He frowned.

Screw it.

And he picked up the phone.

***

It was a difficult feeling to deny and Yuui buried himself in work to avoid it, paying the most excruciating attention to detail for minor causes, drowning in paper, busying himself with trivialities. This worm, dark and peering, burrowing, refuses to leave him even with his mind occupied, lingering on the outskirts of his consciousness. This darkness seeps into him, burning mind and matter regardless of how much he writes, how deeply he dwells on class plans.

The term will end soon. And he grows worried, too scared to flick a glance over his shoulder to the strange demons lurking at his feet, brushing against his back. He takes an unsteady breath, willing himself not to break into a run. He doesn't know how to handle this. And without his attention, the feeling spawns behind his back. He can feel its presence increasing in weight, growing each day and pressing against his lungs.

And soon it begins to stalk him, becoming involved in his daily routine. He took every step possible to ignore the silent and invisible monster feeding off him. He wasn't sure where he disappeared to once devoured.

Each day a little less of him woke up. The rest had slipped away soundlessly through the night. When he pressed his fingers against an object he could feel them, hollow beneath. And as this numb feeling wandered through his nerves, in his blood, gradually reaching his chest, tears felt like spilling but could never arrive. He stared emptily.

***

Kurogane dropped everything to make that flight. This time he juggled casual attitude with haste and desperation. Growing more and more confused, he didn't know what to believe anymore. No matter, he wasn't a patient person or one to take direct commands. The problem would just have to wait for him to arrive.

Like an afterthought, he remembered the woman's words as if she had been urging him not to stall for time. But he wasn't stalling, he was taking his time. That wouldn't change anything. And he needed this time. This was something big she'd asked him to do, an enormous task he was asking himself to complete. He'd rather have his head in the right place when he boarded that plane.

So he cancelled arrangements, asked for time off work. He gave himself a week to shed personal ties, not knowing what was going to happen from that Monday onwards.

Lying awake he found Yuui's image escaping from his memories and into his mind, shining a clear picture. Secretly, Kurogane realised, he wanted to see him again. No, he needed to see him again. As well as apologise he might as well sort matters between them for once and for all. There would be no more running or hiding.

So silently, when the night was dark and still, when his eyes should have shut long ago, he enjoyed the prospect of seeing that smile once more.

***

If Yuui did smile then it was not himself that did so. It was as if a separate identity resided within the same body, taking over, controlling a physical shell as whatever entity that he consisted of slipped away as he slept.

Silently, he skims through rooms too silent, too cold. Realising something is wrong, he can't put his finger on it, has even less idea how to control it or set it right. It was happening without his consent or will and it was frightening him to tears. A part of him that recognised these things around him, these emotions, had left him as well and without it he was beyond lonely.

He held a picture of his brother in his hands and had to put it away, thinking morbidly to himself that he'd never have wanted this to happen. Looking at these photos, remembering, breathing in a pungent scent containing memories of who they all used to be, he realised that he had been left behind, not having the strength in himself to do what was best for him, create his own opportunities or find those small recesses where he could be happy – a partner, a job. He'd wrecked his own body. As a consequence, he'd melted away, becoming part of the dawn that woke him each morning. He'd watch it, detached.

He tried to reason with himself to go out, to find something. But he didn't know what it was he was supposed to find and he lacked the confidence to search. He wasn't himself. And that may be dangerous if he couldn't control who he was, what he felt.

Contained in his flat he had more time to think, pacing, searching for life. And it led him down a spiralling staircase, disappearing underground where his breath turned to curling clouds of steam, the earth was wet and cold and not a single throb of life could be felt. Tracing each memory like a footstep, he followed a trail into a thick forest, barring him exit. And there he felt numbly his past experiences pressed against his skin. A sensation he could feel faintly as he lay trapped on his sofa.

Slowly, mechanically, he turned over and buried his face in the material, wishing he could feel something he could recognise as himself again.

***

Kurogane had forgotten how long the flight would last. He felt as if he was whittling away chunks of his own life sitting with nowhere to go. It always irritated him. Attempting to sleep, he felt excluded from this luxurious experience bar the odd rare moment. How he ever managed, he wasn't sure. For the rest of the time (however long that was) he sat clutching at a book, reading but the words would never enter his head.

Once off the plane, he was grateful. And somehow fully rested. Perhaps he'd lost track of time and slept longer than he thought he had. It didn't matter. Now he was off the plane, he needed somewhere to go.

He must have been the last person on the flight to leave the airport. He stood for a long time in the cold, on the brink of a country he remembered fondly, guiltily, staring up at the sky. Thick and heavy clouds had been painted to cover the view above with an almost bitter resentment. However the patches left clear were made heavenly blessings for that reason – a jewelled veil of smooth silk, it glittered faintly, as if trying to sleep.

There was no point staying at a hotel. He wasn't on holiday.

Feeling almost as if there was a voice calling him, whispering missions, he climbed into a taxi, leaving for the train station.

***

There was not a human soul outside, not a thing to reach him.

He lay there, breathing words to something he couldn't understand, the thing that held him in its grasp. He felt himself hovering over an abyss, about to be severed from his physical shell. He frowned. He'd not felt its presence in a while now. And yet he knew somehow that it seemed beyond rescue.

For a long time he lay, barely distinguishing time – the hours when he was washed in a golden trace, barely a pulse, and others when he was consumed. The darkness crept closer to his skin, underneath. He could feel it. Each part of his body was beginning to unlink, detaching, spiralling into unknown voids. Soon the last of him would crumble away. Like a long-lost picture, faded both from memory and life.

A complete loss of identity. He lost hope. His hands skimmed lightly over his legs. Those years spent rebuilding himself, only to find himself empty. This silence, a black hole without himself. Following other things and watching, feeling beyond human register. Pieces lay scattered outside.

And he started to cry, tears flowing endlessly, trailing deep down into cushions, into consciousness, voice unused, breath straining. So this was how it felt to lose your soul to nightmares. A ripped shell of a body, a demolished, concrete building, lying in strewn ruins, a broken frame.

Somewhere he understood that he would never return.

In the end this made it easier. Seeking solutions, reprises, he came to find his conclusion several days later. It was found as a meagre voice, a torn thing, a smashed record. He listened to it, separated from his previous rationality, ears pressed to it without even consideration. A promise to a new reality.

Automatically, it was easy.

***

Kurogane had rung the bell but unfortunately there'd been no answer, meaning he'd have to take the hard way around this. Turning the key over in his pocket, he felt its weight and meaning, taking time to get around to using it. He still had barely any idea what it meant, what this 'problem' the witch had mentioned was. If Yuui was out then wouldn't it be best to wait for him? Better still to get the hell out of there?

No, he couldn't leave. It had to be tonight. He wouldn't try to escape from this again.

He lifted the simple key from his pocket, staring at it lying in the palm of his hand, unthreatening and neutral. With a deep, determined breath he inserted it, turned it, pushed the handle. The door swung open without difficulty or anything to note as remarkable or unusual in any way.

He stepped into the home warily, removing his shoes through politeness. Then stopped, with a pang of regret, realising the lights were on.

'Yuui,' he called, shutting the door, wondering if he really was in or not.

Sounds from the kitchen came, ringing through his ears as a sign. As he looked up, he saw bare feet padding through to the corridor, carrying with them a fragile body, shining pale in the meagre light. Yuui stopped suddenly before him, hands clutched awkwardly to chest, eyes widening suddenly and frighteningly open, reflecting the little light at this hour of night.

Kurogane only smiled at the sight of him for a small moment. Something was wrong. A dark suspicion gripped him as he considered stepping forward to greet him, this person he had travelled god knows how many miles to see, a fragment of his past. However he stood warily, judging the situation. Something was wrong with Yuui.

He looked unhealthy. His eyes stared dead like glass, as if they didn't register at all. They displayed nothing, not even a trace of emotion. And they held and maintained an unrealistic degree of shock, as if frozen in position. He gazed forever towards something unimaginable, distraught.

The first sign of life or motion that Kurogane saw – a tear slipping from his eye, trickling down the side of his face.

A drop of blood fell to the floor.

Pushed into action, a fear for the worst drilling into him, Kurogane stepped forward, his eyes narrowing darkly. He reached forward, clasping Yuui's hands in his own, looking towards him as he stared with the same expression, tears pouring from his eyes. His own hands tremble, feeling a sickeningly wet warmth against Yuui's soft skin. Slowly, hoping it was a lie, Kurogane turns over his arms, revealing rivers of blood, streaming, weeping from Yuui's wrists.

***

At times, he wakes from his sleep, an image burning his vision procured from the darkest depths of his memory. He always turns to the figure beside him to check if they're still alive and breathing. Softly.


	26. Chapter 26

The wait was long. The time between taking Yuui's hands and watching his eyes open was undefined, a period spent in a confused whirl. A flurry of motions and emotion. He held him close, hands pressed to wrists, pushing red towels down into the scars.

Yuui had continued weeping, in regret it seemed. Although gently he leant his head against Kurogane's chest, apologising lightly, in a hoarse voice. He smiled a twisted smile, admiring the tools of irony, and grateful just to die in Kurogane's arms. As he closed his eyes, losing consciousness, Kurogane felt something leaving himself, desperate fear snatching at sensibility, refusing to allow him to remain calm. He eventually recognised his frustration, his anger, furious with himself. Clutching Yuui's paling body, shedding his first tears in so long, he blamed himself.

Very soon he could lose Yuui forever. And the thought of him stalling for time, waiting longer to book his flight, staying in a hotel for a night, even considering just a little longer… he didn't want to think what might have awaited him beyond the door. Besides that, he had promised to Fai that he would make sure his brother was alright. And despite all of this, everything that had happened between them, he sat there, holding him close, feeling his shallow breath fading against him, praying that he wouldn't leave like this.

But still, he felt glad to have met Yuui this one last time.

***

Yuui opened his eyes, staring at a white ceiling, hints of blue, breathing deep and steady. Slowly, everything comes back to him. He frowns, doubting himself, analysing the probabilities of suddenly finding those long desired arms wrapped around him, the possibilities of closing his eyes in one place but waking in another. He blinked, his mind turning cogs, increasing in pace, feeling a presence on each arm. Looking down - a red line, encased in plastic, emerging. He was in hospital.

Remaining whole for a second – a period of silence - he felt himself deteriorate, a heart shattering and he began to shake, close to tears. What he'd done. He couldn't understand or even comprehend his own memories. Shutting his eyes tight, one trembling hand held the other tightly, trying to feel the blood beneath. Breath shuddering, sobbing dry sorrow, he tried to find himself amongst what he sensed and felt it. He was terrified. He watched himself again, drenched in his own blood, a person he couldn't recognise or relate to.

He heard a door open and shut, heavily, fraught with anxiety. Yuui turned his head sharply and, as their eyes locked, remained very still, staring towards him, changing completely as footsteps came towards him. Something connected. Slowly, very slowly, breathing tentatively, he shifted his body ever so slightly, facing to the side, relaxing his shoulders, hands pressed flat against him and laying his head down softly, gently on to his pillow, staring towards his visitor. As if he were a rare and short-lived sight, he lay there for a long time, soaking in his image, his shape and form. Finally, his lips pressed themselves into a grateful smile, twisting gently into a lovely and warm shape – an appreciation of small things. Aware of the desolation surrounding them, the light pouring in behind him and uncertain of the reality before him, whether he had created this image or not, he whispered preciously, 'Good morning, Kurogane.'

'Tch,' his visitor snapped, breaking his steady, stone-cold gaze, 'so that's all you have to say?' He sat down beside him in a seat long-occupied.

'No,' Yuui responded, inspecting the bandages around his wrists, moving carefully to avoid twisting the tubing linking him to the machinery, cold and impersonal, gently bringing him closer to life. He accepted the events before him, exposing themselves with clarity. 'I probably don't have much to say but there are things I want to say.'

'Go on,' Kurogane said gruffly, folding his arms, leaning back, having sat in that chair for a long time.

Yuui closed his eyes, glanced to the side, a sense of heavy and overbearing thought overcoming his expression. He smiled lightly. 'I want to know what you have to say too. You came a long way and I'm sorry to put you through this.'

Kurogane frowned, brow creasing, speaking with a bitter and loud, almost shaking tone. 'What the hell were you playing at?'

To his surprise, Yuui laughed, so genuinely and carefree, it touched and skimmed the ceiling. 'I've not heard you speak like that in years,' he said, eyes peering nostalgically, 'but you're right. I'm stupid. And I'm sorry I ever made you worry. I'm just glad to see you back.' He turned his arm over, lips twisting into a thoughtful smirk as he gazed upon the consequences of his actions.

Kurogane stared towards him, eyes wide, slightly stunned by his reaction. 'Who said anything about being worried?'

Yuui's eyes suddenly lifted from his arm to Kurogane's face. He smiled knowingly and whimsically to himself. 'Nobody said anything about being worried, you just seem… really tense. I've upset you, and I'm sorry for that.'

It was Kurogane's turn to pause and to think now. Fumbling for words, he'd expected a fight and he'd expected to have won that fight somehow, anticipating a struggle in opinions, a battle for belief. Now he found himself on the other end of his prediction. He'd visited intending to apologise only to find himself accepting an apology. Confused, he couldn't see why Yuui should have been in any mind to apologise and so he remained in his seat, wordless, without a clue how to steer the conversation back on to its proper course. Defeated simply by a smile, bowled over by Yuui's steady and light hearted acceptance, he had no response.

'Thank you,' Yuui said, shattering the last of Kurogane's preparation, the remains of his solid stance.

'Why thank me?' Kurogane asked suspiciously. 'Shouldn't you hate me for stopping you?'

Yuui shook his head plainly, propping himself upright, wincing as strain was placed against his wrists. Kurogane leant over, reaching towards him, but by then he had already settled. 'No. This changes everything,' he said lightly, then stopped, welcoming silence. He stared towards the ceiling in careful thought, choosing his words with much consideration, plucking them from the mixed tangle of emotions lying above them. His mouth opened and closed several times, about to say something then deciding against it, licking his lips slightly as he burned time, as Kurogane waited, eyebrows raised, for an explanation.

Finally he decided. 'Nothing needs to happen. You could just leave right now and you'd still have saved me. All I needed was a reprise from what I was going through. Right now, I've got time to think things over.' His voice slipped, falling down into a reflective state, a grieving and memorial tone. 'I don't think I really want to die, I just needed a chance to see that.'

'Why did you do it?' Kurogane asked flatly without wasting time, extra words or even breath. Something about the method made Yuui smile another sweet gaze.

Staring down, warmth within his speech, a tone so soft it held an edge, he said, 'I don't know. Something between confusion, fear and exasperation, I guess. But I wonder… I felt like I'd lost myself and I didn't know how to set it right, I suppose.' He tilted his head to the side, eyes staring detachedly, pondering over his own mentality. 'Now that I can think about it with a clear head it frightens me. Then again, I can't explain why my head's suddenly cleared, why I feel I've suddenly returned to normal. That scares me a little too.' He smiled sadly.

Kurogane said nothing, shifting in his seat to a comfortable position, as if telling Yuui without using words that he was prepared to listen to him for as long as he needed. Yuui smiled gratefully and continued. 'Maybe it was a last resort. I was too scared to wait for another solution, perhaps… at the time … I can't remember thinking about what I was about to do. I never even considered what I was about to do, I just did it. So before I realised anything was happening, I was staring at a gaping tear in my left wrist and holding a kitchen knife in the other hand.' He smirked, almost laughing, although Kurogane couldn't find the humour in that image. 'So I couldn't exactly stop there. When you came in, I had already cut the other wrist and was about to fill the sink with cold water.' He looked straight into Kurogane's eyes, lips pursing slightly, smiling apologetically and then breaking into a small laugh. 'You should be grateful I'm not very organised.'

Kurogane couldn't laugh back, even in the intimately awkward atmosphere Yuui procured in his disbelief at his own suicide attempt. He frowned, slightly pained, images surfacing, ugly and polluting rubbish on a clear and perceptible water surface. As clear as he could hope, at least.

Yuui sighed, accepting, realising how deeply he'd caused Kurogane to suffer, even if it never showed physically. Seemingly unreadable, Yuui could feel the nerves of the soft living flesh and tissue beneath the solid, impenetrable skin. He sank into himself, deciding not to lie again. 'If I'm being totally honest though, I'm not sure what to think anymore. I don't want to die but at the same time I can't see any meaning behind my existence. What I did try to accomplish in my life backfired horribly … and I can only blame myself for that.' He turned, facing away for a moment, either in self-shame or consideration.

'And what was that exactly?' Kurogane asked, now growing suspicious, sensing the origin of Yuui's pain, his predicament, his drained body in bed.

Yuui lifted his eyes. They stared with feeble emotion yet retained a steady, certain focus, a strength rising from his stomach, merging with the fluidity leaking from his chest. 'Part of the reason I decided to teach was to make certain no one would have to go through what I did at that age, at least within my own capabilities.' His lips shifted slightly, running over each other wetly and uncertainly. 'But there was a boy in one of my classes… I tried to stop him from making the same mistake that I had before but it didn't work out… it was like the moment was placed right in my hands… and then it just slipped and fell out of my control.' He took in a breath. 'There was another science teacher who must have been targeting him for a while… I started getting suspicious and he gave it away.' He paused, gazing through the air hanging around them, smothered in thought and regret. The light reflected off of it lazily, in a daze.

Thought and necessity pressed into Kurogane's skin, into his arms. Awkwardly, he shifted them as he prompted bluntly, 'So what happened to the boy?'

Yuui glanced, a guilty hue turning over his face. His tongue still lifted, placing sounds, calm and controlled. 'Neither of them has been seen for over a month now. And the boy's sister is dead,' he said, a dislocated and commemorative tone tightening his voice. He frowned. 'I should be dead too.' He closed his eyes, mouth twitching, almost forming a smile but being lost to his thought and his fear. 'That man made me part of his game. I can see that now. He didn't kill me for interfering because he expected me to kill myself after being involved and thinking it was my fault.' He buried his head in his hands, suddenly realising, feeling emotional pain in a sudden flood. Kurogane sat by and waited patiently for him to begin once more.

When he lifted his head, placing his hands on his lap thoughtfully, several tears had come loose and he brushed them away slowly, voice cracking, frightened, saying, 'I nearly let him kill me.'

Kurogane now moved forward, frowning in sympathy, and placed a hand on the top of Yuui's arm, smooth and soft, a smattering of teenaged heart-ache. 'He doesn't control you. You're in charge of yourself.'

Yuui's tears were blinked away, matched by a perked smile, a certain sweetness rising through the dank. He looked up towards Kurogane, holding this smile and nodded confidently.

Nothing to say, Kurogane retracted his hand, staring towards this new person, holding his breath, morphing into a hesitant being.

'Did you wait on me all this time?' Yuui asked lightly, a playful streak emerging, tweaking his expression and tone as he wiped away the remains of his tears.

There was nothing Kurogane could do to disguise the truth and nowhere to hide. He nodded reluctantly.

Yuui's smile took on a shade of gratitude and the words fell from his mouth, shining like pearls. 'Thank you.'

And Kurogane couldn't prevent his mouth from twitching, rising to form a short-lived smile, thankful for Yuui's life and for his voice.

'Do you have somewhere to say?' Yuui asked, a plain and conversational tone slipping into his throat.

Kurogane shook his head. 'Not yet.'

'You could always stay at my place. It's the least I can do,' Yuui offered.

Thinking of money, Kurogane decided not to fight against him. 'Thank you,' he accepted stiffly.

'Actually…' Yuui started with a puzzled expression, 'how did you get into my flat last night?'

'Er… The door was already open,' Kurogane lied quickly, scratching the back of his neck. Whatever, he didn't feel like explaining and Yuui had been a bit of a basket-case at the time anyway so…

He hurriedly snatched back his arm as Yuui frowned suspiciously at him, pitching a high 'Oh…' Something about his reaction gave away that he knew Kurogane was lying, perhaps reading his motions better than others, watching his arm, picking up and translating an old habit. Kurogane had forgotten how well they knew each other; it was surprising to see them both having changed so little after so long.

If Yuui realised then he merely brushed it aside, stretching in his bed with a complacent smile. He leaned forward slightly, resting against folded arms. He tilted his head, smiling angelically, nostalgically, peering into Kurogane's eyes. He watched Yuui, unflinching as he gazed towards him warmly, a strange and unfounded meaning beneath.

Finally he spoke, voice emitting warmth, attempting a simple statement. 'You know the way you speak hasn't changed. It's still the same as when we were young… but your accent's changed.' His mouth slanted slightly to the side, smiling as he watched the past.

And Kurogane stopped, voice not emitting any sound, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't think of what to say. Held by such a simple statement, he felt the sparkling depth in Yuui's eyes and jolted as he realised that Yuui found this endearing, no matter how the comment had emerged on the surface. Withdrawing himself, using his maturity to draw limits on their relationship and conversations, Yuui was pleasant to speak to, easy to be around despite the past. But somehow it felt obvious to Kurogane - Yuui still felt deeply for him.

He gulped and closed his eyes. 'It's been a long time.'

***

Over the following week, dragging on step by step, he remained by Yuui's side, insisting that he'd be there every day for him, somehow grown bolder in his expression over the years. And Yuui's heart soared, unbothered by the challenges facing him – the barrier between him and Kurogane, the presence of doctors, concerned psychiatrists, bemused by his sudden turn in mind, the oppression of his ties with the lost Subaru and Seishirou. He floated, passing these nuisances by, glad merely to be granted one last wish: a chance to made amends. He couldn't quite explain it, but the second he'd lain eyes on Kurogane it was if something had suddenly reconnected within, jolting him back into reality, making him physically aware once more. He owed him his life.

And as his scars healed, the stitches removed, his mind mended, he talked warmly with Kurogane, a firm friend, growing closer each day, finding new things to discuss, untroubled by their former connection. Keeping a steady pace, their ease together grew alongside their strengthening bonds. Very little had changed. They avoided discussions of love-lives, deciding instead to talk about work, life in general, people they knew, things they enjoyed, things they just felt like talking about.

And on the day Yuui left the hospital, having finally shaken off chains and claims of depression, Kurogane had a surprise decision lying, waiting for him.

'Pack some things, we're leaving tomorrow. Maybe the day after,' Kurogane said as Yuui had stepped back into the flat, eyes morbidly being drawn to the remains of scrubbed blood stains on the carpet at first.

Ignoring these reminders, he turned his head sharply to stare at Kurogane questioningly. '_We?_'

'Yes. _We're_ going somewhere,' Kurogane said firmly.

Yuui laughed. 'I just got home! … Where are we going?'

'You're going to have to wait and see,' Kurogane said, holding more fear and impatience in his voice than awe or mystique.

Yuui raised his eyebrows. 'How long will we be away for?'

'I don't know. Just pack a few changes of clothes or something,' Kurogane snapped, immune after living out of luggage for over a week now.

Yuui smiled, although unconvincingly, slightly suspicious, a frown forming on his face. 'You're a very surprising man, Kurogane,' he said, turning away.

***  
_Note: I keep reading that over and thinking Yuui's reaction is so strange but it just seems like the type of thing he'd do. It seems just like our beloved from the original manga's type of reaction – I nearly died =D Is that a new haircut? It suits you!  
I'll sit back and let you enjoy the love soon enough…  
Oh and my friend 1234-I-Declare-A-Dance-War has just posted a new fic that she'd better continue *glare* I adore her style! *blatant advertising*_


	27. Chapter 27

'Okay this is just getting ridiculous now,' Yuui called over to Kurogane, voice straining with frustration. Kurogane had been on that phone for 13 minutes - he'd actually counted on the clock - leaving him completely isolated as he was shut off from the stream of Japanese, a babbling he couldn't understand. 'Japan was an easy guess but _where_ in Japan are you taking me?'

'I'm not saying,' Kurogane muttered, sitting down heavily next to him. 'Then you'd be expecting it and then you'd just ask more questions.'

'And why won't you answer _those_ questions?' Yuui asked, voice taking on a sharper, aggravated edge.

'I can't answer them for reasons you don't need to know. Now shut up. I think I'll go insane if I have to listen to you all the way there,' Kurogane snapped irritably, plugging away at numbers on his phone, pulling himself away from the soul-sucking atmosphere in the terminal.

Yuui sighed deeply. Kurogane didn't react.

'And you don't know how long we'll be. Tell me why I'm even going along with this?' Yuui drawled through boredom, tapping his fingers on the flimsy airport furniture.

'You'll thank me when we get there,' Kurogane growled irritably, still blanking him.

Yuui groaned, throwing himself up off the plastic chairs and walking off, practically in a childish huff. If he could stand to remain there any longer then he would but Kurogane was driving him insane. And the wait – the period spent with him, both of them frustrated and annoyed – dragged on incessantly, digging into his brain as the hours dragged on, minutes maturing into 10s of minutes, into half hours, into hours.

He probably lasted a total of about fifteen minutes apart before returning to the flimsy plastic chairs, a hot chocolate in hand and just as bored as when he'd left. 'You really know how to treat a suicidal maniac to a good time,' he sighed sarcastically, sipping at his hot drink.

'Well you're the one who said he was fine,' Kurogane replied unsympathetically.

Giving in, staring towards the clock hovering above them, the board beyond that. _Delayed._

They sat in silence, staring into obscurity, feeling ones presence clashing against the others and breathing ragged breaths in their anxiety.

'There's something I've been wanting to ask you,' Yuui said with a reluctant sigh, turning to stare him straight in the eye, 'and now's as good a time as any.' He glanced morbidly and in heavy annoyance over to the display board, orange letters glowing, hovering above them omnipotently. 'We've got plenty of time to talk.'

'Go on,' Kurogane said curiously, his tone beginning to lose its aggravated edge.

'Why did you come back and why at that time of night?' Yuui asked him, a strange level of control hanging over his voice, procured from a great deal of thought over the subject, rattling around his skull throughout their time together.

Kurogane stared toward him for a moment before turning away, smirking. 'You apologised to me when I first got here for putting me through all that. You didn't have to; I just did what I could. I'm the one who came to apologise.'

Yuui raised his eyebrows as if to enquire what wrong he felt like putting right, of a great and detailed list, which mistake he felt like saying sorry for.

'Admit it, if I hadn't left then you wouldn't be in this mess,' Kurogane said bluntly and openly. 'You wouldn't have lost yourself.'

Yuui's eyes softened for a moment, taking on a commemorative edge, and he sighed. 'I should hate you but I can't… mostly because I don't blame you.' He narrowed his eyes in harsh, reflective thought. 'We were both too young to make it work … and when Fai died…'

'Well maybe you should blame me,' Kurogane snapped bitterly.

Yuui smirked whimsically, frowning. 'If I did, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't even give you a chance to explain yourself.' He looked away, his eyes taking on a strange light that Kurogane had never seen in them before, shining in fragility yet withholding an enduring stare.

He started simply. 'Before he died, Fai told me to look after you. And I never did. That's the first thing I want to apologise for,' Kurogane said stiffly, emitting a heavy and burdened breath.

Yuui glanced towards him thoughtfully, a serious depth within his stare, a strange and mysterious taint in his smile. 'Shouldn't you be apologising to Fai for that?'

'Yeah well, let's just pretend he can hear us,' Kurogane said bluntly in haste, wanting to cross a few more items off his list. 'The funeral was the worst time I could have left and I'm sorry about that.'

Yuui nodded, almost in agreement, part automatic and mechanical as a ball caught in his throat, shutting his eyes as if driving away tears.

'And you say you don't blame me for leaving but I'm going to apologise for that too.'

'You're making it sound meaningless now,' Yuui sighed in aggravation.

'This one's the important one,' Kurogane informed him sternly.

'… okay, I'm listening,' Yuui responded, voice soft and sleek.

'I treated you like shit,' Kurogane started sharply. 'You were close to me but I took you for granted. So I'm sorry for fucking you about because it was wrong.'

Yuui opened his eyes once more to stare harshly into Kurogane, voice wavering and speaking uneasily. 'Thanks for noticing but isn't it a bit late to apologise?'

Kurogane groaned, rubbing his eyes, sinking head in hands. He gritted his teeth together. There hadn't been much he could have done except hope that Yuui would be willing to accept and move on.

'That's why you're trying to make it up to me, right?' Yuui said with a strong tone, trying to control his expression but his lips perked anyway – rising slightly.

'Yes,' Kurogane answered simply.

Yuui's eyes gleamed thoughtfully, half-lidded, and lips held tightly together as he stared into nowhere. 'I don't blame you for leaving me. We were younger,' he said, voice ringing difficultly, a meaning chiming beneath each word. 'We were both immature. I don't think either of us was prepared for anything that strong. And I was going through a lot at that time. I can't blame you for not wanting to stay with me. It'd be horrible to be chained to something like that at that age.' He closed his eyes, shook his head. 'But you broke my heart … twice. You can't just apologise for that…'

'You think I don't I regret leaving you?' Kurogane snapped. 'This isn't some petty thing – I flew all the way from Japan, for fuck's sake! This might seem half-baked but it means a hell of a lot!'

Yuui nodded slowly. 'I know,' he said almost agitatedly, turning to stare at him sharply, dangerously. Kurogane felt his voice seize, his words grinding to a sudden halt as he felt a new strength within such a fragile being, treading over his skin dominantly, enjoying each motion. Yuui gazed into him, eyes piercing, registering softly. 'It really kills you that I ended up in such a state that I was bleeding all over you… doesn't it?'

Kurogane broke his gaze from him, fists clenching tightly. He bowed his head, shut his eyes, forming the words with difficulty, admitting something deep, close and personal. 'My mother told me once that if I found someone special to me then I should never let them go or I'd always regret it… And I'm not proud of my own actions. I'm not happy with the way anything turned out either. So I'm cutting right back to the roots. I'm starting again with a clearer head and the first thing I needed to do was put right that mistake.'

'That's very practical,' Yuui commented, tongue slipping slyly, sarcastically.

'Well you're not making things any easier,' Kurogane muttered wearily, selfishly.

'Why should I?' Yuui asked cruelly, tone cutting into Kurogane's tightened flesh, heart shivering. However when he turned to face him, he was smirking.

'It's your choice,' Kurogane said with a small smile – carrying a message rather than a meaning – and shutting his heavy eyes, placing his feelings and his life firmly into Yuui's soft palm, feeling his fingers close over them thoughtfully, encapsulating them warmly.

Yuui gazed upwards, eyes opening slightly wider and reflecting light, gleaming, absorbing the world around him with a grateful smile. 'I want to know where you're taking me.' He turned towards him, a glowing grace, an exuberance in his stare. 'One more chance…'

'And what if I abandon you again?' Kurogane asked part jokingly, smirking.

'Then I'll hunt you down,' Yuui said, eyes lidded threateningly, voice slipping both playfully and dangerously. The corners of his mouth tweaked. 'And you'll learn what regret really means.'

Kurogane laughed, smiling thankfully as something cleared from his chest.

***

They felt closer now. And yet these moments waiting in the terminal felt desperately awkward. Each in their own world, their own personal spheres, they wandered about, thinking to themselves, almost frightened to say another word to their other half. It was mostly the slight fear in feeling a set of chains lifted from their shoulders, experiencing a certain freedom and watching it tentatively in excitement.

***

Kurogane watched him on the plane enviously as he drifted off to sleep peacefully, soundlessly. As if the moment the wheels lifted from the ground a heavy daze came upon him, closing his eyes and sending him to sleep. Unlike Kurogane who had difficulty even taking a moments rest in the air. He heaved a sigh and picked out the book from his bag, flicking over the words again, the pressure getting to his head. The next time he lifted his head from the book, Yuui would still be sleeping. Kurogane could hear him – breathing softly.

Shutting the book, he thought of those times when they were young, when Yuui was sleeping. An entire and misleading world, even then Yuui had appeared content in his dreams.

***

'You didn't answer my question,' whispered Yuui, almost an empty breath lacking in sound. Having only woken up minutes before, it seemed to be the thing at the front of his mind. He blinked the sleep from his eyes. 'Not properly at least.'

'How? I told you why I came,' Kurogane said irritably.

'Yes but why go twelve years without doing anything and then suddenly feel like apologising?' Yuui muttered, a sleepy frown pressed into the top of his seat. 'Why fly who knows how many thousands of miles just to say sorry?'

Kurogane looked towards him, frowning, and eventually turned away, speaking and gazing with a new, stricter focus. 'I broke up with my girlfriend just before I left,' he admitted heavily. 'We'd been together for almost two years. I broke it off because I was about to propose but realised I didn't love her. It was pretty meaningless in the end.' He pressed the bookmark tight between the pages and closed the book firmly.

'So why propose?' Yuui asked curiously, hesitantly, head propped in hand.

Kurogane shrugged. 'I liked her. Probably not enough to get married but by then I was pretty determined to make my life go along the right lines. But that would have been a worse mistake than my first.'

'And you came all the way over here to be able to start again?' Yuui finished, smiling in a rather satisfied manner.

'And make amends, yes,' Kurogane said, opening his book again, as if to say he'd explained himself enough.

Yuui pursed his lips slightly, glancing up and down with sleek eyes before stating. 'It just doesn't sound like you to convince yourself that you're happy with a decision though.' His mouth slowly drew itself into a perceptive smile. 'It sounds more like me…'

Kurogane turned to him, taken aback slightly by the comparison, a slight elation as Yuui's smile brightened, delving into their personal lives. 'Tch,' he snapped, snatching himself away from Yuui's gaze, turning back to reading. 'I always hated you for that,' he snarled insistently.

Yuui took his eyes away from him, smiling both fondly and with a strange sense of achievement as the realisation there would be no further response grew steadily.

He thought it was slightly strange that in the end they both weren't happy with their own decisions. Doing what they felt, neither had met with true satisfaction in life. Whether escaping or misinterpreting their own needs, both had confused what they wanted with the correct path, neither identifying happiness in their choices nor aiming for it. Quite the opposite – pushing it out of the way. Only to wreck themselves. It surprised Yuui. Kurogane was so naturally down to earth and self-assured. At least when he knew him. Must have been that old desperation to be free, to be new.

Yuui's fingers automatically moved to fiddle with the watch on his left wrist, lying awkwardly over a different side than before. Beneath the strap, his fingers brushed against a harsh line from time to time – a newly developing habit. It wasn't only Kurogane who tried to blanket the past with time.

Looking back towards him, his lips tweaked to form a small smile. Fast asleep.

Something small glowed within Yuui. Eyes caught sight of a new beginning.

***

The first thing Yuui noticed was the pile of dishes lying on the draining board, the clothes fallen limp over chairs, the broken smoke alarm taken apart and scattered in pieces around the room…

'This is home. Make yourself comfortable. You can sleep in my room before we leave again. There's not much room,' Kurogane said, flat and toneless, pushing past him and dumping his bag on a table standing just before the door.

'This isn't it?' Yuui asked, standing self-consciously with his own bag.

Kurogane never responded, too busy swearing to himself, picking through the fridge and discarding food into a nearby bin. Perhaps he'd left in a hurry, but then again he might just be completely disorganised. Yuui moved over, turning the tap on and searching for washing up liquid.

Standing in a new world, his eyes had opened wide at first, both frightened and excited in he middle of foreign shapes and sounds. Standing beside Kurogane, however, he felt strangely calm.

***

Twice, Kurogane knocked on the door of his bedroom to open it and find Yuui sitting upright with his shoulders relaxed, hands folded loosely over one another and staring, eyes held in a mysterious fascination. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he stared at the country beyond the window. The bright beacons of the city, the golden light of the rising sun falling upon him, his pale skin glowed, a similar content warmth held within. And the first time Kurogane happened upon this scene, sat next to him on the bed to stare outside his window facing the dirty, slithering mess of the sparkling star of Tokyo – a symbol of his dissatisfaction in life, a drab and sprawling centre of motion emotionally disconnected – Yuui turned to him, a smiling face full of wonder, a beautiful, vibrant metropolis in his eyes breathing the life into his sleepy veins.

'I think it's lovely,' he explained.

***

And yet the thrill of the city wasn't imprinted on to his memories, held close. At a simple pace, lacking enthusiasm completely, he was shown around a few sights, climbed the tower, but at a level of interest too dull for tourists. They travelled merely for something new and hiked the city searching for something very old and lost in this newborn environment together, things that neither of them had been able to find alone. Bustling past the essence, Yuui cherished a born-again intimacy and small moments of warmth – a path beneath their feet, stepping underneath fresh, green leaves, a shattering field of pigeons, thrown to the air, when everything was quiet for once and he could hear the others breath. The sun shone on their skins, revealing something unexpectedly new.

The low lights in the restaurant glowed, bringing them closer to one another, their souls held nestled in a beautiful atmosphere to admire each other. Perhaps this was the scent of love that both had lacked over the harsh years. The food was Italian and therefore Yuui needn't embarrass himself using chopsticks … again. Although the memory held sweet notes.

Standing as a pair at the door to the flat, Yuui's shoulder brushed against Kurogane's arm, his heartbeats rapidly coming closer together, willing for union. And as far as he could tell, Kurogane was the same. An expression of slight unease, awkwardly holding himself with his fingers pressed too tightly around his key. The movements in opening the door were stiff.

His face skewing into a look of hesitant indecision, Yuui touched Kurogane's arm as he followed him in. Kurogane turned and their eyes met, confirming each other's suspicions.

'Kurogane…' Yuui breathed, unsure what would come after. 'Kiss me', 'Hold me', 'Love me again'…

He was silenced as he stood on something, jumping and taking a few paces back, looking down towards the ground.

Kurogane reached down and picked up the set of keys from the floor. There was also a slightly ripped note in Japanese shoved underneath the door alongside the set of keys. Kurogane unravelled it and began reading as he paced away, making complimentary grunting noises if a particular part provoked a reaction.

Yuui looked away, almost embarrassed.

They lived the rest of the night in trivialities, small conversation and personal routine with the noise of the TV in the background despite their personal disinterest. Neither of them felt that spark again that night - they both seemed to have lost sight of it somehow.

Kurogane went to bed on the sofa, having told Yuui that they would leave the next day. Yuui fell asleep in Kurogane's bed, for once in his life not feeling alone. And who knows when Kurogane last aired his mattress, but it didn't bother him. He fell asleep, a slight gem of hope nestled within, a content smile playing on his face as he breathed in his scent, holding soft thoughts close to himself and awaiting a new day.

***

He climbed into Kurogane's car that morning a single man.

***  
_Note: I've never been to Tokyo or even Asia so I hope my description was alright there!  
Please Enjoy and Review! (Haven't said that in aaaaages! It feels almost overdue)_


	28. Chapter 28

Jetlagged, Yuui slept for a little of the long journey and read to pass the rest of the time. Kurogane threw glances to the silent man beside him now and again, unsure whether to be concerned or pleased that he was allowing him to take him somewhere far, far away without question. Now and again, Yuui would stare outside the window, taking in the unfamiliar countryside outside the car, framing the quiet roads. The altitude gradually increased.

They stopped once. Not so much for a pause or a chance to stretch their legs than a visit to a supermarket. Once again Kurogane noted that Yuui did not question it or how long the trip would last.

As silent as their surroundings, they felt peace etch its way into their souls at its own pace. Frankly, there was no use for words if they had none to say and still felt somehow connected. Once or twice, Yuui would make a remark or ask a question. Kurogane would reply simply. Nothing special. And still, they felt warmth digging into their skins, a human closeness.

The crumbling of the disused road beneath the tyres snapped through their tranquillity. The door slamming shut was comparatively violent to the peace.

Yuui blinked, emerging from a daze. He stared out the window and lowered the arm he'd been leaning his head against to open the car door as he watched Kurogane disappear up a path. He stared up a slight slope to a wooden home, holding the car door in his hands.

Kurogane, key in hand, made his way to the door. Unlocked, it swung open with ease. As he made his way back, Yuui called out to him, 'Are we staying here?'

'Yeah,' Kurogane said, grabbing bags of shopping from the boot. Yuui followed, hesitantly copying, matching his footsteps through the door and into an atmosphere – clicking footsteps, dust burdening the light, clean air. 'This is the summer home my parents owned together when I was a kid. We'd come stay here in the holidays. Even when they split up, we still sometimes spent the summer here with other family,' Kurogane said, undaunted by the strange and holy atmosphere within the disused building.

'So this is a very personal place to you,' Yuui said in slight awe, gazing around at the old, used furniture. Something very strong and heartfelt ached through the simplicity of his surroundings.

'It's been a while since I've been here. My dad started renting it out,' Kurogane said plainly, down to earth. It would have taken a very close person to sense a tiny ringing of emotion in his voice

'Why did you take me with you?' asked Yuui softly. 'I know you want a chance to start again and this seems like a good way to do it but wouldn't you be the kind of person to prefer solitude?'

Kurogane shrugged, leaving to lock the car. Although it probably would have remained untouched over the night, so deep was the surrounding quiet. When he came back, he asked, an attempt at a blank tone but emerging bitterly reluctant, 'I thought you wanted another start too?'

'True,' Yuui said, leaning against a worktop. He decided not to touch upon the subject again, instead asking, 'How far is it to the nearest village?'

'There's no-one for miles,' came the response.

***

During the remainder of the afternoon and the evening, they unpacked and grew accustomed to their surroundings - overgrowing grass, the sounds of summer, the shade of the tall trees and the sigh of the mountain as it turned in its sleep.

Like skipping through worlds, this secret haven was something new, unidentified and kept beneath hushed breath. So much so that Yuui wasn't quite sure where exactly they had crossed from the last world to the next.

He gazed out the window in thought, admiring green and verdant scenes, beyond a mere picture – something that held physical presence even so far away. As if he could reach out towards it, touching, holding a place so peaceful yet retaining a pulse. He hoped to feel it beneath his fingertips, gently breathing.

That night Kurogane took the bedroom he had slept in as a child. Yuui remained in the room with his favourite view – a treasured image in future. He lay on the bed for some time before falling asleep, staring out into the open, to the steep, unforgiving environment somehow containing a small sense of wonder and living sympathy.

The trees rustled in a slight wind.

***

On the first day they made themselves familiar with their surroundings, treading through unused footpaths, up the hills, past the trees, ancient ferns skimming at their shins. They plucked through the forest, glancing back every so often to ensure they knew their way back, anxious that the wilderness may swallow them whole.

They made small conversation, soft and untroubled. They laughed quite a lot with a freed tether. Their unease gradually abated.

'You've got the same laugh,' said Kurogane, a thing on his mind, free to say it in their new, open environment. There would be no consequences.

'Does that matter to you?' Yuui asked curiously, a humoured smile playing on his lips as he looked back down the hill towards Kurogane, a tree clasped in his hands.

'I suppose not,' Kurogane said with a frown, making his way towards him.

Yuui remained silent and as Kurogane passed him, he noted a thoughtful look upon his face, blonde hair untouched by nature. 'I don't want to talk about the past if necessary,' he said then paused, following Kurogane up the hill and beginning to appear slightly flushed at the climb. 'I want to move on with my life. And I'd like to start by forgetting the past that held me back.'

Kurogane thought for a moment, staring straight forward, before responding, 'Same here.'

***

As the setting sun graced the edges of the horizon, they settled down into sofas, silence eating at their ears. In this world, there was only the two of them, alone amongst the trees, whispering their secrets to themselves.

Curled up in the warmth and the atmosphere of peace and serenity, they felt free to talk about themselves, brushing against the edges of their consciousnesses. These were areas they'd barely touched upon before and there was a certain hesitance in talking about them; a fear of suddenly finding something new within themselves, of tripping and falling into something unknown about their own minds.

Yuui frowned thoughtfully as his fingers teased at a loose thread in the sofa.

Kurogane rested his head back, an increasing sense of closeness building within him before saying, 'Sometimes I remember Fai and wish I still knew him. Things became more confusing without him for some reason.'

He raised his eyes, immediately regretting his words as he saw the pained expression within Yuui's eyes.

Yuui inhaled, readying himself for his own admission. 'To me,' he said, slowly, each syllable crafted thoughtfully and pronounced certainly, 'the decades in my life are entirely separate. From the year we were born to the age of 10 we were inseparable. Our lives were one life. From the age of 10 to the year he died … we began to split off in our own directions. We still spent a lot of time together, knew each other well but there was a distinction between us. Those last few years until I hit 20, I was so alone. And then I began to realise… that maybe if things had continued that way, in this decade I may have been separated from him entirely. We'd have been living our own lives. That thought of being distant from him while we were both still alive frightened me slightly.'

Kurogane paused, absorbing the depth beneath his words. 'I thought you said you didn't want to talk about the past.'

'I think this is necessary,' Yuui said, nodding lightly, voice beginning to crack. 'There must be things that we both need to talk about to move on.'

Kurogane closed his eyes, taking his turn. 'I think Fai's death has a lot more to do with me leaving than I think. He helped me a lot… he kept me steady really. I would have been alone with you and you were incredibly instable. Still are.'

Yuui laughed. 'You know there are some substances in the world that will remain unchanged for thousands or years and others that will blow up the second you brush a feather over them. Maybe this comes from everything I learnt at university but there's a certain amount of respect and attention to be paid to everything.'

'Where did that come from?' Kurogane asked.

Yuui shrugged, taking a sip from a mug held in his cautious hands.

***

On the second day they became determined to reach the top of a certain hill and became less frightened by physical contact.

The path was long and steep, a bird sang in the air and Yuui struggled under the unfamiliar humidity. But the tranquillity had taught Kurogane patience by now. He remained beside Yuui, waiting for him to cool down as he rested against a tree.

'Have you ever been anywhere this hot before?' Kurogane asked, passing him a bottle of water. He himself was finding it difficult to progress with any speed under the heat but Yuui was flushed red, sweating unreasonably. And he wasn't an unfit person by any standards.

'No … Well, I spent a few summers working in France and it came close to this. But it wasn't so humid and I didn't have to climb a hill as steep as this,' he smiled.

'Do you want to go back?' Kurogane asked concernedly.

Yuui shook his head, breathing deeply and staring towards his feet.

Kurogane stood, waiting on him, actually slightly relieved. Any longer and he may have started to struggle as well. At his level of fitness, in his mind-frame, he was glad to have avoided that embarrassment. 'So what do you mean by working?'

'Well,' Yuui started, taking a glug of water, 'when I was a student and even when I was a teacher I had no family to return to during the holidays. So I decided to start working part-time jobs in places like bars abroad.' He shrugged. 'I liked the change of scenery. People liked me well enough and I got on well with them. I didn't have to form any close ties and I came back with half a language under my belt. Plus the money wasn't too bad. If I found a good balance between work and sight seeing then I'd have made a profit out of the whole thing.'

'I can see the appeal,' Kurogane responded, glancing over his shoulder to the view behind him.

Yuui followed his gaze languidly then started to make his way back up the hill.

Kurogane quickly followed, wordlessly.

***

At the top of the hill, Yuui lay sprawled on the ground staring up towards the clouds. His breathing edged towards frayed and overlapping but he seemed content enough gazing towards the full blue sky, interrupted by majestic and overblown clouds, pure and white.

Kurogane paced about, staring out towards the other hills, remembering the times his parents would bring him here. His dad would sometimes carry him part of the way.

'Come join me, Kurogane,' Yuui called playfully.

'Do what you want, I'm not getting my back dirty,' Kurogane said with a tired and grouchy tone.

'Kurogane, you're no fun,' Yuui giggled, tugging at the bottom of his trousers.

'And you're acting like a kid,' Kurogane said, tipping a little of his water out teasingly, splashing Yuui's arm.

'And? What about it?' Yuui asked, seemingly pleased with his immaturity and shaking the water off his arm.

Kurogane stared down towards him. Yuui seemed so happy in a simple freedom. He relented, sighing and sitting heavily beside him on the ground, staring at the same view.

He felt a hand tugging at his arm. He groaned and leaned back, heat hitting the dust beneath him. But the hand never let go. He turned his head, turned to see Yuui staring with a surprised look behind his eyes towards his hand clasped around Kurogane's muscled arm.

Yuui's fingers felt the firmness in Kurogane's arm, the strength it contained, the warmth it created. He pressed them slightly into the other's skin, testing unidentified borders, lodging part of his own identity into Kurogane's skin.

'Yuui,' he said, as if trying to bring him to sense, but quickly found himself under the same spell as his arm moved over to hold the top of Yuui's, clasping him near the shoulder. As Kurogane wrapped his fingers around Yuui's arm, they slid across smooth arms, like beautiful silk.

Something unspoken yet deeply poetic.

Yuui stared deeply into his eyes, as if calculating, trying to figure something out. Awkwardly, Kurogane felt himself returning that gaze and slowly, gradually a slot clicked within his mind telling him that they'd not held each other in so long.

Eventually, Yuui leant forward to rest his head on Kurogane, pushing his arms forward to wrap around his body. Kurogane did the same, holding Yuui close to him, heart beating perhaps in lust, perhaps in panic. He held him tight. Memories slipping into mind, breathing into his veins, increasing his pulse, hitting, kicking nerves. They ricocheted around his body. He'd held him like this before, before when Yuui was sobbing against him, when he'd needed comforted, when he was bleeding to death against him and as he'd shifted slowly beneath his arms, creating, moulding something from Kurogane's body…

He gulped.

'Sorry, I just felt like talking to you like this, on the ground,' Yuui finally said. They both blinked in confusion, aware suddenly of their uncertainty of the passing of time.

'So much for talking,' Kurogane said, hands pressed into the soft, warm skin of his back, a delicate pulse beneath.

Yuui laughed awkwardly. Kurogane could feel it reverberating through his fingers and into his chest.

At long last, Yuui stood up, admiring the view and beaming down to his travelling companion, an expression conveying that he felt that whatever had needed to be achieved in climbing this hill was now done, dusted, over with.

Kurogane got up and followed him back down the steep hill, expressionless and wordless, uncertain whether he was grateful for this new wave of romantic tension or not.

***

They both read, one in English and the other in Japanese. Yuui sat, growing increasingly restless, flicking pages back and forth, looking away, shifting in his seat, leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling. He finally gave in.

'I'm going to bed,' he said, shutting the book heavily and discarding it on the table beside him, obviously exhausted.

'Goodnight,' Kurogane said as he watched him disappear into the bathroom.

Suddenly he realised he was disheartened at the small departure.

***

On the third day they took a picnic in the shade at the bottom of the valley and kissed for the first time in five years.

They wandered through the lower sections of the valley, following a worn and dazed river, whole and bulging, satisfied in the results of its struggle through the mountainous pathway. Inside they floated, souls unconsciously elated by the beauty surrounding them. It was perhaps the most carefree either of the pair had been in years. The scrape of stones beneath their shoes, a gurgle of water, chirping of cicadas, leaves brushing against each other, sighing and holding hands. Yuui inhaled each and every time his arm touched Kurogane's accidentally. He felt like a child once more. As if the clock had rewound.

And Kurogane was no less enthused becoming absorbed in this feeling of perfect peace and liberation. Freeing himself of weight and burden, cut off from responsibilities and overbearing concerns, looking upwards for the first time – it would be sentimental to say but removed from the drawling, lapsing grime he could see now the world contained some touching, heartfelt corners.

However his arms were drawn in, held stiff and tightly. It brought about less contact; it made certain that he would never lose himself.

Quite the contrary, Yuui revelled in losing his inhibitions.

'I've not been anywhere this quiet in years,' Yuui whispered in fascination, eyes skimming over views of precious flowers, tiny in their existence, swarmed by the lush grass, smelling like life.

'Tch, you live in a ghost-town compared to me,' Kurogane muttered, his hardened self slowly succumbing to the serenity embedded within the soil as Yuui fumbled over grass, laying himself down and sighing for a moment, resting with his eyes closed, placing his head down somewhere Kurogane couldn't see, before setting out their food.

Until then, Kurogane gazed upon him, a soul like a butterfly resting upon a leaf – content without comprehending how lucky it truly is merely to breathe. A feeling began to arise in him: is there such a thing as luck? Or is there only the inevitable outcome.

Setting himself down on the soft grass, staring over to pure white, smooth hewn arms rested behind a head, a mess of golden silk threads, two thick, ugly, red strokes across his wrists… he wondered what the outcome may be for both of them.

***

They lived in a daze for an afternoon, breathing in air that was too tired under the sun, in the heat. Talking dreamily, stretching their limbs, pressing themselves into the pure and untouched blades of grass, immersing themselves in green. This was a new life that they'd been blessed with.

Kurogane was now uncertain. It was unclear how this inevitability was produced, how it was created, where it was born. Maybe you even created it yourself but it narrowed down to this – if fate is controlled by actions won't you be satisfied with your destiny if you're the one controlling those actions and shaping your future into something you desire? Screw the consequences. He could control his fate in the end.

That type of thinking created the moment, thinking back. If not, he'd have been too hesitant, too frightened of consequence and control. Finally he began to understand the requirement to throw himself away, to become something he'd always needed to be, to find something he'd always needed to hold in his arms.

Deep in these mountains, there was only the two of them and what they pleased to do.

The food was gone, they both lay in the grass, under the shade, flickers of sunlight, mottled shade encompassing them both. A bug droned lazily past and Yuui smiled serenely, breathing a contented breath, at ease. His body like art, in his voice a quietened melody and on his face a beautiful expression of light-hearted bliss, grateful for a fresh world.

And as Kurogane stared towards him, he accepted desire with open arms. Taking control, no more lies.

It was something beyond explanation – a sudden movement, legs shifting on impulse.

He leant over Yuui, palms held flat against the gently yielding grass on either side of him.

And Yuui drew in a breath, eyes fluttering open to stare widely as Kurogane hesitated, frozen to the spot and uncertain of his own actions. He could not move himself or even follow out his plans and desires save to reach out and hold the side of Yuui's face, lightly stroking his cheek with his thumb, as if beholding something rare and remarkably precious.

Yuui's chest seized, breath held, frightened to move lest the moment crumbled at his fingertips, leaking into the air, leaving behind nothing except more bitterly regretted memories and a biting sense of loneliness. Not again and not anymore.

Slowly, uncertainly, he lifted up his scarred and slender arms to wrap them gently around Kurogane's neck, touching softly. He treasured this time with care and delicacy, appreciating everything within Kurogane, his will, his care, his immovable, unshakable nature and his newfound acceptance.

He breathed in, closed his eyes; Kurogane watched him, mesmerised by every miniscule motion, the hair slipping across his forehead as he moved, the graceful shapes and arches of his lips and neck, the soft flicker of his eyelids, concealing beautifully clear and sparkling eyes.

In one sacred moment, Yuui pulled him closer, merging together lips spent so long apart.

At first, touching lightly, a ray of sun warming their skin soothingly. Skimming over their bodies, they began to melt, falling into each other fluidly. Lips shifting carefully. Their fingers pressed gently. Tenderly, afraid, they felt desire, love burning their insides rising through them, gradually ripping and tearing. Consuming them, the rest of the world became shut away, trapping them inside themselves, Kurogane's hands slipping down to clutch Yuui's sides. They weren't children anymore. As their mouths opened wider they grew certain.

Yuui gripped Kurogane tightly against him, their hands unmoving, minds occupied, concentrating on the feeling welling up within one area. Their joined mouths shifting in unison – one a perfect inverse of the other. Something slotted into place within them. As if there was no gap between them, they slipped together perfectly. One held the other, treasured and desired equally. The wet taste and beauty within themselves. Wrapped in a wonderful physicality, immersed in splendour and a pressing urge. Neither held back, neither scared of boundaries. This was meant to be. Their lips coming together, reacting as one. A flock of birds arising within their bodies. A trail of water, trickling down Kurogane's back, causing him to shudder ever so slightly, as Yuui's fingers trailed across his body. He pressed himself down more heavily, introducing more of himself, as if trying to push their very existences together and overlap them. Contradicting, fingers stroking the back of his neck delicately, softly, responding by running his hands down Yuui's raised arms, skimming and absorbing everything adored inside of him. They breathed as little as possible, concerned only with their linked movements, their moment in time, their bodies shared between the two of them. The taste of tongue in their mouths, a body shifting either beneath or above, reacting in satisfaction, held by pleasure and relief.

And when it was time to return neither of them quite understood what had happened.

***

The night was awkward. They spent it silently, separated and within their own personal spheres before wishing each other a good night and retiring to their individual rooms.

***  
_Note: Good timing or what? I'm normally not that into Valentine's (when I had a boyfriend to give a present to I obviously didn't get this whole romantic gift concept at all) but it was nice to post that chapter today of all days.  
And I understand that the section about inevitability and controlling outcomes doesn't actually work but I like the simplification that this setting brings and it seemed to go hand-in-hand. I really enjoyed writing and creating this different atmosphere._


	29. Chapter 29

_Note: Okay it's a bit obvious what route this is going to down, I'd just like to say that I wouldn't write anything I see as unnecessary – everything with a meaning =)_

***

On the fourth day they traversed meandering footpaths and grew adamant to be together once more.

The sun on their backs and their lips, they talked a little, mostly determined to understand more about the other, cross the gap that time had created between them. One time and a few others, locking lips, touching skin, holding arms and bodies, reaching for hands. Yuui's laugh echoed through the trees, ringing delightfully in Kurogane's ears. He reached over and kissed him. Small; sharp.

A spring in their step, across burbling streams, chasing. Sometimes they found themselves much closer – noses brushing lightly before kissing romantically. They kissed lightly in humour, passionately under trees, enjoying the feel of skin beneath their fingers, never wanting for much more; happy simply in the pleasure of this small blessing. It was a miracle they were together at all.

Despite being 29 and 30, their innocence seemed to glow, shunted right back to the days where hand-holding or undoing a button was a hugely monumental event, like an explosion shaking the earth. And now they found themselves in the same position, rediscovering, touching and adoring lust within each other, brushing pin pricks of desire felt just beneath their skin. They would take this, enjoy it, savour it, slowly and appreciatively turning it over their tongues and taking one step at a time, feet moving together, as one.

They pressed into each other, not phased at all by the other's close proximity, grateful as it allowed them the freedom to do as they felt together. Falling into a deep canyon, stretching to unfathomable reaches, there was no one here to stop them as they kissed, as they held each other, nothing to fear and nothing to wait for. Just them alone with their desires and the decision to either abandon or follow them. Now they had begun, there was no chance to turn back – they'd already started again.

In each other's lips, in their bodies, they felt a warmth echoing the tranquil heat around their physical selves and a happiness neither of them had succeeded in finding before that day. They edged closer towards each other.

A couple again, they exchanged adoring, lavishing holds, deep and meaningful kisses that night. Nothing more, lacking the fast-paced instinct in their blood. Merely a sweetly held and loving intimacy, ignoring tension in preference to touching upon the other's soul, clasping it fondly in their hands, cherishing their beautiful relationship.

They fell in love again - they could feel it trembling deep within themselves. And they were happy to appreciate this in simple peace.

***

On the fifth day they travelled a bit further up-stream and made love for the first time.

By then they'd begun to sense more about each other's bodies – seeing them now deeper than before.

They were quieter, hushed, had less to say now that they'd taken each other in their arms and opened themselves to them. The silence began to physically harm and pierce them. When they closed the gap between them, bringing their lips together, they felt no longer satisfied with simplicity, feeling driven towards something greater and inexperienced as of yet. All of a sudden, they'd jumped a gap in time. Perhaps the day before had been their fresh start, returning them to where everything had begun to fall apart, and now they'd been thrown back into their adult bodies, requiring much more for their lust to be quenched.

However the movement was too sudden. It was difficult to adjust to and that day became much less appreciated and more awkward, holding themselves in, unsure whether they should allow themselves to become carried away or restrain their throbbing impulses. The day before the borders of their actions were previously visited grounds, easily plundered without fear or guilt. Now they realised their mistake in their haste, sensing another body near them without another for miles, unable to go back and not wanting to return again.

Every time they kissed they felt a sudden desperation to stop, unable to continue. It couldn't go on like this. Their bodies would touch but the result would not be enough. It left a small emptiness behind.

They made small conversation, much quieter and more hesitant than before, perhaps made shy and awkward by the change in mood and pace, suddenly grinding to a halt. By the end of the day, they both seemed exasperated, unsure how to tackle the situation – neither had felt this way for anyone before and possibly never again. They still held each other for a little while, trying to gauge the strength of emotions lying within them, if it held any purpose or meaning beyond mere desire. If their lust was founded in any way. They felt scared to express themselves in their own world, under daylight, too exposed. And if they were to take another step they would have to take it together, in utter certainty.

The melancholy wore off as the sun began to set.

Kurogane sat, leant forward, a book in his hand, although it was clear he'd not looked upon the words in a while now, too immersed in thought. Staring at him for some time before picking up the courage, Yuui walked over, sat next to him stiffly and placed one of his hands over Kurogane's.

'Have you ever felt the way you have the past few days?' he asked him curiously, although with a glint of confusion in his eyes, upsetting him, twisting his mind until he didn't know what to think or do anymore.

Staring him in the eyes, Kurogane responded simply. 'No… have you?'

Yuui shook his head. 'How does it compare?'

'With what?' Kurogane asked, understanding fully but avoiding the answer.

'With any other relationship you've been in?' Yuui asked, voice still wavering in uncertainty.

'Weird,' Kurogane replied before giving it another moment's thought. 'Like I don't have much of a say in what I do. How does it feel to you?'

Yuui closed his eyes, smiled weakly, the corners of his mouth perking into an anxious smile. 'Perfect.'

'Perfect?' Kurogane asked in slight disbelief, in fear, to clarify the answer, as if to give it a better grounding.

Yuui nodded, smiling towards him. 'Perfect.'

They both stopped, stared for a moment, expressions blank, a realisation slowly dawning upon them that they were at their peak, more enamoured than they may ever be. And so there was nothing to fear.

It was an unspoken agreement.

Kurogane pulled Yuui in towards him, embracing him strongly, holding him in a deep kiss. It developed quickly. Their hands clutching each other, never to let go, mouths held fast together. They dropped fear and inhibition, hearing it shattering against the floor, Yuui's legs slinking forward, moving past Kurogane's body so he could feel everything about Yuui pressed against him. The pace quickened, Kurogane feeling him through shirts, a barrier. Their hands scoured their bodies, in search of that desired touch, fantasised, dreamed up over that day. The firm hold of muscles or the smooth shifting of limbs, supple and smooth like silk.

Passionate beyond understanding, Yuui's palms came to rest against the top of Kurogane's neck, skimming beautifully across and clasping him, fingers seeping into his dark, coarse hair and so it went until he slowly let go, feeling Kurogane's own fingers teasing at the neck of his shirt. Lightly tickling his skin, brushing against it in an unidentified aura of precious delicacy, a beloved intimacy held deeply within. He took a deep breath. And Kurogane pulled him upwards.

Immersed now in air rather than flesh, he felt unnatural and cold, suddenly out of place. His heartbeats became unbearably close as Kurogane opened the door to his bedroom and led him through.

Taking his time, he stared towards the bed for a moment, breathing in the manner of the situation, feeling it impact in his chest. Never before had he slept with someone and meant it, felt they truly mattered to him.

Kurogane's arms wrapped around him and he felt immediately encouraged, stroking his hands gently with his fingers, a disbelieving look in his eyes.

'Do you want this?' Kurogane asked, in slight doubt.

'This is all I've ever wanted for years,' Yuui said, voice trembling in emotion, the meaning to his words lying deep within him, finally escaped having died alongside Fai.

Gently, Kurogane took him, kissed him, held him, as if he were the only thing that had ever mattered. And Yuui responded softly, feeling every motion being procured from somewhere deep within his bones. Something delicate – a ship within a bottle, a single feather. That slight brushing of lips, fingering the hems of Kurogane's shirt… every movement was small but held an infinite wealth of gratitude and emotion.

Fingers skimmed lightly over his neck, brushing the edges of his shirt tantalisingly, connecting briefly and adoringly, sensing his skin as beyond living matter. Yuui held his breath as his shirt was removed, lips pressed to his neck, setting him alight, slowly, wonderfully, feeling his insides burning and glowing.

Everything in slow motion, he remembers his fingers, trailing, digging into Kurogane's bare chest, perfect in every muscle, as he was pulled inwards. His hands skimmed automatically to the top of Kurogane's trousers.

Yuui pressed forward, piquant in nature, his skin tickling and pulsating on Kurogane's tongue, sides caressed by loving hands, all the time soothed by a deeply rich sense of meaning between them. Two natural partners, balancing each other in perfect harmony.

Laid down on a bed already containing fragments of Kurogane's past, soon part of his future. Above, a body, wonderful in its perfect structure, causing his breath to rupture, his eyes to wander, his hands to tremble and his lips to open as Kurogane presses into him. Never before feeling such a desperate urge to lose either his self of his control, desiring everything within his childhood sweetheart. For the first time, he reveals himself, allowing Kurogane to push into places, depths of his being that he feared to grace alone, pleasure rising within, responding to being touched, being held, being loved.

***

Moving through impulse and basic lust only, feeling himself swallowed by a tide emerging from nowhere, pulsating every nerve in his body, causing his heart to beat out of control, blood flowing wildly through his veins. He barely notices the impact of his actions as he works the top of Yuui's trousers, ripping them off his body like a blemish, smearing, marring a beautiful portrait. He immediately falls into it, feeling the flesh he so desired beneath every pore. Roaming hands pushing down his legs, his mouth pressed to his neck, he can feel his every shaking breath. But feeling a disruption, he stops, feeling almost guilty, lifting his mouth from Yuui. Finally registering something important. A dark secret.

Yuui stares deeply into him. And smiles. He reaches forward, kissing his ear and delicately lifting his right hand, smooth and elongated fingers clasping it lightly and adoringly, placing it back down on his thigh and forcing his fingers down to run along the scars in his leg.

Warmly enveloped, pressing his fingers into a human recess of his own accord, Kurogane suddenly feels overwhelmed. Touching upon those scars, a deep horizontal bar cutting into the upper part of Yuui's legs, he feels invited into a childhood, becoming immersed in a forgotten past. Pain and anguish seeping through like rain, he welcomed it warmly, allowing it to pierce him, absorbing Yuui's being, merging it with his own, as if soothing it. Something he never understood before.

His hands move on. And Yuui's body trembles slightly now, whether in pleasure, joy or difficulty in slowly giving away his own soul to another after so long alone, Kurogane isn't sure. But he presses their lips together softly, as if saying without words that this was what needed to happen all those years ago. Sharing each other, Yuui wraps his arms around Kurogane with nothing separating them now, flames flickering and burning brightly, out of control under his skin. Lips burning, their flesh comes close together, dangerously, excitingly close to merging.

Kurogane falters again, pausing above Yuui, his fingers halted. And Yuui pushes away slightly only to move nearer to his chest, leaning forward to whisper into his ear, 'This is the first time you've had sex with another man, isn't it?'

Kurogane couldn't respond. His voice was caught in his throat, merely allowing Yuui to shift about him, placing his body underneath him. 'Don't worry about hurting me,' he says with a beautiful, gentle smile, clasping him, 'this is something we both want.'

Everything within them was swept aside by waves, thundering and echoing, swallowing them whole and filling them with sensations. Desperate to lock themselves to the other's body, to bind themselves to their soul. Sinking within, the surface a soft glimmer in the back of their eyes. They allowed themselves to be carried away, without resisting, to where they both wanted to be. Separated, dented, damaged and so tired they felt sick, empty without this other side to themselves complimenting their existence – two halves finally coming together to create one whole, complete and perfect in every way.

Making sounds, breathing becoming panting, moving in and around each other's bodies to become who they want to be, they create their own world inside another.

***

It was all Yuui could have asked for – to finally be loved.

To be held and not feel dirty inside, to be kissed and know that it is a loving connection between two souls, destined to be together. To sleep with another and feel passion burning his mind and senses, ecstasy pulsing at his fingertips, to feel beautiful within. To be in love.

***

This desire, this desperate throb inside, holding his mind in suspension, was entirely new to Kurogane, as was this body. Achingly beautiful, his playful lips and sleek, lithe limbs both supple and strong. Kurogane had underestimated the power within Yuui's upper body, honed through those years spent swimming. It was unusual to him but that was alright. It made a refreshing change.

And he began to appreciate the mistake he'd made in leaving Yuui, grateful to have experienced his body not as a child, spoilt, underdeveloped and unappreciative, but as an adult, his body, his mind and his sexual appetite having matured. Not only this. He felt certain that the wait, the twelve bitter and wasted years apart, made that inevitable, wonderful moment taste all the more sweeter and satisfying, a sense of true happiness in discovering this romance. Lifting the dusty sheets, uncovering a gleaming object, rekindling the love that had always lain locked within him somewhere beneath his skin.

***

Holding each other close, a golden glow within. Yuui shifts slightly, gasping softly, pressing himself into the window between Kurogane's heavily-set shoulder and his neck, thick and tense, supportive. His fingers stroke the skin beneath, teasing delicately, sparking nerves, setting a line alight. Kurogane smirked and pressed his lips to the back of Yuui's shoulder endearingly. Yuui responded with a smile, an expression of contentment set upon his lips and beautifully crafted dreams in his eyes, a feeling of giddiness and relief as he felt his fingers touched upon them.

'When did you get it?' Kurogane asked interestedly, holding him, stroking his shoulder curiously, intimately.

Mind only half functioning, Yuui twisted himself to glance at his shoulder and then shot a smile towards Kurogane, smirking both sensually and knowingly. 'When I was young and stupid,' he said, voice dripping in fulfilment, feeling Kurogane's fingers following the lines of the new age tattoo on the back of his shoulder. Draping his arms around him and holding his lips at the top of his neck, he reaches in to kiss him softly, a warm bubble of happiness and satisfaction rising within him, gratitude and love quickly following.

'And drunk?' Kurogane asked closely, feeling his hair against his cheek, smiling down at him.

'Maybe,' Yuui sighed dreamily, smiling warmly and pulling himself much closer in to Kurogane as if trying to speak to him using only their shared bodies and their newly connected emotions. That was then and this is now.

He watched curiously as Kurogane's hands wandered down to his thighs, tracing the deep cuts within them. He drew their lips together tightly, using the fusion, the unexplainable bridge between them, like a pathway. With every minute, he grew so close to Kurogane their souls would touch, skimming and colliding, sending them both into the reaches of ecstasy, desiring the other, reaching out their arms to carry their pain and burden and pasts and emotions in shared bodies.

Close to tears in his relief, Yuui watched, a trembling passion tied within the walls of his chest, as Kurogane pushed on, clasping him, touching a shuddering body. Kissing deeply once more, eaten whole by desire, following it along whichever path it chose to carry them down.

***

'Kurogane,' Yuui laughed, 'you're going to wear me out!'

Kurogane smiled down to him, a beautiful image of perfection, gleaming iridescently. He'd never appeared so whole, so assured or complete before, understanding and accepting everything within himself, holding back nothing in fear or contempt. Even so, his smile slipped. And he reached forward to kiss Kurogane gently, whispering to him, 'Goodnight.'

Yuui nearly fell back, feeling Kurogane sharply tugging at his arm as he climbed out of bed.

'Where the hell do you think you're going?' Kurogane snapped, staring towards him angrily, frustration and anxiety held in an underlying message in his tone.

Yuui blinked. 'To bed?'

'Sleep here,' he was instructed more than offered.

Yuui smiled gratefully, a lovely twist lying in his lips, immediately falling into Kurogane's arms, becoming enveloped, breathing in the scent of his skin once more.

'You've never slept beside anyone before?' Kurogane asked, slightly confused, disbelieving.

'Never wanted to,' Yuui muttered into him, lips moving softly close to his toned flesh.

They lay like that for a few minutes, peacefully held together, hearts overflowing and breath shifting gently, frightened to exhale too heavily, just in case the moment blew away, fluttering out from their arms into the sky, beyond reach. Eventually, Kurogane pulled him in, held him tightly, his arms wrapped around his back and his mouth by his ear. He admitted, 'I didn't bring you here out of convenience or generosity. I needed to know if I wanted to start my life again with you. I couldn't do that before.'

Yuui seized up, lying there against him, in shock, eyes opening widely. Finally, he breathed pleadingly into Kurogane, 'Is it a yes?'

Kurogane pulled them apart to stare into his eyes, gazing neither in pity nor sympathy, not cold or warm, disappointed or delighted. 'I want to spend a little longer here,' he said. Not a yes. Not a no.

And yet Yuui felt an exciting and warm sensation of hope seeping inside of him, smiling towards Kurogane, lying against him once more, wrapped in strong and unshakable arms, lost to the world.

They fell asleep like that, immersed in each other, feeling blessed and holding true happiness against them, within them, bringing it lightly towards their skin to feel its presence, like a candle glowing, flickering, carrying warmth and tranquillity to their bodies. Never allowing it to slip from their fingers through the night, a thing so long searched for, to be lost in vain - a tragedy.

But they awoke to a dazzling sunlight, another, the same being pressed to them, knowing now who they were. Finally fulfilled.

***

_Note: So what do you think? My previewer said that my sex scene was tasteful *thrilled at compliment*  
One of those paragraphs was a piss-take. I got a box of different types of professional chocolate for Christmas and the description on one of them was 'Two natural partners to chocolate, balancing each other in perfect harmony. While the piquant chilli tickles the front of your tongue, the ripe orange notes caress the sides, all the time soothed by the rich well-balanced dark chocolate.' I couldn't resist a joke =) Unfortunately I had to alter it to make sense._

_The next chapter is the last, hope you've enjoyed the story so far!_


	30. Chapter 30

The next five days passed beyond the drone of time, held simply in wonderful tremors of bliss, pushing through time in waves of sunlight, skin, the rustle of leaves, bare feet, cooked breakfast, laughter and love making.

Swathed in disbelief, sensing nothing of the world outside their own small and insular atmosphere – a miniature haven pulsating love and contentment, the satisfaction in life they'd both escaped discovered trickling through the soil beneath them, soaking up through their bodies into their beings, now as one.

They continued as they were, as they were comfortable being. A butterfly floating by, wrapped together, watching in silence. Standing in the inner-sanctum of a river bend, skipping pebbles over smooth and unperturbed waters. A sudden rainstorm, pelting bullets falling into open arms, childish smiles, water trickling down their backs and clinging to their shirts, dripping in their hair. The grass beneath their bodies, slowly baking in the oppressive heat. A narrowing, the splash and clutching, chilling fingers of water against them, swimming without clothes to swim in, laughing from the bottom of their hearts and experiencing something new. There was no one for miles. And they were free to express their love as they pleased, however they wanted.

They never slept apart again. Even if they were too tired to sleep together after a day spent exploring hills unseen by eyes or felt by bodies, they would lie there, feeling a warm and saturated sense of life and a satisfaction, dreaming, a sense of wonder in their bodies and closed eyes. They would fall asleep by each other, wrapped together, a single package, unified and fulfilled.

***

There was only one day they spent apart, when Kurogane left to buy more food, climbing into the car, slamming the door, shattering their silence. The gravel, the tiny rocks crumbling beneath the tyres, snapping obtrusively, tearing a hole in their small and fragile world together. As Yuui sat in the house alone, listening to the emptiness beneath his feet, he felt a gap, he heard sounds he hadn't heard in days, split into constituent noises, ringing more sharply in his ear. He picked up a book, opening at his page, but the words refused to sink in, his mind refused to place them, to define any meaning behind them, lost to a separate swell. A bird sang outside, the river droned and eventually the stones outside rattled, breaking against the tyres. The book was discarded and he pressed himself against his chest, embracing him without being able to explain.

It didn't matter, Kurogane understood as he wrapped his arms around him, stroking his hair softly and playfully.

They smiled to themselves.

***

The golden glow of sun, an ease and a perfection in who they were together. They became immersed in something unreal and yet were glad, thrilled to be losing their physical connections and borders in the strength of the summer. The trees on the mountains, the pebbles on the beach, twigs that snapped so easily beneath their feet and air that smelt too fresh echoed, paralleled a new union, an unspoken promise for life.

But no matter how long they lay there, watching the sun rise, they couldn't avoid the places, worlds and sights beyond those hills. It would cling to their minds no matter how desperately they avoided it, following them as they tried to ignore it, to drown themselves in their own world. Still, it couldn't last forever. It closed in on them, devouring them slowly as they spent their final halcyon days in sun and shade, in the sweltering heat, close together. It was mostly the fear of leaving - the idea of returning to their own worlds carrying their new and fragile relationship with them, afraid it would shatter if they slipped even once.

Although in another sense, they felt anxious. They'd spent 10 lingeringly beautiful and precious days together alone in the mountains of Japan, time spent inside a blissfully whole and heartfelt dream, extending beyond their senses, stretched beneath their fingers. And now it was as if it were natural for this unrealistic life to come to a close, to shut the door and move on, feeling and experiencing their old world with the new senses they'd developed, held in each other's arms, unafraid. They could start again, an infinite number of worlds within reach, hopes of a wonderful future, a shared life and a new start coming forward to meet them.

Yuui was lying against Kurogane's chest at the time, breathing heavily, aching of excitement and wonder. His fingers pressed into Kurogane's skin as he leant over, warm and slightly moist breath falling into his ear, causing a strong, lashing ripple down his body, into his stomach, as he held his mouth close to talk to him, softly and intimately. 'Kurogane,' he said, forming each word as if it were a gem, exposing his cherished thoughts, 'let's move somewhere far, far away together.'

Kurogane smirked and pulled him close, breathing in the scent of his hair, pressed to his chest, close to his heart. 'And where's that?'

'Anywhere we want,' Yuui replied, frowning slightly in irritation, annoyed that his idea had been dismissed so easily, 'Somewhere we can both be happy.' He looked up, a serious stare in his eyes, an unforgettable smile, shaped in adoration. 'What do you say?'

Kurogane only turned, closing his eyes and attempting to drift lightly to sleep, as if Yuui had never said anything at all.

'You're not even going to answer?' Yuui groaned, shaking him lightly in frustration.

'Maybe tomorrow,' was his response, tone like a closing door, slamming shut on Yuui's face.

He punched him on the chest, almost playfully, and threw himself back on to his own pillow in annoyance, muttering, 'You're a selfish bastard sometimes…'

But couldn't help but smile in fondness, an arm brought around him, clasping his hand tenderly, fingers pushing through the gaps to hold it tightly, never to let go.

***

He awoke in a half-empty bed, feeling the sun pouring through the window, an open space beneath his fingers. He rose sharply, moving through to the kitchen where he could hear noises, searching for him. Kurogane was rifling around, a bag in hand, picking up any belongings he found lying around and discarding them inside, near carelessly. Another bag lay on the table, packed with clothes.

'Are we leaving today?' Yuui asked, mumbling sleepily. His heart dropped, crashing against the floor. 'Are you going home?'

Kurogane suddenly stopped, staring steadily forward as if arranging his thoughts. As he turned towards Yuui, he dumped the bag beside the other on the table, moving forwards. He braced himself and readied fateful words as he stared straight into Yuui's eyes. 'I was sick of my job so I quit it before I left. And I'm selling my flat. I've made my decision and I'll spend my life with you if I can.'

The world held its breath, frozen in time.

Slowly, it unwound.

A smile broke out, shining beatifically, meeting a tear slipping from his eye, caught on Kurogane's shoulder as they embraced, coming together, hearts shivering, melting in delight. On the brink of a new and fulfilling beginning, another life together.

***

They didn't move immediately, taking one careful step at a time. For a while, they stayed at Yuui's flat, working, accumulating money, strength and ambition, waiting for the most opportune moment to venture into something completely new. Yuui continued to work as a teacher after arguing his case once word had reached of his suicide attempt. Kurogane flicked from one light job to the next, characteristically restless, but also attempting writing in his spare time, something extra to do, to keep himself feeling satisfied, bolder now that he was with Yuui.

It took them a couple of years before they felt happy moving and had decided where to go, what to do when they arrived. They'd tried spinning a globe and stopping it, finger landing on their perfect destination. That hadn't worked. In the end, Kurogane simply told Yuui to pick anywhere he wanted, the place he'd feel most at home in and he'd follow him there, no matter where or how.

That's how they decided and that's how they left, standing before Fai's grave, bidding him goodbye.

'I never moved,' Yuui said, smiling sadly, 'because I was too scared to leave him.'

'Do you feel guilty?' Kurogane asked concernedly, close beside him.

Yuui smiled lightly, eyes still retaining a mourning gleam and shook his head. 'This is what he wanted.' He turned towards Kurogane, soul full and happy, shining through his skin as he stared towards him, expression full of reflection. 'I've always felt that he's with Hayley. To begin with, I thought it was silly but now I believe that he's not lonely. So I don't feel guilty about leaving. And all he wanted to do before he left was help me. I think he felt he could do that by bringing you closer to me.'

Kurogane nodded solemnly. 'He kept trying to push us together. I think he pinned everything on me in the end.'

Yuui smiled kindly, encouragingly. 'Even if you regret what happened, it's in the past now.' His smile took on a distant, grateful aura, fingers brushing against Kurogane's hand, coming to clasp it gently, 'Besides, things have worked out alright.'

They exchanged a small and understanding glance before Yuui beamed sadly down on the gravestone. Eventually, gravel crumbling beneath his feet, he walked alongside Kurogane, back to the gate, feeling something release itself from him, drifting away into the sky.

***

The country he chose was cold, the tongue unfamiliar to Kurogane, although half-known to Yuui. This was a place, he'd said, where he'd felt he needed to visit five years ago, where his heart had been pinned to in the end. A small town by the sea, near to the place he was born.

It was quiet there, dark and cold. Sometimes, sprawled on the sofa in the evening, Yuui would lie against him, snuggled into him and reading, the seconds creating sounds, small globes of warmth in the silent and cosy solitude. They could hear each breath, each snowflake outside in winter. Their home was tiny, not needing to be large; creaking floorboards held above a shop front they'd found, where Yuui had decided, the feeling passing him and capturing him in confidence, to open a café. That was how the first year or so passed. Kurogane stayed mostly at home, floating in an unknown sea of speech and expression, supporting him, writing, doing odd jobs, building their miniature haven with his own hands, sawing and decorating it.

Yuui tilted his head, admiring his DIY work. 'Not bad…'

After a year had passed, Yuui didn't depend on Kurogane as he'd used to. Over that time a pace had developed, slow and suiting, both upstairs and down. Yuui could work nearly independently in the café, a natural ability to speak to people, to smile warmly and invitingly, working to his benefit. He had a knack for it: the coffee he served was well-blended, the cakes he made soft and moist, deep in flavour. The atmosphere ran from the walls, from Yuui's smile and movements, reflecting his peace at heart, his delight in his new life. It breathed tranquillity, piercing softly into the hardest day, the most hectic life. It made him popular despite his desire to lead a slow-paced life, one he could enjoy at each step.

He didn't even need a great deal of help running his tiny business. He had a better grasp of the language, given a head start, and could finance himself much better. He'd always had a head for maths and was still very quick with numbers.

So Kurogane left him to it, continuing his writing, increasing his pace and, with each passing year, gradually writing more and more, improving with each letter he typed. Soon he could produce full novels and came to be published in both English and Japanese, citing only one inspiration.

He bought him a kitten one day, tiny and white, and they named it Moko, reflecting upon the options together, the small, fragile thing padding about the flat upstairs.

Slowly, he picked up on the language, growing increasingly confident in it, creating opportunities of his own. For the most part, he continued writing but, tipped off by his dad, a suggestion made by Yuui, he met the son of an acquaintance of his dad interested in travelling and cuisine and became the co-owner of a Japanese bar and restaurant further into the centre of town. He managed it mostly, handling orders and such like, organising imports, ideas, money, but the rest – the creativity, the socialising, the ambitious drive - he left aside, preferring to remain in the flat by day in solitude, writing, and awaiting the opening to the door, bringing a drifting scent of coffee, feet tapping against the floorboards and the clinking as a cup was set down on his desk, a warm kiss in greeting.

***

'I've never seen him like this before,' his father said, 'He seems really happy here.' Laying down his coffee cup, he turned to Yuui and said, a thought on his mind, 'I put that down to you. You've really flipped his life around.' He smirked now. 'But then I always sensed that about you. Even as a kid you made him happy.'

Yuui smiled happily, thoughts linking back to those days and adding a humorous twist to his smile. 'Even as a kid, I loved him,' he stated, voice firm in statement but soft in expression.

'It was a bit hit and miss though, wasn't it?' Kurogane's father said, smiling pleasantly as he leant back in his seat, getting comfortable, peace gradually seeping into him as he sat there, talking over a coffee.

Yuui's smile slowly grew, expressing the soft and probing reaches within him, gratitude glowing in his expression. 'We've been reunited five times,' he said, eyes drifting off, settling downwards as he thought, 'and all of them felt like unlikely coincidences. In that way I guess I feel lucky,' he sighed, satisfied and whole. 'It's almost as if we were meant to be together.'

'No-one's ruling it out,' his father-in law responded with a knowing smile.

Yuui rested his head in one hand, drumming the fingers of the other on the table. 'Well, it was mostly the fact he left me so decisively when we were teenagers; I thought he was never coming back.' He laughed freely and untroubled.

Kurogane's father stopped, expression dropping slightly, his eyes gaining focus as he stared into Yuui. 'You've changed too, though. There's something about you that's … I don't know, a bit more laidback.' He took a sip of his coffee, frowning in thought. 'I'm glad for that. You've had a hard life but you're not a bad person. You deserve to be happy and my son deserves a person like you.'

Yuui smiled deeply, almost relieved. 'Thank you.' He smirked, nearly a laugh. 'You know, I was terrified that you'd reject me at first.'

Kurogane's dad laughed lightly, smiling and shaking his head. 'No, I wouldn't do that. Being honest, I had a bit of a soft spot for you when you were younger.'

Yuui smiled gracefully before averting his eyes and bringing his hand down to fiddle with the strap of his watch, his fingers teasing the buckle and brushing at the skin beneath. It was a new habit that Kurogane had noted fondly, subconscious as he was deep in thought. 'It's true what you said about the change, though,' he told his father-in-law. 'I've thought back to the times when I was a child, when I was still at school, when I was studying, working and with Fai and I've never found a time when I was happier than I am now.' He smiled once more, heavy in depth and meaning.

Kurogane's father stared towards him, a light smile upon his face but gazing critically. Yuui waited for him to speak, passing the time by removing their now empty cups. As he sat back down he was asked, 'I don't know if this question is too personal or not, but has Kurogane ever told you that he loves you?'

Yuui's eyes flickered up, staring warmly. His mouth curved into a small smile and he said lightly, preciously, 'Once.' He leaned forward in his seat, staring detached as the memories slowly bathed his mind once more, touching and playing upon heart-strings. 'It was completely pouring with rain. We were walking back home and he just came out with it, out of nowhere.' He smiled intimately, fondly. 'He didn't have to say it, I knew anyway, but that somehow made it more special, much closer and more personal than I would have thought. That and… at the time it felt as if I was the only person in the world he'd spoken those words to.'

'You probably are,' Kurogane's father said, a small and perceptive smile appearing. 'That's why I asked.'

Yuui's eyes hooded, catching a darker hint, reflecting in his lips, slipping into a sly smile. 'If you're trying to tell me that I'm someone special to him, then I'm grateful,' he said in a smooth tone, somehow captivating, his jewel-like eyes sparkling and slinking over to capture the doorway. 'Really, _really_ grateful.'

'Yeah and you'd better feel damned lucky too because you're the only person who's going to hear it,' the man in the doorway said bluntly, without a hint of emotion, the idea having replayed in his mind until it was worn and emitted in this gravelly tone.

Yuui smiled towards him, gazing serenely with his head clasped in his hands, appreciating each and every drop of the world around him.

***

And at night, when all is still, silence sweeps over the world, soothing it tentatively as they come closer together, clasping, feeling each flickering movement, every miniscule pulse in the other's soul, breathing in their essence and being held in an intimate warmth. When all is peaceful, they sometimes ask each other about dreams, their wishes, suddenly come to life like an act of kindness, someone watching over them fondly. And as a pale light encompasses their tiny world, filled with contentment and a knowledge of one another, who they truly are, they exchange small acts of love, contained deep within each other, before laying down their heads and drifting peacefully off to sleep, held in the other's arms, beholding their new life together, breathing softly beneath their fingers.

***  
_Note: So that's it…………If you've gotten this far and haven't reviewed please, please, please do so, I don't care if it's anonymous and just says 'hi' or something – that'd be enough for me =)_

_Congratulations for getting this far anyways! I mean this is practically a miniature novel… a tragic novel with a bizarrely fluffy ending =S I pretty much locked myself up in my room lit with fairy lights and playing some gentle and beautiful music on repeat just to get the happy ending lol  
So… acknowledgements… firstly Frakkur (a.k.a. Jón Þor (Jónsi) Birgisson) who made the minimalist electronica song 'song for the little boy' - the feeling behind it was pretty much the inspiration for the story. Secondly Ólafur Arnalds for his sad and lovely song 1440 that made me pick the idea back up again (basically the whole of his album Eulogy for Evolution is like the soundtrack of this fic to me... that and a few other songs I listed on my profile) and thirdly my friend, L. I blame L for everything, for Tsubasa, for the writing, for the fish and chips, for EVERYTHING. Everything is L's fault even the ending =P so thanks!  
A huge, huge thanks to everyone who reviewed esp. those who reviewed regularly – you know who you are so thanks, I really appreciate it =)  
And to wrap up this bizarrely gigantic author's note: what I intend to do with my free time in the near future. Well I've got a new pen-name *points* and I should be getting a livejournal account under this name and posting Fish and Chips there. A couple of the earlier chapters might be reworked. More importantly I'm working on another Kurofye AU but this one's completely different – more light-hearted, hopefully quirky and possibly, just maybe even feel-good (?!) … don't get your hopes up lol. Tell me if you're interested!  
Thanks again for reading this far, I hope you enjoyed it!_


	31. Chapter 31

_**a/n:** So it might be a bit of a surprise to see this updated but I decided to write something celebrating a year since I started writing 'Fish and Chips' but I never got it finished in time so it ended up as a celebration of when I first started posting on this website.... which was two months ago :) Originally it was only posted on Livejournal but I thought I might give it a chance on here! It acts as a continuation to the story and if you enjoyed the original then I really hope you like it!_

_***  
_

He was sleeping so peacefully against the window it seemed as though this was where he'd always felt most at home – where his heart truly lay. Glancing to the side at him in the car, Kurogane couldn't figure out if that made any sense or none at all. If Yuui had ever shown any attachment to their home country then he'd kept it silent and nowadays there was no point in hiding from Kurogane – he'd already know.

His breathing is soft and muffled and tender little flicks of blonde have slipped across his brow in a gentle curtain as dusk descends the world outside, dappling the clouds a faint pink and blazing the edges of the country landscape a vivid orange. At once there was something both warm and strange to the sight – something pained and distant, purposefully laid to the side a very long time ago though the familiarity of his surroundings still caught Kurogane. He almost hated for himself for it given the memories.

Yuui's hand lay limp to the side of the gear-stick where he'd cupped Kurogane's hand with his own before falling asleep, before slipping away into a slumber against the window pane.

It was an uneasy homecoming for both of them.

Mostly it was the anxiety and the anticipation, the old, stale memories becoming stirred to the surface and layered fresh in their mind. Some of them were memories of innocence and simple pleasures and others were of blood and death, of love and abuse. More clearly than ever, Yuui was that boy drowning himself in pained tears as he went to bed and smiling blindly through the daylight instead of his partner – strong and silent in his own way; a fond flicker curled inside a warm smile. Their love was a tangled and adolescent mess of romance, strained too far too soon, rather than a seven year strong partnership.

By the time it was six o clock, the sky was a thick, dark navy outside, oppressing the sky and clouding the sky in a veil between rain and nightfall, constant spits of raindrops pattering near silently down on the car.

Yuui's eyes flickered open, fluttering gently for a moment as he brought himself out of a daze and took in his surroundings. Steadily, he gave a yawn and stretched his tensed and tautened limbs, shifting about in his seat before he mumbled in a tired slur, "How long till we get there?"

"Half an hour, I guess," Kurogane responded and it surprised him how well he still remembered these roads and these town names. It felt as though he'd been set upon a picture he'd studied every day – mutely he recognised every single detail but the dimension felt foreign.

With a slow and obliging nod, Yuui settled back against his seat though his eyes refused to close this time, dimly watching the beads of the cat eyes lining down the half-empty road pass in a mindless rush and taking in the overbearing and dangling branches about them, swathed black in this semblance of darkness and Kurogane supposed his mind must have wandered because after another few minutes Yuui's hand was lying on his arm, clutching it lightly as though seeking strength.

There were so many words of reassurance Kurogane could have said in that moment but he opted for silence instead, tentative to recognise this buried sensation of anxiety as they neared the town where they grew up, met and fell in love in and completely fell apart in.

***

"Kurogane?" he called out as he heard the door slam down the corridor.

"Yeah?" Kurogane responded, trudging his way through to the living-room and dumping his jacket on the hook on the way, stopping as he sees Yuui flipping the disk tentatively between his fingers with a face gently twisted in thought as the light glinted sharply off the disk's metallic sheen.

"Were you thinking of going back this year?" he asked in the most pensive and reflective tone. His eyes glanced sadly down at the disk in his hand, handling it delicately.

"Maybe... why? Do you want to go?" Kurogane asked confusedly, eyes flicking down to the disk in Yuui's hands – old and scratched; markings blurred and unidentifiable. "And what's that?"

A strange, amused smile passed over Yuui's face. "I was tidying out the cupboard and I found it. Don't you recognise it?"

He made a gesture of handing it over and Kurogane warily took it from his fingers, about to snap that no, he did not, why the hell should he, when he caught sight of the smudged and handwritten title – Fai's Favourite Places, love Yuui and Kurogane. Mutely he could remember handing over the marker pen and distantly he could see a young man with golden hair inscribing their names on the disk with a stupid, stupid smile.

"So you do remember then, huh?" Yuui sighed sadly though he gave a warmed smile, gracefully setting himself down on the sofa.

"So this is what...?" Kurogane started counting in his head – twelve plus seven. "Nineteen years old?"

"Strange to think about, isn't it?" Yuui laughed but soon his smile had turned into a wicked grin; his voice ran slick and liquid. "Do you remember that day, Kuro-sama?"

It all snapped back to Kurogane in short bursts, appearing in rough flashes – a camera and several bus tickets about town, slow walks in springtime, little smiles and sweets and innuendoes and the shadow of death, a sense of nostalgia, the taste of Yuui's lips, silence as he searched for answers and ideas and Yuui sitting astride him, his hand about his-

"Sort of," Kurogane replied dismissively, handing the disk back as Yuui smiled coyly.

"I'm sorry I wouldn't let you go all the way with me back then," Yuui laughed despite the fact his eyes were cold and hard and serious. "But you got there in the end..." It was uttered in a sad little whisper with a warm and feeble smile.

For a moment Kurogane's brow twitched into a frown because this did not seem to be something to joke about and that guy clutching him in frozen desperation was not Yuui, was not his partner and that kid was a tattered soul so painfully close to breaking and shattering completely; transparent and crumbling at the edges with this glowing, saddened, fake and infuriating smile and not his partner – solid and unwavering, thoughtful and with the most genuine, beautiful smile (a trace of happiness) on his lips who never lived inside a lie and always knew how to steady himself. This boy did not pleasure him in the same way because back then there was so much he could barely understand and so much about Yuui that sickened and scared him, such a gaping hole in his soul, it felt as wrong and disgusting in bed with him as it was inevitable and monumental. It's not like now. It's not his pure and mature and wonderful body and it's not his smooth and practiced motions or soft breath and it's not slow or deep or fast or passionate as it should be – it's a minefield of hesitations and anxious pausing, of drifting, uncertain tongues. It wasn't feeling as though he could love the body in his arms forever.

If anything it was closer to hating it.

"Would you want to watch it again?" is all he could ask as a reluctant and stiff ball caught in his throat.

"I don't think we have anything to play it on," Yuui muttered thoughtfully, lying with his arms folded across the edge of the sofa, chin rested on arms, a faint pout on his lips.

"But you want to go back?" Kurogane hesitantly asked, remembering Yuui's initial question as he'd come through the door.

"Yes... it's been a few years, right?" Yuui breathed lightly and glanced up towards him hopefully.

Kurogane only narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "For what? Is this about Fai?" he immediately asked and immediately regretted saying. It was almost as if he were treating his friend's death as a thing – a plain and ordinary, meaningless and shapeless thing.

"Sort of," Yuui answered. If he was affected then he didn't let it show, allowing only for his brows to twitch lightly in thought. "It's more of a nostalgia thing..."

"Why? What have you got there you'd want to remember?" Kurogane scoffed incredulously, fiercely believing that all their happiness remained locked and sealed inside these four walls of their home and this land and no other country on Earth.

He'd expected Yuui to have frowned or glared or at least to have taken offence but he hadn't. He'd smiled lazily and happily, dimming his eyes as he gazed towards him. "I want to remember what it was like to be young and so idiotic it hurt," he explained in a light and certain breath, a quiet little smile playing on his expression.

***

Deep into autumn, streets are lined with damp and rotting leaves, gleaming in the pale orange street lights lining the pavements, slick and glowing in the wet and the world has a hushed, chilled feel to it – something neither of them are sure if they'd ever missed or ever realised was present to begin with but suddenly their memories are pushed back into their minds: frozen with this still and muffled world. The silence of it as the town becomes wrapped in a dampened cloak is familiar somehow but it seems a whole other universe to the streets where they carried their school bags and talked as they walked home with Fai.

When Kurogane glanced over to look at Yuui, he barely even had to ask if this was a mistake because the answer was held clearly in his eyes – Nobody said it was a bad idea just yet.

In the distance, firecrackers crackle and hiss, spitting across the sky although they are veiled in the damp night sky. It'd seem impossible to set this sky ablaze in bursts of fizzling colours and light without imagining the thick rainclouds swamping and swallowing the sparks, engulfing and extinguishing the show. But still, people gathered here and there, toes numb and frozen in boots and socks, stuffed hands in pockets, scarves wrapped round necks as they shifted from foot to foot and placed hats on their children's heads. In the distance the bonfire blazes and positively spews black smoke to mingle in amongst the rainclouds and they seem to make the perfect match – and flecks of ashes spatter across the sky like paint on canvas, dancing up into the air in warm spurts of glowing life. The fire itself seems to burn their retinas, the bystanders swamped in a thick heat wave, breathing in the strength of the flames and glancing at their watches as the minutes pass by. Faintly, they can see the remains of the figure at the centre, limp and ablaze, surrounded by crates and boxes and it causes them to wonder what sort of community spirit came together to build this pile of wood and ashes on a damp, cold day. The chill in the air seems to seep into the ground, malleable mud clinging numbly to their shoes as they tramp over to that single beacon of warmth over the football pitch for the first time in so many years.

There once stood a gruff and frustrated teenager to the side, crossing his arms as another prattled on and on and wouldn't cease as the heat of the blaze sank through their layers and into their skin with welcome appeal. And there was another quiet little shadow beside them with a better idea of sense and calm observation of matters.

Yuui chews on his bottom lip for a moment, engulfed in a brief sense of nostalgia though he smiles all the same, warmed by a simple memory.

***

It's strangely clear.

There's a blonde kid up ahead, kicking up leaves, wandering along with the occasional hop and skip in his step, a loose and demented hint in daydreaming eyes and a constant, glowing smile painted gaudily on his lips. The look's wearing thin and so is the laughter in his voice, soaring and giggling, echoing down the half-empty streets in the damp, cold night. It reverberates endlessly over the past few years.

"So he'd have to come with us?" Kurogane grumbles to Fai without even trying to quieten his voice and soon he's met with harsh and reproachful blue eyes. "What?" he retorts.

Fai gives a loose and hopeless sigh, glancing over to his twin in apparent pity and woe. "He'd want to come."

"Tch, what a pain!" Kurogane moans, glaring daggers towards Yuui further up the street, very nearly in his whole own world.

"Ah! My ears are burning!" he exclaims, spinning round with the widest grin on his face, with mischief sparkling in his eyes and something Kurogane linked closely with torment in the way he faced him.

"You're a damn eavesdropper's what you are," Kurogane snaps with all the casual revulsion he can muster and still his heart draws taut and skips a beat when Yuui grins towards him, warmly and fondly.

"I can't help it when you're talking about me so loudly!" he laughs, slowing his pace so that now he walks alongside his twin and Kurogane.

"Well then maybe you should shut up and stop listening when you're not meant to," Kurogane almost snarls in irritation, quickly whipping his head away before his heart began to patter and startle him again.

Yuui seems about to respond when his brother hastily intrudes – "We were thinking of going to the cinema on Tuesday. Do you want to come?"

For a moment Kurogane's caught between his friend's wishes and berating him for pushing the three of them together intentionally without even trying to pretend.

"Sorry, I've got something on," Yuui answers apologetically, his gleeful expression dulling visibly.

"Pity," Kurogane mutters with a smug smirk, as obvious and open as Fai was himself so he fails to see why the twin seems so hurt the moment Kurogane pushes himself away again.

Of course now it's stupidly clear and he almost feels guilty for fighting against the poor kid with such a weight over him, trying to convince himself that he wasn't in love with Yuui despite all that Fai did to try to make them happy.

***

Kurogane's not a man for 'if's or reminiscing but he finds himself wondering how he'd have reacted back then if he was told that one day he would be living together with Yuui as partners, that one day they'd share the same bills and bed and fall asleep to the sound of each other's breath.

He wonders when he first fell in love with Yuui – was it on the playground or in the classroom or at his home one day or later when the blood was running slick and dark down his skin? Was it in the warm silence of the lodge in summer heat and tranquillity when the world belonged to them and no-one else?

In truth it's probably none of these things because he can remember kissing him in the black of the night streets a few months later and never feeling such a bemusing array of emotions before. He can't understand it. Yuui's lips look and taste and feel perfect, wonderful in every sense and yet nothing has every caused him so much revulsion as to hold him and press kisses on to his lips in the silence of the darkness, feel the warmth of his body underneath him and gentle touch of his hands against his back. And then he feels Yuui's tongue flicking along his lips and poking at the gap between and he freezes to the spot without a single clue what to do.

Twenty years on Kurogane feels like grabbing himself from his own memory, ripping him out and ordering him to open his mouth, let Yuui in and then follow suit.

Instead he tenses up and pushes him away, unwisely dragging a sleeve across his mouth.

Yuui stares anxiously towards him, asking with a voice full of care and worry, "What's wrong? Never kissed with tongue before?"

"It's not that!" Kurogane growls, caught somewhere between frustration and embarrassment, unable to escape Yuui's gaze, his hands still tangled lightly around his waist.

"You know..." Yuui then smiles, taking a step into him with a sly, seductive sort of smile glowing before him as he breathes and allows his voice to slip silkily, "I haven't either... I was hoping to try it out on Kuro-chan?"

In that moment, all of Kurogane's bravery is shoved to the back of his mind and his sense of experimentation struggles and kicks to the front as he stammers for words, fails and gives in, yanking Yuui in about the waist. He immediately laughs and grins before Kurogane takes the plunge, diving in and pressing their lips together hard.

When he feels Yuui's tongue touching against his lips he begins to open his mouth and immediately feels both enlightened and violated. It's interesting and it's awkward; slightly uncertain and apprehensive. It's Yuui's saliva mingling with his own as their tongues attempt to tangle and fail magnificently.

Looking back, Kurogane is almost grateful to have nearly erased his memory and forgotten those days completely where he was sickeningly in love with a boy he hated and his stupid teenaged brain could barely process it and work out what to do. Now Yuui's mouth does not taste sugary sweet or perfect and it's not peppered with subconscious hatred and self-disgust. His lips feel like a match to his and his tongue never feels foreign in Kurogane's mouth. They take things slowly and appreciate every drop of love and adoration they hold between them.

It's not surprising he wants to forget the time he was so frightened French-kissing Yuui for the first time he nearly shivered and tried to lose himself instead to that giddy high as he clutches almost desperately at his waist, holding him fiercely to himself.

***

They're walking down the high street now, fingers raw red, numbed and chilled and fingering at jacket buttons as they draw in their layers from the cold. Their breath drifts in pale clouds curling lightly in the air before vanishing completely, silent and wordless as though they'd just witnessed something bizarre and ethereal. Idiocy and simplicity aside it was painful and it was awkward to feel seventeen year old hearts beating inside their own matured bodied as they stared up towards fireworks in a world which suddenly seemed too small and constricted to them. They seem to be stuck between what should and should not have come to pass and whether it had been meaningless to kiss if it had only inspired such a strange concoction of emotion which would prove too much for them when they lost something so close to them both, as they felt Fai slipping away from them each day without a single thing they could do to prevent it from happening. Their helplessness was truly sickening.

Still, from what Kurogane recalled of him from his memories, an identical face trapped immortally in youth and a shy sort of quietness as he observed patiently from the side, he'd been happy that day all those years ago just to wander about town, the three of them together with all their disagreements and companionship bundled together for a night waiting and watching the fireworks explode across the blanketed sky.

He'd be even happier knowing that after so many years his brother and Kurogane were living happily together, deeply in love without having to say a single word to compound it.

In the gaps between the clouds, stars sparkle and glitter in infinitesimal pricks of gleaming light that shine like a miniature net of beacons through the heavy, clinging weather. He can see Yuui glancing up to them with a smile as he swings the plastic bag in his hands, back and forth, bobbing up and down to the sway of his steps. He reckons the warmth as they'd passed by open doorways had been far too alluring and that thick and fatty scent that had pushed past them like a wave through the bitter chill.

"So are you going to eat it back in the hotel?" he asks suspiciously, nodding his head down to the take out swinging in his hand.

"Maybe," Yuui replies airily without commitment and Kurogane raises his eyebrows for a moment, looking at it before allowing it to pass and wait and see what Yuui had in mind instead. Thinking about it, he should have been able to guess the moment he'd bought it and the way Yuui's smile lights up when he catches sight of 'their' bench is suddenly something obvious and awkward. To say that they'd enjoyed their youth here was stretching the truth too far, yet Yuui looked visibly overjoyed running his fingers about the wood to check for damp and seating himself down with a contented smile.

Kurogane pauses for a moment before joining his partner and he can see that victorious smirk and does his very best to ignore it, unsure whether he disagreed to the idea of rekindling old memories in the first place.

The way Yuui unwraps the newspaper is incredibly nostalgic – carefully twisting and unfolding the paper and twisting it back round to form a neat bundle just as he had when he was younger and when he adored him, when he hated him beyond all others. He licked his fingers one at a time, sucking the salt off each before plucking a chip out the paper bundle and working his way round in silence, staring about the town every now and then. The face of clock-tower in the corner was lit just as it had been all those years before, the old buildings stood intact, fashioned from stone and wood, the stepped layout of the town square had remained the same over the years and yet there was the definite sense that this place had changed with them. It was the new shops scattering the streets and the unfamiliar faces dotting the pavement, that feeling lying just under their skin that this was not their home anymore. Neither of them are sure if they're saddened by this.

"Want some?" Yuui eventually asks, tilting his packet over to Kurogane was a sweet and happy smile though Kurogane merely shakes his head and turns to the side, allowing Yuui to finish off his own meal and drumming his fingers on the side of the bench.

Sometimes Fai had sat propped up on the wall behind him with his legs swinging over the side in some sort of subliminal attempt to force his brother and Kurogane to sit together. At times when he'd turn around, realising he hadn't said a word in a while, he'd find him balanced between the bench and the flowerbeds with a book. He can't say how much life Fai seems to have in his mental picture because for so long now he'd only been able to look back and see a shadow, only the merest fragments of spiritual life clinging to his immortal memory.

It's about then Yuui pokes a chip at Kurogane's lips.

"You're turning into a kid again," Kurogane grumbles, taking hold of the chip and eating it nonetheless, dribbled and soaked with vinegar and a thin film of salt. It struck him he hadn't eaten anything like this in years.

"I hope not!" Yuui laughs, subtly referring to the damage for the first time since they'd arrived here though he doesn't seem uncomfortable, snapping off another piece of the fish.

The batter is crisp and light, crunching slightly under the bite and beneath there's a layer of fat that's slick and warm and sweet on Yuui's tongue while the food simply melts in Yuui's mouth and the hot meat slips down his gullet. It had certainly been a long time.

***

"We really need to start again," he'd said with such conviction in his eyes it was profound, clutching at Kurogane's hand from over the table.

He'd given only a gruff nod and a brief look – "How far do you think you'll need to go to get away from here?"

Yuui smirked, gave a lazy smile and a laugh, fingering at Kurogane's own digits fondly and responding, "Very far. Somewhere completely different."

"Name the place," was all Kurogane said, immediately and almost forcefully, so bluntly he'd even taken himself by surprise with a sudden slip of sentimentality and romanticism.

Yuui's eyes opened wide, breathing, "Kuro-chan..." faintly and in awe, almost as though disbelieving the proposal. "Don't you think we should talk about this first?"

"If it's a stupid suggestion then I'll intervene but otherwise I'll be alright pretty much anywhere," Kurogane answered, trying not to feel emotional as Yuui squeezed his hand with a beautiful, grateful smile.

"I was thinking... of my first home," he carefully revealed, eyes watching Kurogane closely for any flicker of thought or emotion, taken by surprise when he smirked and wrapped his hand about his.

"Sound just fine," he said.

***

"I thought it'd feel different but nothing's changed," Yuui sighed despondently, slowly pacing along the rain-dappled streets and tugging his jacket up to shield himself from the fat and heavy rain drops showering lethargically and silently over town, drizzling on to streets slick with rain in the dark, pattering into the puddles dotting the road here and there, choked at the edges with sodden and mouldering leaves, a sweet and rotten smell and a light golden hue.

"Is that what you were expecting?" Kurogane asked stiffly, almost about to roll his eyes as though this were a premonition he'd had, sensing no promise at all in the idea other than the reawakening of several unpleasant memories. It wasn't that he wanted to ignore the past, either – it was that he didn't want to be reminded of his partner's countless flaws when, to his eyes, he was perfect in each mistake.

Yuui gave a small laugh, smirking and sighing, fingering lightly at the edge of his coat. "I thought it had more to do with how I felt at the time. I really don't know whether I miss any of it or not now." His face seemed pensive with distant eyes and a sad smile that shone so genuinely and obviously it was more treasured to Kurogane than any memory or lie; whatever piece of sickening nostalgia he could conjure.

"I think you miss him more than you miss home," Kurogane pointed out, unsure whether he is stirring anything painful but judging by that warmed smile that memory and that understanding between the two of them had only proved to raise Yuui's spirit's just the slightest.

"Tomorrow before we leave, we need to visit his grave," he breathed preciously and happily as though encouraged by the notion that this was the same soil Fai lay in, that for a moment he could be closer to him than he had been in years and Kurogane almost smiled himself at the sight.

"I figured as much," he smirked, flinching slightly as Yuui ran his fingers teasingly down his wrist as though about to hold his hand. "Tch, we're not kids anymore!" he spat, ripping his hand away in a mix between humiliation and fury that made Yuui laugh and grapple for his hand all the more.

"I know, we're adults now!" he said in a low and slinking voice, creeping his fingers slowly and smoothly up Kurogane's arm, watching him shiver and grinning mischievously before he stopped, taking his hand slowly away and taking in a slow, wide breath.

"What?" Kurogane asked, worriedly glancing over to Yuui's dead and still eyes, mouth slightly agape, and when he stared dead on he saw nothing in particular that would catch his attention yet he seemed to be swallowed whole, absorbed in the sight.

"Subaru..." he breathed to no-one in particular though the corner of his mouths nearly twitch into a smile while his eyes echo nothing but pain and quickly Kurogane can remember why – those lonely nights getting to know each other in the hospital, bandages wrapped tight around wrists and an achingly slow and pensive atmosphere that seemed to cling to their skin and conversation, wrap around that one student Yuui had tried and failed to protect.

He can see him now, tall and thin and somewhere in his twenties, short-cut hair and a long, open jacket that fluttered sodden in the dark and timeless rain. In trim fingers balanced a cigarette, glowing a pale orange against the navy evening, echoing the meek glow of the street-lights as he sauntered down the street with all the weight of the world seeming to press in the dull sheen of his eyes. They spark a little, beam steadily into life as they catch the blonde-haired man before him, suddenly melt in relief and warmth and soon he is making his way towards his old teacher.

Immediately Yuui embraced him, wrapping his arms tightly and thankfully about the man and fighting back painful tears and old, rotting memories of biology classrooms in the dark, of the steady sickening realisation and that hopeful, naive glow in the poor boy's eyes.

"You're safe..." he found himself whispering to him as his old student hesitantly brought his own arms about his back.

"... It's been a long time," Subaru responded in a muffle into his shoulder and soon Yuui was grinning, taking a step back to look at him before everything hit him in one blow.

"I was thinking about you..." Yuui muttered sadly, smiling nonetheless, taking in that empty look in his eyes and wondering whether it would be better or worse for himself to question it.

"Thank you," Subaru smiled meekly, soon peering over his shoulder to Kurogane waiting patiently at the side.

"That's Kurogane..." Yuui informed him, passing over a quick and fond gaze before turning back to Subaru, smiling warmly and deeply, watching as feelings of pain sparked by memory suddenly twisted into beautiful promises. "He's the man I was always meant to fall in love with."

***

Sometimes at night he'd listened to those words repeating over and over again, a young and immature body caught between abuse and heart-ache, filling his heart with a vain sort of hope as he clutched at his sheets and waited for that day someone would finally step into his life and wash away the nightmare he depended on far too closely to release himself from. He painted his hopes and dreams brightly, lived them out day after day, wondering what a beautiful word 'love' must be, to allow it trickle naturally off his tongue.

It worked out so differently in the end it hurt all the more. And it hurt to feel distant from love and protection, physically pained him to feel betrayed and discarded, to be heart-broken and abandoned but somehow it had all seemed so ridiculous and surreal he was willing to be tossed about again and again living off that memory, off that vain echo of love as he'd shared kisses with Kurogane.

So when he did break away from his home, when he did shatter those dark illusions, falling properly in love for the first time he felt so warm it shrank everything else into the background. When he first lay at night under the covers with Kurogane's arm wrapped around him listening to his breath and his heart beat intimately, when he first allowed the word 'love' to escape with a beautiful echo in his voice and felt so bound to another it was almost ridiculous to think they'd ever clashed in the past, pain is put in a strange perspective for Yuui.

It was something young and it was something tortured. And it is nothing about who he is now.

***

_**a/n:**__ Yay! Subaru never died! :D Hope you all enjoyed that celebratory continuation and aren't drowning in angst and depression!  
_


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